To tidy myself up for a Zoom meeting?

[PucePanther]

I’m a SAHM to preschool DC. We agreed we’d be better off financially if I stayed at home until free nursery hours are available. Then Covid happened so it made even more sense to keep DC at home.

Prior to Covid I went to a weekly theatre group. I always got washed and put some makeup on and DH never commented. During the first lockdown someone proposed a weekly script reading via Zoom for fun. Only 7 of us were interested but it was a lifeline for me being trapped at home with DC. It was voice only so I didn’t get washed for the weekly meeting. DH already started whinging that I spend 2hrs talking to these people and I don’t spend 2hrs with him.

For the latest script someone suggested it would be cool if we could see each other so we could act out the parts better. So we started using webcams maybe six weeks ago. At this point I started washing my hair before the meeting and putting on a bit of lipstick.

Now DH has started “joking” that I must fancy the other participants and complaining that I don’t put makeup on for him. I said I’ve never worn makeup at home before, and equally I’ve never appeared in public without makeup and I like to look respectable. I can’t appear on webcam looking exhausted with DCs dinner in my hair. The group is 50/50 men and women and all are married. The other women are younger and look tidy because they’ve been to work during the day.

AIBU to tidy myself up before the weekly Zoom meeting? DH is increasingly moaning about it and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.

I think he’s probably moaning a bit because outside of lockdown time he’d also get to spend time with you when you’ve made an effort, but now he gets permanent “can’t be bothered” you
We can’t go on a date or even a date night at home because due to Covid we have nobody to babysit DC. We haven’t really had alone time since February. DH is complaining that I have “alone time” with my friends but not with him - but I don’t see what can be done because one of us has to have DC!

Well that’s your answer then!

You need to make time as a couple. When kids are gone to bed surely some evening? If you hadn’t had any couple time then that’s it.

You can also have an occasional nice family night—a lovely meal delivered from a restaurant, where you dress the table, have nice light, and all get ready as if you’re going to a restaurant.

TBH I would feel how he does—a bit hurt that there is no attempt to ever do anything special together anymore, or interest in being a couple.

The most alarming bit is that he resents you having 2 hours a week to do something you want to do. 2 whole hours not focussing on him, outrageous!

And the make up thing is ridiculous of him, of course you want to feel like your “public” self for zoom calls. It exactly the same as him putting on a shirt for zoom calls.

You need to make time as a couple. When kids are gone to bed surely some evening?
Hahahahaha as if! They don’t sleep. Last night the little one was still chattering on about Paw Patrol at 1am and I was in bed with him trying to make him lie down. The only time we’re ever alone is when we hire a babysitter and go out of the house. Which has been impossible all year.

a lovely meal delivered from a restaurant, where you dress the table, have nice light, and all get ready as if you’re going to a restaurant
So more work for me. Dressing the table, getting DC ready, tidying up, hand washing the good dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher. Do people really do this?

Your DH sounds like controlling arse (or giving him the benefit of the doubt he has cack handedly indicated he wants more quality time but has done absolutely nothing about it other than make you feel bad).

So more work for me. Dressing the table, getting DC ready, tidying up, hand washing the good dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher. Do people really do this?

Yes. We do date nights. But it's not one person's responsibility, why can't your DH set the table, tidy up, wash up, sort out the kids etc. Do you literally do everything at home?

Oh and we don't own any plates that can't go in the dishwasher, why make life harder for yourself?! Even if you just order some pizza and eat it out the box, it's nice to do something different and have a bit of time together. But if your husband is useless around the house then can see why you're totally fed up.

@PucePanther

You need to make time as a couple. When kids are gone to bed surely some evening? Hahahahaha as if! They don’t sleep. Last night the little one was still chattering on about Paw Patrol at 1am and I was in bed with him trying to make him lie down. The only time we’re ever alone is when we hire a babysitter and go out of the house. Which has been impossible all year.

Oh wow I thought only my child did that!! Glad I am not alone!! @PucePanther

Completely normal. Honestly i think it’s weird when people don’t get at least semi done up before going on a zoom call - if you wouldn’t let someone see you without makeup/decent clothes in real life, why would you do it over zoom? Does he think zoom has some sort of magic filter that adds make up for you?!

Is the timing of you getting ready that is the issue? I tend to get ready in the morning if I have a call in the evening, so I’m not leaving DH to do the kids dinner and bath/bed alone.

The getting ready and makeup are a red herring given he also moaned about you spending time doing the activity at all. Is it because he wants to make it unpleasant for you and put you off? It sounds like he has form for being controlling and unpleasant. Usually in my experience it's rooted in low level abuse, not wanting to take over care of the DC or a bit of both. Either is pretty crap but does shed light on your situation. Personally the only way I have ever found through this is to return to work sharpish and redress the balance in the house.

He seems jealous and controlling. I wouldn't personally reward this shit with a lovely date night op. Tell him he's being ridiculous, or are you worried about standing up to him? Are there negative consequences when you talk back to him? I have twice monthly book club zooms and work calls, if I have the video on then I have lipstick on. My dh doesn't think I must fancy anyone on the call because he's not an insecure jealous knob

You could dress up/put makeup for your husband once in a while, why not?