To tidy myself up for a Zoom meeting?

[PucePanther]

I’m a SAHM to preschool DC. We agreed we’d be better off financially if I stayed at home until free nursery hours are available. Then Covid happened so it made even more sense to keep DC at home.

Prior to Covid I went to a weekly theatre group. I always got washed and put some makeup on and DH never commented. During the first lockdown someone proposed a weekly script reading via Zoom for fun. Only 7 of us were interested but it was a lifeline for me being trapped at home with DC. It was voice only so I didn’t get washed for the weekly meeting. DH already started whinging that I spend 2hrs talking to these people and I don’t spend 2hrs with him.

For the latest script someone suggested it would be cool if we could see each other so we could act out the parts better. So we started using webcams maybe six weeks ago. At this point I started washing my hair before the meeting and putting on a bit of lipstick.

Now DH has started “joking” that I must fancy the other participants and complaining that I don’t put makeup on for him. I said I’ve never worn makeup at home before, and equally I’ve never appeared in public without makeup and I like to look respectable. I can’t appear on webcam looking exhausted with DCs dinner in my hair. The group is 50/50 men and women and all are married. The other women are younger and look tidy because they’ve been to work during the day.

AIBU to tidy myself up before the weekly Zoom meeting? DH is increasingly moaning about it and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.

If you’re presentable at home then obviously Zooming wouldn’t be a problem!

He can feck off. What is it to him?

The bigger question you should ask yourself is why would your DH begrudge you 2 hours a week to yourself?

He is deliberately trying to sabotage something you enjoy.

Sorry I’m going to fly against the wind here...
Why do you want to look presentable for strangers but not your husband? If my DH washed and Shaved for Zoom calls but not for me I would feel really disrespected.
I don’t think we should have to cake in make up for our partners, but washing our hair and looking basically presentable should be a given!

I agree with this, so have voted YABU. Don't think you should have to wear make up, but having a regular wash/shower is the bare minimum effort I'd want from a partner.

Make up for Zoom otherwise I look like a scary ghost. DH jokes about it but he has similarly given up shaving and wearing dress clothes when WFH.

Everyone bathes however.

Joking is fine, moaning is not.

DH is being an idiot. Also have you discovered the airbrush filter on Zoom?? I never zoom without it on now- makes me look decent even without much/any make up!

Your DH is being an idiot. If you usually put make up on etc to meet up with people then it's no different to doing it for Zoom - in fact looking at yourself on Zoom makes a lot of people more subconscious about what they look like.

As an aside, I personally dont wear makeup (in real or virtual life) and decided to stop giving a fuck about whether I looked atrocious on Zoom after the initial horror . Men don't feel the need to put makeup on do they?

Nothing wrong with making an effort. Much as I think you should not need make up, it's your choice.

Air brush filter??? Whaaaaaattt?!!!

Why do you want to look presentable for strangers but not your husband?
DH regularly sees me with no makeup and hair scraped back. In bed, eating breakfast, pottering round the house. That’s my private face that only my family see. My public face has a bit of makeup and tidier hair. Equally I’d wear pyjamas in front of DH but would put tidy clothes on to go the shops. People don’t put on makeup if they’re just sitting in the house - do they?

@Bluepolkadots42

DH is being an idiot. Also have you discovered the airbrush filter on Zoom?? I never zoom without it on now- makes me look decent even without much/any make up!

It’s fucking marvellous. It’s so good my boss actually exclaimed how made up I looked (as opposed to like a scruff bag). Then asked me to show him where it was.

Is he like this when you go out in general?
Not when I used to go to work. Not when we go out together. And not on the rare occasion I went out with a female friend. There have been a couple of occasions where he’s been ridiculous. Like at the pub one time when I went to the door to point our mutual friend towards the right bus stop, and DH didn’t know where I’d gone, and when he found me I was showing the friend something on my phone and laughing and I touched his arm. DH absolutely kicked off.

You should be able to have a shower and wear make up for any reason at all(or for no reason at all) and have it be ok. Your dh shouldn't have a say in how you present yourself.

Do what makes you feel happy/comfortable. He's being a twat. I wojldnstart questioning him as to why he showers before he goes to work, or why he does his hair etc. See how he likes it.

Not when I used to go to work.

Hmm, but he's managed to wrangle it so you're not working at all now and he's making it difficult for you to continue the 2 hours per week of social interaction you do have.

Do you now avoid doing the things he has kicked off about in the past?

He does sound controlling.

Why do you want to look presentable for strangers but not your husband? If my DH washed and Shaved for Zoom calls but not for me I would feel really disrespected.

Disrespected really? Your home is where you can feel comfortable, where you shouldn't feel the need to put on a mask or worry about how you look.

We need to hear more about the airbrush feature on zoom! How do we set it up?

Asking for a friend 🥸

YANBU.

Today I brushed my hair again and made myself more presentable for a meeting I didn't have to turn my camera on for as it made me feel a bit more presentable/in work mode.

It does sound as if maybe he doesn't like you spending time with friends.

I wear normal clothes like I would wear to the office, every morning I brush my hair and tie it back. I would not do any more than this as I never wear makeup so would not wear it on zoom.

But if I chose to do it I would and nothing my DH would say would matter, same as if he wanted to do anything different to his normal for his zoom meeting that is up to him I don't care it is nothing to do with either of us

I often engage in some sort of self-presentation ritual before a phone call that will require concentration. It all helps.

I really need a script reading zoom group in my life ...

@Jellycatspyjamas

I alway tidy myself up before sitting on zoom, make up is essential or I’d scare small children. He’s being ridiculous.

This is very true, I’ve had a couple of last minute teams meeting while WFH, most days I don’t wear make up and look like shit - I appreciate being forewarned - your DH is a knob

He gets washed in the morning for work and wears a suit. I don’t feel disrespected because he comes home and throws on a tshirt and pj bottoms. I didn’t feel disrespected when he worked from home and only put on a shirt when he had Zoom meetings. No I don’t style my hair and wear makeup when I’m parenting preschool DC, cleaning up and cooking meals. I don’t wash my hair every time I pick baked beans out of it because I’d be washing it several times a day. I’m not going to tart myself up after the third shower of the day because someone has done a messy poo. I do like to look respectable when others see me though.

To answer your question, you are not in the wrong to dress up for zoom.

But I don't think your husband is in the wrong either. As long as he is a good husband in many other ways.

It looks like he basically wants some reassurance that he matters to you. That's quite human and we all feel that way sometimes.
If you can just convey empathetically that you care, might just be enough to show your love.

I think he’s probably moaning a bit because outside of lockdown time he’d also get to spend time with you when you’ve made an effort, but now he gets permanent “can’t be bothered” you. I can see why that would be a bit of a strain on the relationship, if either party did that—you want to see your partner sometimes looking good, it’s only natural. Do you ever do a date night or an activity where you get to spend time together both making an effort? If not tbh I can understand why he feels that he’s not a priority, and you’re choosing to not want to make an effort for him ever. But he’s expressed it badly—the productive thing fir him to do here would be to organise you a home date evening without the kids. In which case it would be unreasonable of you to not make an effort!

Go the whole hog and just wear nipples tassels and a smile