DS caught me smoking, do I tell their dad before he does?

[smokingisbad]

This is really weird, but I’ve been smoking in secret for a while because of stress with work and stuff. My DC has never seen me smoke, but they’ve seen the ashtray in the balcony. My youngest DS who’s 4 is at home with tummy ache, I thought he was sleeping so went out quickly to smoke in the balcony. He woke up from his nap, but I didn’t see him until he opened the balcony door and he said “mummy, are you smoking” I panicked and was like no no.. and he said yes, you’re are smoking.

Anyway fast forward til today, this morning we’re getting ready for school and suddenly he shouts to his siblings “I saw mummy smoking yesterday, I’m going to tell daddy” and put his hand up to his mouth pretending he was smoking.

I’m shocked he knows what it is at 4 years old, even though he’s never seen me smoke before.

My ex DH know I quit, but doesn’t know I started again. I want to quit, but my question is their dad is picking them up tomorrow, so do I tell him first what happened or do I wait and see if DS tells him?

I don’t want him thinking I’m sitting there smoking in front of the kids and doing all sorts. Im embarrassed tbh.

I would tell him first.

It’s none of his business so you have no need to tell him.
It sounds like your son is definitely going to grass you up but if your ex says anything, just remind him it isn’t his business particularly as you don’t do it inside or around the children. Keep it short or you’ll start bumbling around justifying yourself and kick yourself later.
Good luck giving up. My dad died suddenly at 64 almost certainly largely contributed to by smoking. Mum lived to 85 but her last 15 years were miserable as she was incrementally disabled and sapped by COPD and finally lung cancer. She hated it, she’d been so glamorous and dynamic.
I’d talk to your son and try to turn it into a learning point about how addictive smoking is, and how you don’t won’t to smoke because it’s horrible and you will be trying to give it up.

smoking stinks - do you really think that your ex isn't aware that you smoke if he comes to the house to collect them?
But he is your ex, so not really any of his business

Don't beat yourself.if it's an odd fag that helps you cope with whatever you struggling with it's none of others business,including your exH.
There are parents doing much worse like drugs and binge drinking.

It is none of his business. If you get on ok and he asks, you can tell him what happened. If you don't get on, tell him it's not his business

I don't know, he probably have a suspicion. But I feel horrible that DS saw me, I grew up watching my dad smoke in the garden. And I remember at 10 having this urge to try it, and at 13 I tried it for the first time with a friend.

I think I'm just gonna text him and tell him that DS saw me smoke.

It's going to be awkward if DS tells him first, he has a partner and it's jus embarrassing. At least if I tell him now, he won't be as shocked when DS tells him.

No. Say nothing, OP. He is not your keeper or your judge. And your little one needs to learn this! He should know that you don't snitch on mummy to daddy (at some point, you need to work on this with your child but it's not a huge thing so don't sweat about it right now. But make sure your ex isn't some 'authority figure' inside your home). You do not need to tell your ex or anyone, OP, other than your GP if you want/need support in quitting.
Don't be hard on yourself.
My ex was a smoker, quit for years, started smoking again, etc. How did I know? Our DS would mention it. Ex never said a word to me. Why should he? I never said a word to my ex. It would make me a bit sad when DS would mention it because it told me that ex was in a period of stress. I wasn't delighted to have DS exposed to cigarette smoke, but I knew that ex was always an outdoor/balcony/garden smoker and DS didn't have any risk factors like asthma.
What you can do is limit your child's/children's exposure to second-hand smoke. it sounds like you already do that, so that's a really good thing. That is the kindest thing you could continue to do. And then work on quitting! Good luck, OP. It's not easy to quit. When the time is right, you can and will.

Nothing to do with him, he's your ex! Don't beat yourself up, lots of people are smoking again or drinking a bit too much due to the shit going on this year.

Can you tell him you were just holding it for a friend?

Seriously it's none of his business I'm not sure why you are worrying? It's one fag not a line of coke

What are you worried your ex will say or do?

@TheVanguardSix how do I tell him he can't snitch on mummy to daddy? If I tell him like that, he's going to think I'm doing something bad ( ok technically I am, but still) and I don't want his dad to know.

My eldest saw the ashtray once, and even told me I smell of smoke, but has never told his dad.

Unless Dad is a smoker too, he already knows.

Because you smell like a smoker.

Sorry.

Can you tell him you were just holding it for a friend?

Yeah! Say you were holding it for your invisible friend! DS is 4, you said? He'll totally understand.
Goodness OP, if it makes you feel any better, I went to a child's 5th birthday party- this was 13 years ago- held at home and the mother offered us parents speed and Lambrini... straight from the fridge. I kinda knew then and there that a cuppa wasn't on the cards. I didn't touch the bowl of Smarties... just in case.

