Boyfriends drinking habits - baby on the way

[Freddie15VES]

Hi guys,

Sorry if this is about to be a long post. To start with I’m 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

My boyfriend of 7 years has always liked a drink, which I also did too! However I grew out of it and never felt like I had to drink everyday. Whereas he does. I find empty beer cans in his office ‘hidden’. He says he’s not hiding them but they’re always in a cupboard in a bag or tucked under somewhere where it’s not noticeable. When I mention it to him he goes horrible with me.

In the past he’s had moments where he’s said he needs to change and stop drinking everyday - he even cried on me at one point asking for help. He said to nag him and bring it up with him but when I do he’s horrible to me and I’m not his mum! I love him to bits and he’s so great in so many other ways. I just don’t know what to do about this, I’m constantly finding bags of beer cans or beer cans stuffed down the side of the sofa! To me it’s not normal behaviour! A few years back I threatened to leave him over it...he went to stay at his parents house for a few nights and I found out he'd been drinking there even though we were on the brink of breaking up over it! I feel like a second thought all the time and I don’t want our son to ever feel like I do!

Am I being hormonal and over reacting?

In all honesty I would issue an ultimatum now before baby is here.

He either cuts back to weekends only (or quits altogether unless special occasion) or he leaves.

Because you can't have that around your baby. He won't be safe to drive. He won't be safe to care for the baby solo. Not to mention affecting his judgement with health and safety around the house.

Plus once baby is here and you're all tired, cranky and bickering as new parents do, you'll find he drinks more and more and you'll feel less able to leave him as you'll feel more vulnerable.

Unless he wants help, he's helpless. You deserve better.

I wouldn’t be having a baby with a drinking alcoholic. I’d rather be a single parent.

He’s an alcoholic and people don’t change unless they want to. You can’t make him stop drinking. Life with a baby won’t be less stressful than it is now so he’s unlikely to use that as his reason.

You might love him but he won’t take responsibility, he’s an addict, he’s horrible to you when you raise it. I’d look at your options because I think you’ll have to leave him. You’ll have to choose your baby’s wellbeing over staying with someone who prefers alcohol to anything else.

You'd be better off being a single parent. If he's already hiding empties, he's on a hiding to nowhere except rock bottom - and he will drag you and your child down there with him. Leave him. You can't fix him, only he can do that.

Mine didn't develop the addiction until our DDs were early teens. I stayed too long and although he is now dead, we are still living with the consequences. Don't be me.

If he’s going to quit or cut down he needs to do this with the proper help - if he’s drinking daily and you’re finding bags of cans, he’s going to suffer from withdrawals when he stops - he might already be feeling that way when he wakes up every morning so his drinking right now could just be to keep himself steady rather than drinking to get drunk. He needs to go and see your GP about a proper detox or he could end up being seriously ill. Better he do this ASAP before your pregnancy progresses so that by the time the baby is here he will be a few months in to recovery and over the worst of it (he will likely be pretty unwell / flu-like for the first 2 weeks). It’s a lot to take on and worth asking yourself if it is worth staying and fighting for. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and it was really tough on me / siblings / sober parent. The success of it all completely hinges on him and if he actually wants to stop and get sober - it doesn’t matter how much you love him or how much you do for him, nor the responsibility of having a baby, it totally comes down to him facing up to his issues and finding a new way to cope with things that doesn’t involve alcohol.

This is outside your control. Nothing you can do will make him stop drinking.

He's an alcoholic. Unless he wants to stop, it's not going to get any better. You can choose if you want to put up with it or leave. I'd be putting myself and my baby first.

You'd be better off being a single parent. If he's already hiding empties, he's on a hiding to nowhere except rock bottom - and he will drag you and your child down there with him. Leave him. You can't fix him, only he can do that.

^This.

My first boyfriend was the child of an alcoholic, he was a lovely lad but so so damaged by all the lies, secrecy and neglect. Please protect your child.

It's so sad reading this. You need to be really clear about the fact you are dating an alcoholic. This is not just a case of 'he drinks a bit much.' While alcoholics can absolutely change, they have to want to and they have to put a lot of hard work into changing. If they don't then they keep drinking and keep messing up their relationships. You and your child will pay the price for that.

Realistically, you have two choices - you stay with him and accept he is an alcoholic. He is going to keep drinking, being defensive and angry when you challenge him, and will spend (potentially a lot of) family money on alcohol which then gets hidden. You will go round in circles with that and he's likely to get worse. Or you leave him. You have high standards and you protect your child from growing up around a man who is an addict. The easiest thing to do is bury your head in the sand and keep hoping he will spontaneously change but you are only going to keep coming up against this issue if you do that. There is at least a chance that if you are strong and walk away, he will have a massive wake up call, get himself away from drink and then you can rebuild your relationship - quite often addicts only make big changes when they see they're losing the things that matter to them. But he still might choose drink, unfortunately.

Why did you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, and get pregnant? Did you hope he would change? If so, what made you think he would?

I advise you to look up Al-Anon, there might some online support arm

atm (not arm!)

It's not within your power to change what he is doing.

@lazylinguist

You'd be better off being a single parent. If he's already hiding empties, he's on a hiding to nowhere except rock bottom - and he will drag you and your child down there with him. Leave him. You can't fix him, only he can do that.

^This.

This a thousand times this.... wish I'd of left on the early days!

Am I being hormonal and over reacting?

No. But it’s a real pity that you didn’t think of the future with this man before you planned to bring a child into the situation.

I tell you this from experience. He will not stop. Leave him now while it's easy to. Don't get stuck like I am.

You need to plan a way forward as a single parent. Hiding evidence of his drinking is a very worrying sign. And you can’t nag him sober. That he’s horrible to you? Get out. He won’t change.

@AnotherEmma

Why did you decide to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, and get pregnant? Did you hope he would change? If so, what made you think he would?

I advise you to look up Al-Anon, there might some online support arm

Harsh as it sounds I agree with AnotherEmma

He has a drink problem. Nothing you say or do will make him change his habits. You can issue an ultimatum, but he won't care. His first love is alcohol, not you and not your unborn baby, sorry.

You need to prepare for being a single mother.

Why didn't you address this 20 weeks ago?

He's an alcoholic, probably what is classed as a 'functioning alcoholic' and unless he gets help he won't change.

My ex husband was a functioning alcoholic and I spent the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy hoping I didn't go into labour on a Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday night as I knew he'd be drunk. Luckily it was a Friday morning...

We split up when my daughter was three and it's a joy when I only have milk bottles and tins of beans to put out with the recycling.

If he's hiding the evidence, he has a problem. I like a drink or four every evening at home, but I can and have stopped when I want to and wouldn't try to hide it from my DH. Please don't get into the situation where you are doing everything for the baby (and yourself) on your own because you can't trust him.

Yep finctionung alcoholic and will not change.

It us nothing to do with hormones

He's an alcoholic, if he can't cut down himself he has a serious problem. I would not have that around any child of mine, he would be gone until he could grow the fuck up and sort himself out. If you and a child isn't motivation enough that tells you everything you need to know.

Not you (and don't let him convince you it is). As PP have said - he's an alcoholic. He's also horrible to you as a defence mechanism when you confront him. You're right. You just have to decide what to do, but you would be well within your rights to issue an ultimatum. Id also advise that you tell trusted family and friends about the problem, not the shame him but to face it properly, get it in the open and get the support you both need from everyone around you. Ultimately though the change can only come from him. Good luck. I'm sure this feels very scary.

Your boyfriend has a very serious problem, but that doesn't mean it has to your problem. Please don't raise your child in a home with an alcoholic parent. The damage done will last a lifetime.