DS caught me smoking, do I tell their dad before he does?

[smokingisbad]

This is really weird, but I’ve been smoking in secret for a while because of stress with work and stuff. My DC has never seen me smoke, but they’ve seen the ashtray in the balcony. My youngest DS who’s 4 is at home with tummy ache, I thought he was sleeping so went out quickly to smoke in the balcony. He woke up from his nap, but I didn’t see him until he opened the balcony door and he said “mummy, are you smoking” I panicked and was like no no.. and he said yes, you’re are smoking.

Anyway fast forward til today, this morning we’re getting ready for school and suddenly he shouts to his siblings “I saw mummy smoking yesterday, I’m going to tell daddy” and put his hand up to his mouth pretending he was smoking.

I’m shocked he knows what it is at 4 years old, even though he’s never seen me smoke before.

My ex DH know I quit, but doesn’t know I started again. I want to quit, but my question is their dad is picking them up tomorrow, so do I tell him first what happened or do I wait and see if DS tells him?

I don’t want him thinking I’m sitting there smoking in front of the kids and doing all sorts. Im embarrassed tbh.

[quote smokingisbad]@TheVanguardSix how do I tell him he can't snitch on mummy to daddy? If I tell him like that, he's going to think I'm doing something bad ( ok technically I am, but still) and I don't want his dad to know.

My eldest saw the ashtray once, and even told me I smell of smoke, but has never told his dad.

[/quote]
Probably hasn't needed to - may well be obvious.

Instead of being so worried that you'll be Told On, why don't you stop?

But he does know because you will smell and the house will smell. He hasn't said anything because he presumably knows it's just none of his business. Honestly, even if it's the odd one on the balcony you can tell if you come in to a house carrying smoke smells.

Don't say anything or I think it will look more embarrassing. You'll come over as trying to justify it. It's your business!

The best way to use this is to make it the kick you need to stop. Soon there will be no smoke smell when your ex picks up, you won't smell of it... and he'll conclude that maybe you went back to smoking for a while but you clearly don't any more.

I would mention it to him, but I wouldn't feel the need to be apologetic. I'd probably just text him saying, 'FYI I'm smoking again at the moment - DS might mention it.' Never apologise, never explain and all that. Obviously it's not ideal for him to see you smoking but it's not exactly tantamount to child abuse.

One of Mumsnet's favourite refrains is that if you smoke your house, clothes, children and dog will all stink of smoke so much that anyone who passes them on the street will realise. Of course you'll smell of smoke when you've had a cigarette, but if you only smoke outside then you're not going to smell of smoke after a shower and wearing clean clothes.

It's fuck all to do with him! Plus your DS will probably forget. YY to having conversations going forward about daddy not being YOUR daddy and that he doesn't make rules for you though. My kids do it, but luckily exH and I get on well. They come out with things that sound TERRIBLE sometimes like' daddy had NO food in the house', when I know full well they equate not having their exact preference of crisps in abundance classes as NO FOOD. If you try to 'hide' the smoking, your DS will feel that it's a big secret type thing and definitely tell everyone he ever meets. I'd be more inclined to admit and minimise. Say something like yes, mummy did a silly thing trying that cigarette, it's horrible, I won't try it again. Then either don't get caught again! And pack it in if you can, but not because of your Ex. As long as you're not smoking in the house etc then it's fuck all to do with him!

In general, it's not a great idea to get kids used to lying to adults close to them - especially a parent - no matter what the reasoning. Surprised so many posters seem to think it is. Quite aside from being unfair on the poor child "secrets you can't tell Daddy" has a very unpleasant ring to it.

@PoulePouletteEternellement

Smoking is not illegal.

Your legal activity has nothing at all to do with your ex-husband.

You need to mentally separate yourself from him. He is not in charge of you!

This! I don't agree with smoking at all, but it really is none of your exes business whether or not you do it.

Well, he’s an ex so it’s none of his business.

Please don't lie to your child or tell him to keep secrets from dad. You are making it into something much bigger than it has to be.
When your DS fucks up at some point on his live, you'll want him to know that it's best to own your mistakes and deal with them.

[quote smokingisbad]@TheVanguardSix how do I tell him he can't snitch on mummy to daddy? If I tell him like that, he's going to think I'm doing something bad ( ok technically I am, but still) and I don't want his dad to know.

My eldest saw the ashtray once, and even told me I smell of smoke, but has never told his dad.

[/quote]
I think you should tell him you were doing something bad. "It's very bad and Mummy is going to stop doing it." None of your ex's business though. It doesn't matter whether your DS tells on you or not.

