Sil issue

[ruby4ever]

I've name changed for this

So my sil, dh sister. We've never been overly close, she's a very very private person, but we get along and are civil with each other. (We've been in each other's life for a decade)
I don't want to drip feed, so in the past, am talking like 3-4 years ago, we did have some issues, which actually I didn't want a big deal made out of it, but others thought her behaviour was unacceptable and called her out for it. We talked it out and everything was fine,

When I go to mils, I see her, Everything seems fine, she asks about me, what I've got up to etc, just normal chit chat.

Anyways the last time I saw her was in July. I went away for the summer, and when I came back, few day later I visited the mil house, sil was upstairs. I sent her a text saying the kids would love to see her, she replied she's coming downstairs. We were there for couple of hours, she didn't come down and then we left. I thought nothing of it, she must've just been busy, not feeling well whatever.

Anyways we tend to go to mils once a week, everytime we go, she is upstairs and doesn't come down at all the whole duration we are there, her child is downstairs. Mil will just make passing comments about what is sil doing upstairs and then ignore it.
I don't care that I haven't seen her, or she hasn't seen me, but she hasn't seen my children since July! Those kids are her brothers children, her flesh and blood. How do you after all them years of showing them affection just avoid them like they don't exist?? I don't get it.

Since that last mssg of her saying she's coming downstairs, she hasn't mssgd me or even her brother to say she missed and hopes to see us another time, or just that everytime we've come she's been busy and perhaps come on xyz day so she can see the kids, or that she will round to ours. I don't want to act desperate by trying to force her to come downstairs, interact with myself and my kids.

I was there for her in her most dire need, it's funny how people forget the good you do for them.
Am just feeling really annoyed, I keep trying to ignore the situation but everyday it pops in my head.
A few time when dh has gone on his own, she's been around, and asked him nothing about myself or the kids considering she hasn't seen us in almost 4 months, it's like we don't exist to her.

I just don't know what I could've done, everything was perfectly fine the last time I saw her, I don't post anything on social media for her to be offended by.

I really don't know what am trying to gain by posting this, am so so tired and needed to write this down, half of it probably doesn't make sense so I apologise.

It doesn't matter what you have done for her in the past. You nor your children are owed a relationship with her. Stop doing things for her and let the trash take itself out

I suppose that's exactly it. That's why I've not mssgd her anymore as I don't want to force a relationship. The balls in her court.

Its just not nice being ghosted for no apparent reason.

It will just be awkward at family gatherings/occasions

Are you in the UK?

@ruby4ever

I suppose that's exactly it. That's why I've not mssgd her anymore as I don't want to force a relationship. The balls in her court.

Its just not nice being ghosted for no apparent reason.

It will just be awkward at family gatherings/occasions

It doesn't have to be awkward. Be polite and distant. Is your Sil childfree? Not childless but childfree

She has issues. Ignore it.

you don't know why she's keeping to herself.
but really it doesn't matter.
don't seek to be offended.
it has no real effect on how you live your life.
i don't suppose the children have even noticed.
it sounds as if you are wanting something to be outraged about.
just get on with and enjoy your own family.

The children have noticed.
She isn't child free, child is 7, she's often unable to leave her child at home with mil, so takes child out with her

There's a lot of reasons why she may be avoiding you - concerns about covid and having you all in the house may be giving her anxiety, maybe she's depressed, who knows.

She doesn't owe you or your kids her time.

Why would she leave her child with MIL and not take her with her? I don't really understand that comment?

TBH, being brutal, she doesn't want to know, don't push it, just let her get one with it.

You've got her number, why don't you call her and ask her if she's OK?

Why can you not pop upstairs if she's there and say ''hello''?

Could she not just be extremely anxious with mixing because of covid?

Just a thought. I have CFS as well as MH issues including PTSD following childhood SA, and I’m on anti-depressants. I now have long Covid. Interaction with people makes me very tired so I spend a lot of time upstairs. I make an effort when people visit but not for very long, as I end up tired out very quickly. Friends and family know that I have long Covid so they understand the reason.

