Sil issue

[ruby4ever]

I've name changed for this

So my sil, dh sister. We've never been overly close, she's a very very private person, but we get along and are civil with each other. (We've been in each other's life for a decade)
I don't want to drip feed, so in the past, am talking like 3-4 years ago, we did have some issues, which actually I didn't want a big deal made out of it, but others thought her behaviour was unacceptable and called her out for it. We talked it out and everything was fine,

When I go to mils, I see her, Everything seems fine, she asks about me, what I've got up to etc, just normal chit chat.

Anyways the last time I saw her was in July. I went away for the summer, and when I came back, few day later I visited the mil house, sil was upstairs. I sent her a text saying the kids would love to see her, she replied she's coming downstairs. We were there for couple of hours, she didn't come down and then we left. I thought nothing of it, she must've just been busy, not feeling well whatever.

Anyways we tend to go to mils once a week, everytime we go, she is upstairs and doesn't come down at all the whole duration we are there, her child is downstairs. Mil will just make passing comments about what is sil doing upstairs and then ignore it.
I don't care that I haven't seen her, or she hasn't seen me, but she hasn't seen my children since July! Those kids are her brothers children, her flesh and blood. How do you after all them years of showing them affection just avoid them like they don't exist?? I don't get it.

Since that last mssg of her saying she's coming downstairs, she hasn't mssgd me or even her brother to say she missed and hopes to see us another time, or just that everytime we've come she's been busy and perhaps come on xyz day so she can see the kids, or that she will round to ours. I don't want to act desperate by trying to force her to come downstairs, interact with myself and my kids.

I was there for her in her most dire need, it's funny how people forget the good you do for them.
Am just feeling really annoyed, I keep trying to ignore the situation but everyday it pops in my head.
A few time when dh has gone on his own, she's been around, and asked him nothing about myself or the kids considering she hasn't seen us in almost 4 months, it's like we don't exist to her.

I just don't know what I could've done, everything was perfectly fine the last time I saw her, I don't post anything on social media for her to be offended by.

I really don't know what am trying to gain by posting this, am so so tired and needed to write this down, half of it probably doesn't make sense so I apologise.

Texting her to come down was weird and rude.

I don't think she likes you or the kids, not saying it's right the way she is behaving though! Or like others say anxiety/mh issues. Sure in time she will tell you.

See i don't think my texting was odd or wrong. I can imagine had I said, I went upstairs and knocked on, everyone here would say I was being rude or forcing her to have to interact with us and that I should wait for her to come as opposed to me going to her. I wouldn't feel comfortable knocking on her door anyway, I'd feel like am intruding, text is just easier. You actually can't hear from upstairs when people come to the house, I lived there for a bit so am well aware.

Sorry to hear your situation @Pinkyxx It seems like your sil was jealous of the close relationship you had to your brother.

I agree with those that said mn is a weird place almost like a different world 😂 I know I wouldnt get some of these responses from people in real life

You seem quite set in your ways about how people should behave.

You seem to be trying to force the relationship into how you think it should be.

Obviously the SIL has backed off from your relationship. Stop pushing so hard.

@PandemicAtTheDisco NO actually

How am I trying to force it in to what I expect when the relationship was the way it was for all those years? And then the sudden change. 🙄

Really odd comments on here! "She doesn't owe you her time"? what kind of weird, rude families do you people come from?!

I would feel completely miffed too OP. Once would be no big deal but to repeatedly behave this way is incredibly rude/strange. What were the issues from 3/4 years ago if you can say? Does she struggle with her mental health in any way? YANBU and I would get your DH to get to the bottom of it. He could tell her you are both a little concerned about her hiding herself away and hope she's ok - so it doesn't have to a "confrontation" more a concerned sibling conversation. Either way I'd have to get to the bottom of it!

You can’t force people to relate to you if they don’t want to.
I’d leave her to it and focus on the rest of the family.
But just so you don’t doubt yourself, it is a weird and unpleasant way to behave.

Weird of your SIL I mean.

This is very weird behaviour of SIL.

The texting is fine... as previously you would always see her at MIL’s, you were just letting her know you were there.

The sudden change is really weird (and rude of SIL). Doesn’t sound like you were ever forcing her into a friendship, but for her to hide upstairs is very rude... she could pop down for 2 minutes to say hi.. she is an adult.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. What does DH think?