So please, please, please do NOT beat yourself up over the odd fag on the balcony, for heaven's sake. And work on self-esteem, self-empowerment. Your ex has NO ownership over you. He never did in the first place. You don't need to tell him anything about your own personal life or choices... even if you decide to go down the 'speed and Lambrini at birthday parties' route, you don't need to tell him! Though somehow, I think you'll be sticking with the occasional fag.
Actually, just pondering it all, Lambrini is probably worse for you than speed.

None of his business. It is all about the guilt you are feeling. Speak to your child about it and let them know that mummy does smoke sometimes and it isn't a secret but it isn't very good for you so you do it outside. Don't address your child telling your ex. It is fine if he does and if he brings it up it is none of his business!

@AnneLovesGilbert just don't want him to think I'm sitting here doing all sorts of things and the children are exposed to that and I'm hiding it. Maybe I'm overthinking this I don't know. Just feel embarrassed that DS saw me.

Nothing to do with your ex.

Honestly don't beat yourself up over this - own it - you like the occasional cigarette.

If the whole situation makes you feel this bad then use it as the motivation to give up smoking.

You can't tell a child not to 'snitch' on you. . Be the grown up, yes, you had a cigarette ... now move on.

Fuck it. He's your ex, his opinion means nothing unless it's directly related to the children's upbringing. You are smoking outside and clearly endeavoring to prevent your children even seeing. Wear a coat and hat when you smoke, so you don't bring it in on your clothes and hair.

Don't tell DS not to snitch. Just tell your ex it has absolutely diddly squat to do with him if he mentions it.

It's fuck all to do with your ex. Why is it a problem if he knows?

Its none of his business. And if you try to control what the child repeats to your ex you're going to end up in a really toxic dynamic.

But please do give up smoking! I say that as a dc of a lifelong smoker with untreatable lung cancer. Just not worth it. Only time will tell if the years of passive smoking I was subjected to has put me in the same position.

Omg, op, you didn't kill exs kitten.
Youre making something out of nothing.
Don't mention to ex that you've had a ciggie, none of his business first of all, nor make it a thing to your children.
If ex asks, then sure -say yes, I have one occasionally, on the balcony. DS happened to see me when I thought he was napping/whatever.

The bigger the issue you make the worse it's going to be! Its such a none issue.
Youre a adult, smoke if you choose to, away from DC as you have been, in your own time.

Why what you ex thinks is beyond me? The bigger issue you make out of this the worse its going to come across. Im guessing that your DC (4) said what he said was because he could pick up on mummy's feeling of shame and being "naughty"

Reaction should have simply been...nothing. moving swiftly on with whatever else you had to do.

@TheVanguardSix how do I tell him he can't snitch on mummy to daddy? If I tell him like that, he's going to think I'm doing something bad ( ok technically I am, but still) and I don't want his dad to know.
I don't know, to be fair. I don't really know how to have this conversation. But I do hope you know I wasn't being critical, just kind. At a certain point, with my own DS, I did have to have a talk that resembled something like this:

"Daddy's not the boss of me (mummy)," you could tell your DS. "He's your daddy and you have to listen to him and follow his rules in his home, but I am mummy. I am the grown-up here in this home. You follow my rules in our home here and daddy's rules in daddy's home (presumably, daddy's a pretty decent guy and a good example). And I follow my rules in this home. If I am at your daddy's, I would follow his rules, just like you do."

You could start with something like that. It doesn't have to get too complicated. It helps to set a boundary though. Your home is your home, OP. As I said before, you don't want your ex to have to much of an authoritative presence inside your home. That's not fair on you.

Hopefully your DS won't grill you about the smoking. I am not sure how to talk to your DS about smoking if it does come up again. But you could reassure him that you will work hard to stop smoking and you can focus on that angle of the conversation rather than the smoking itself.

Smoking is not illegal.

Your legal activity has nothing at all to do with your ex-husband.

You need to mentally separate yourself from him. He is not in charge of you!

It doesn't really matter what he thinks of you smoking. He probably already knows because it stinks so you'll smell of smoke and your kids anx house probably will aswell.
What does matter is that your children can smell smoke on you so are breathing it in. And they're seeing you smoke and will learn to do it themselves.

What's it got to do with your ex? He has a life apart from you where he can do whatever he wants. You have the freedom to do the same (though for god's sake stop smoking - it makes you smell and will make you ill.)

You'll smell, the house will smell and probably the children too. Smokers seem to be oblivious to it but smoke smell does linger so if your ex is a non smoker he'll almost certainly be able to tell.