Your SIL is the same with her brother, which makes me think it may be about something similar. Or it might be about Covid. She doesn’t owe you any explanation, though.

Has your dh asked her?

I find it very strange that neither you or dh has asked her why she no longer comes downstairs when you go over. Just have a conversation with her!

There's obviously a reason she doesn't come down. At a guess MH issues. She doesn't owe you an explanation and you need to chill out.

Yeah she doesn't owe me an explanation, I never said she does!!! I don't know what type of family relationship some of you have had, where I come from it's abnormal for an aunt to ignore her nieces and nephews!

Sounds like either she's depressed or simply doesn't want to see you all.
Texts do work both ways. You could have text that you were leaving in 5 mins is it ok to pop up and say hello?

It sounds to me as if SIL is staying upstairs out of your sight because she is going through has some severe mental health problem and just can't cope with visitors . Perhaps the symptoms are very severe at the moment and she couldn't hide them from you and feels ashamed . She may have sworn her mother and brother to secrecy.

That would also explain why MIL has care of the 7 yr old downstairs.  Did you never think it odd, that SILs child doesn't run up and down to see and talk to Mummy, or take your kids to play upstairs.

There are even a few small clues in your post that this may be a recurrence of previous MH "she's a very private person" "others thought her behaviour was unacceptable".

  Social avoidance and self exclusion is  quite common  during  episodes  of severe mental illness. So is protection, cover up  and collusion  by family members.  If  she is just hiding away from the world until it passes, you need to readjust your mindset.  This is not some personal vendetta against you;  or unkind avoidance of your kids, or rejection of your messages.  She is ill, she can't help it. 

         If  I am right about this, then  bear  in mind that  supporting  a family member with severe MH  is  very stressful for  family members. They may have had very many years of practice so don't judge them for how they go about it. 

          In your shoes I would wait for a quiet moment, no kids around, and very gently  say to your husband  that its so long since you've seen SIL  you've been wondering if she is unwell or having a breakdown. Those vague woolly terms  may be easier to acknowledge.   In some cultures there's still a great deal of shame and secrecy about  mental illness .  Tread gently, and you may find is a great relief to him to admit the truth and not have to keep up a front.

If she's normally a very private person, maybe she is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with socialising with people who drop in randomly. Has your husband talked to her?

I can't get over the bit where you text rather than walk upstairs and say hello. But as for seeing nephews and nieces - I'm managing fine without having seen mine since July! I don't really see them as my flesh and blood either. You can't assume that people will be interested in your children, just because they're relations; maybe they'll like them, maybe they won't, maybe they'll simply be indifferent.

And it's a big jump to say that someone has mental health problems because they're not in the mood to see someone else's kids! (I'd be in a straitjacket most days!)

If your MIL hasn’t mentioned to you how odd it is too, then probably because she knows the full story and the Sil has a reason.

I too would find it off and very rude, but I wouldn’t feel offended.

I don't think it's a given that aunts want an involved relationship with their nieces and nephews, so desperately that they'd spend time in the company of adults they dislike to do so. I think aunts and uncles, when the kids are small anyway, tend to have a good relationship with nieces and nephews only if they have a good relationship with the parents.

I also don't really see my nieces and nephews as important family members. They are important to their parents and grandparents, but, since I'm not close to their parents, (long story and nobody's fault really), I rarely see them or their dcs. It is sad, but that's life. They are lovely kids and when I do hear from them I'm always very happy, but I wouldn't go massively out of my way to see them if that makes sense. We always send presents and cards for birthdays and Christmas etc. We also live far away so that doesn't help.

My sil has gone unofficially NC with mil and all of us really but she's abroad so not an in-your-face issue. Silences and and walking out of the room when she has to visit etc. It is because of mental health issues I think, in part, but it's natural to wonder why and be hurt by it and question your own behaviours.There are some expectations around family stuff though @katy1213 like it or not and it raises a few eyebrows even though it might seem normal to you, it doesn't to OP which is why she posted.