To tidy myself up for a Zoom meeting?

[PucePanther]

I’m a SAHM to preschool DC. We agreed we’d be better off financially if I stayed at home until free nursery hours are available. Then Covid happened so it made even more sense to keep DC at home.

Prior to Covid I went to a weekly theatre group. I always got washed and put some makeup on and DH never commented. During the first lockdown someone proposed a weekly script reading via Zoom for fun. Only 7 of us were interested but it was a lifeline for me being trapped at home with DC. It was voice only so I didn’t get washed for the weekly meeting. DH already started whinging that I spend 2hrs talking to these people and I don’t spend 2hrs with him.

For the latest script someone suggested it would be cool if we could see each other so we could act out the parts better. So we started using webcams maybe six weeks ago. At this point I started washing my hair before the meeting and putting on a bit of lipstick.

Now DH has started “joking” that I must fancy the other participants and complaining that I don’t put makeup on for him. I said I’ve never worn makeup at home before, and equally I’ve never appeared in public without makeup and I like to look respectable. I can’t appear on webcam looking exhausted with DCs dinner in my hair. The group is 50/50 men and women and all are married. The other women are younger and look tidy because they’ve been to work during the day.

AIBU to tidy myself up before the weekly Zoom meeting? DH is increasingly moaning about it and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.

Your DH is being completely ridiculous, of course YANBU. Is he always this controlling?

I alway tidy myself up before sitting on zoom, make up is essential or I’d scare small children. He’s being ridiculous.

Of course you are not BU. He sounds like an insecure, whiny baby. Is he like this when you go out in general? Is he usually controlling?

At best I would find this belittling and annoying if my DP said such things.

At worst, if there are other issues in your relationship, I would find it jealous, manipulative and controlling.

I would tell him to keep his little 'jokes' to himself and do what the heck I liked.

How dare he spoil the one thing you have to yourself. He does not deserve you.

Tell him you do fancy the other participants. They've got a modicum of intelligence which clearly your whiney husband hasn't.

YANBU. I do my make up and hair and get dressed for Zoom meetings exactly the same I would if I was going somewhere in person.

As someone who almost walked into a zoom meeting DH was having with the PTA, in my underwear, I would advise a reasonable level of dress.

I have a Zoom work meeting in half an hour. I will be fixing my makeup, combing my hair and cleaning my teeth. It's been a long day and isn't over, but it will make me feel better all round.

@goldenharvest the Zoom moment of the year for me was when someone's DH appeared in the frame apparently naked and gave her a cup of tea.

Very impressed that he brought her tea and even more impressed at how cool she was dealing with it.

My husbands boss (VERY senior in the organisation) saw me in my nightie as I’d been lounging about on a day off and had to unexpectedly go out whilst he was on a video call in the bedroom.

With swinging boobs under a ratty nightie with bushy hair and yesterday’s mascara I walked in, apologised, introduced myself and got some clothes.

I now shower every morning regardless of my lounging plans.

[quote StillSmallVoice]@goldenharvest the Zoom moment of the year for me was when someone's DH appeared in the frame apparently naked and gave her a cup of tea.

Very impressed that he brought her tea and even more impressed at how cool she was dealing with it.[/quote]

It's completely up to you. I don't make a particular effort for Teams meetings - I haven't worn make up (or work clothes) since March but if it makes you feel better then do it.

@katy1213

Tell him you do fancy the other participants. They've got a modicum of intelligence which clearly your whiney husband hasn't.

Also this.

@viccat

YANBU. I do my make up and hair and get dressed for Zoom meetings exactly the same I would if I was going somewhere in person.

Same, of course I do and being unkempt would not fly well in my professional life. I do the same for hobby zooms, I wouldn't show up at a wine event in joggers and a hoodie so I don't do it online.

Honestly tell him to do one. Everyone does this. I work from home, I only get my hair done and make up on for days I have video calls, because I’m not video calling for work looking like shit, I’d not go into the office like it, so why would I do it on video call

Same for you. You’d not go to thr meetings without doing your hair and make up so why would video be different.

Honestly just tell him to shut it.

It’s not a funny joke, it makes him look insecure at best and controlling at worst - even if he is playing it off as a joke - and the fact he keeps going on about it!

He’s being ridiculous. A lot of people would put a bit of make up on to go out and meet friends or colleagues. It’s the same thing, it’s just you’re doing it on a webcam.

I'd imagine 99% of the internet enabled population of the world is like me and not like your 'D'H - I prepare for a zoom meeting in exactly the same way as I would for leaving the house. So - make-up and decent clothes for colleagues, a bit more casual for friends, merely presentable for family.

He's obviously jealous that you're enjoying yourself with other people and an interest he doesn't share.

Hes trying to make you doubt yourself so you stop doing this thing you enjoy. That's not nice.

Ignore him, he is being insecure and an idiot.

DH is increasingly moaning about it and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong

It's really concerning that you need to ask strangers if it's wrong to want to look presentable when meeting others. The zoom element is irrelevant imo is your Dh controlling you so much that you don't know that your behaviour is absolutely totally normal?

You're not in the wrong. Tell him if he wants to stop you speaking to friends and looking presentable then he's better lock you up as his property because he's acting a little Victorian.

Also script reading together actually sounds really fun

Sorry I’m going to fly against the wind here...
Why do you want to look presentable for strangers but not your husband? If my DH washed and Shaved for Zoom calls but not for me I would feel really disrespected.
I don’t think we should have to cake in make up for our partners, but washing our hair and looking basically presentable should be a given!