You are doing nothing illegal.
You are not neglecting or abusing your child.
It's not the best coping strategy, and it's unhealthy. But that's none of your exes business.
So your kid tells on you? So what? If your ex is a nice person then he'll know that your just a imperfect person doing their best. And if he's an arse? Then you need to stop giving a shit what he thinks. actually even if he's the nicest person in the world it still doesn't matter what he thinks.
It does matter what you think, and it seems like this is something you want to change. But with smoking (and any big habit change) there are often a lot of periods of relapse before you crack it for good. The key is to perservere, whilst being kind to yourself. Guilt and shame and secrets get nobody anywhere with addiction, those are the emotions that cause you to smoke again, actually. Don't try to hate yourself into quitting, try loving yourself enough to quit. Self love and self care are the answers, not a flagellation infrront of your morally superior ex

Its only your Exes business if you are smoking around the children or smoking weed, crack etc. Cigarettes are legal

@LightDrizzle

It’s none of his business so you have no need to tell him. It sounds like your son is definitely going to grass you up but if your ex says anything, just remind him it isn’t his business particularly as you don’t do it inside or around the children. Keep it short or you’ll start bumbling around justifying yourself and kick yourself later. Good luck giving up. My dad died suddenly at 64 almost certainly largely contributed to by smoking. Mum lived to 85 but her last 15 years were miserable as she was incrementally disabled and sapped by COPD and finally lung cancer. She hated it, she’d been so glamorous and dynamic. I’d talk to your son and try to turn it into a learning point about how addictive smoking is, and how you don’t won’t to smoke because it’s horrible and you will be trying to give it up.

This is a really great post.

Nothing to do with him. You have the odd cigarette outside. So what. Your life, your choice.

As he’s an ex I wouldn’t say anything. Although he will already know, your children’s parents will know, anyone who comes to your house knows, because smoke invades every single aspect of someone’s person, even if they think it doesn’t.

But what you do need to be prepared for is your ex e.g. telling the children that smoking is a disgusting habit, because it is. It’s not his business that you smoke, but he doesn’t need to curb his feelings about it in front of your children just because you smoke.

it is far better for your children to think as smoking as unacceptable than not.

Use this as an opportunity to give it up today...

While I personally hate smoking, you have done nothing illegal or immoral. Hundreds of would be quitters fall of the wagon on a daily basis. It should not be a guilty secret that you have to make a solumn confession about. It is nothing to do with your ex, he is not your boss. If your DS tells him so what, it should be no more important than anything else you have done today. If you stop acting so guilty, talking to your ex about it might lose its attaction anyway.

My DC regularly told me their Dad, my ex, was smoking. I never said anything to him. It's none of my business. It's not a big deal.

Christ the anti smoking army are out today.

It was a fag, people smoke, parents smoke, its hardly crack cocaine. Relax.

Don’t tell you ex, it’s not his business.
If your ex says
Ds says he saw you smoking - just reply
And your point is?
Then change the subject.

Your ex has been able to date and get a partner, who is already around your children, did he run all of his actions past you? Are you asking him to refrain from having sex while your children stay over, would he accept that?

You are two separate adults and only things that would massively impact on the children, need to be told to the other parent. You need to change your thinking.

Also, it quite possible for you or your house not to smell, or 'stink' as some over dramatic posters like to describe it, if you smoke outside. My two DD's are smokers and I hate smoking, but their houses don't smell of smoke, occasionally of dogs and their breath of coffee (which I also hate) though.

To those saying its none of his business, i guess you are right as they are not together, however passive smoking is just as dangerous to young children so i do think she should tell her ex that she smokes occassionally but away from the children, outside and never whey they are around.

If i was a single parent with an ex who saw my DC i would be concerned if my partner smoked and i think most people would. Having reassurance they are not smoking indoors or around the kids i think is a simple thing to do to reassure a parent.

If it were the other way round i have no doubt the MN Mafia would be out with pitchfolks for her EX.....how dare he put their kids lives at risk etc. It works both ways!!

Christ the anti smoking army are out today.

Shame the anti-lying army stayed at home

Quite upsetting to see so many people justifying either lying to a child, or even worse, proposing trying to get a child to lie to a parent.

If you fancied a glass or two of wine would you run it past your ex? No different IMO

@GoldfishParade

Christ the anti smoking army are out today.

It was a fag, people smoke, parents smoke, its hardly crack cocaine. Relax.

Happy to be a member.

Still don't think the OP needs to justify herself to her ex.

However, as far as her children are concerned she needs to stop.

All this 'people will know of you smoke because you will stink even if you think they don't they do' makes me laugh.

When mine were small, I had terrible PNA. I smoked occasionally, in secret from DH, when they had their naps (outside, with door closed, I took the monitor with me). I used to put on a fresh top, brush my teeth, wash my hands after and I wore a hat when I smoked which went straight in the wash. I also never did it when they were near to or due to wake up. They never saw and nor did anyone else.

DH definitely did not know. He HATES smoking and I'm not exaggerating to say it'd be a deal breaker for him I expect. There is no way he knew he'd have been really really upset with me. I've never told him and believe me if he knew I'd know about it.

I stopped, btw, because they stopped napping and I never wanted them to see me, but I did what I needed to do to get through that difficult time. It's not ideal at all, it is a grim, expensive and very unhealthy habit but it's not crack fgs. Don't feel bad OP and try to stop when you can.