I would of just went upstairs and started talking to her and said the kids want to see her.

She sounds like a miserable cow.

I can sort of see both sides. I don't understand why you're getting so wound up about her "flesh and blood" nieces and nephews. For many people, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews are way down the pecking order of important in our lives. I know that's the case in my family. My nieces, cousins, aunts, uncles are perfectly nice people. Some of them I'm really good friends with, some are more like passing acquaintances.

HOWEVER, even if I utterly despised someone and they were invited to my house with their dcs who were playing with my dc, of course I'd say hello and have a quick chat / cup of tea. But, maybe there is more to this. Maybe you've (accidentally) really offended her somehow? Can you ask her or your MIL?

My own brother hasn’t met their nephew and they have only met their other nephew 2/3 times and they are now 4!

Some people just don’t care, but it’s upto them, they are missing out. You can’t change them so why worry about it.

The other thing, just on a general point about nieces and nephews; I made a big effort to stay in touch with my nieces and nephews who live in another country. I babysat them all several times when they were tiny babies, to give their parents a rest. My dcs and they would have lovely playdates etc.

Then, my brother and his wife split up and she massively took the hump with me for some reason. I'd thought we were friends, but I honestly think she'd always disliked and resented me, but was putting one show for my brother, who is one of my best friends.

Now, if I ever visit the country, she will make it nigh on impossible for me to see them. So, I think it's made me quite wary of getting too invested in relationships with nieces and nephews. If it works out, great. If not, don't care too much, as it can be very hurtful if the parents fall out and you can end up being collateral damage. Not applicable here obviously, but certainly it has put me off seeing nieces and nephews as "flesh and blood" family members. I know technically, some of them are related to me by blood, but that doesn't mean all that much when it comes down to it. If their mum or dad decides they don't like you for whatever reason, you don't get to see them. So being an auntie is quite a different thing to being "your own flesh and blood", like being a parent. I have friends whose children are probably more significant in my life and my children's.

Sorry for slight tangent, but I think people often think "oh that would never happen in our family cos we all love each other" when you read threads like this and see the OP's sil being quite rude. But the fact is, not all extended families are as happy as that. I've long since learnt not to bother too much with any of my extended family. I treat them the same as I do friends. Some I stay close to, others not. There isn't any difference because they're blood relatives for me.

@StripyTigerTail
Sorry to hear that. So upsetting to have lost that relationship with your brother’s children.
I never understand this coldness in people.
It’s fine to minimise interactions with extended family as adults. You’re no more likely to get on with them than with any random person.
It’s the lack of interest - or in stripytiger’s case deliberate obstruction of a relationship with children that’s hard to understand. Unless the person is abusive or unpleasant, why not keep in touch with someone who cares about your children? So many children with no other adult to turn to if things go wrong at home.

Ah bless you, thanks @Coronawireless . Tbh, this is a common theme in my extended family. It makes me incredibly wary. But some, I am friends with. One aunt, two cousins, my dad, my siblings. I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends, DH and DCs as well. Maybe when my nieces and nephews are older we will have a relationship again. My dh's sister has dcs relatively nearby, so my dcs do have some cousins they get so see, (not at the moment though. Bloody virus).

I think she's just sticking to the lockdown and not mixing?

@howtobe

Ffs Mumsnet is a weird place 😂😂

Aye it’s weird OP.

Why would someone sit up stairs when your in for going on 5 months? It’s WEIRD and would definitely be considered odd behaviour in the outside world.

Agreed. Covid or not.

It's odd because you didn't need to text at all. I should imagine she could hear you eventually, you didn't need to summon her.

I agree @PandemicAtTheDisco,

I fully stand by my text.

I didn't SUMMON her. If I did, then one would run down those stairs

And that's a joke for those of you that can't take jokes

Do you let them know you are going over or just arrive?
I’ve turned up at my brothers house without warning before (to pick something up drop something off) and SIL has deliberately gone upstairs until I’ve left.
She hates being seen without makeup/hair done/being fully dressed.
If she knows we are coming she’s absolutely fine.

On the other hand it could be because of lockdown you should mould not be going into their house at all if you are in the uk.