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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends drinking habits - baby on the way

55 replies

Freddie15VES · 16/11/2020 17:23

Hi guys,

Sorry if this is about to be a long post. To start with I’m 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby.

My boyfriend of 7 years has always liked a drink, which I also did too! However I grew out of it and never felt like I had to drink everyday. Whereas he does. I find empty beer cans in his office ‘hidden’. He says he’s not hiding them but they’re always in a cupboard in a bag or tucked under somewhere where it’s not noticeable. When I mention it to him he goes horrible with me.

In the past he’s had moments where he’s said he needs to change and stop drinking everyday - he even cried on me at one point asking for help. He said to nag him and bring it up with him but when I do he’s horrible to me and I’m not his mum! I love him to bits and he’s so great in so many other ways. I just don’t know what to do about this, I’m constantly finding bags of beer cans or beer cans stuffed down the side of the sofa! To me it’s not normal behaviour! A few years back I threatened to leave him over it...he went to stay at his parents house for a few nights and I found out he'd been drinking there even though we were on the brink of breaking up over it! I feel like a second thought all the time and I don’t want our son to ever feel like I do!

Am I being hormonal and over reacting?

OP posts:
Rachetine · 16/11/2020 18:45

My dad was an alcoholic, I can’t overstate how awful it is to grow up around. Please don’t inflict that on your child, OP.

Leaannb · 16/11/2020 18:48

YABU to even think of having a child with an alcoholic. Incredibly selfish of you. An ultimatum doesn't work and your child will pay the price

Leaannb · 16/11/2020 18:48

@Rachetine

My dad was an alcoholic, I can’t overstate how awful it is to grow up around. Please don’t inflict that on your child, OP.
Too late. She is already pregnant
Leaannb · 16/11/2020 18:48

@Aquamarine1029

Your boyfriend has a very serious problem, but that doesn't mean it has to your problem. Please don't raise your child in a home with an alcoholic parent. The damage done will last a lifetime.
Damage is already done
wishingitwasfriday · 16/11/2020 19:00

You've known this about him for 7 years and have only now, once you are pregnant, decided it's an issue? He won't change unless he wants to and he's shown you that he doesn't want to. Be prepared to raise this child alone.

ScubaSteven · 16/11/2020 19:26

This isn't going to be fixed before the baby arrives. He's a high functioning alcoholic and bringing a baby into this is so unfair. Leave him, help him access the help he needs and then reassess the situation in a few months. The damage this man could do the child is not worth staying around for you can't support him because you have to support your child.

Why you'd decide to have a baby with this person at this point is beyond me, but do your child a favour and leave.

HopeClearwater · 16/11/2020 19:32

Am I being hormonal and over reacting

No. You’re under-reacting. What in God’s name are you pregnant for? Did you think it would force him to stop? It won’t.

Take the time to read every single reply on this thread and then plan to be a single mother who NEVER leaves the baby with its father. Alcoholics have no boundaries. You can never trust them.

FWIW I’m in the same position as pointythings. My kids were brought up in an alcoholic home and the alcoholic is now dead. Don’t waste your time waiting for him to stop. Don’t damage your child. He/she needs to come before your boyfriend. He’s made his choice - alcohol. Now you need to choose your child.

Speedyspunker · 16/11/2020 19:44

I am the daughter of an alcoholic; it coloured every aspect of my childhood and young adult life. I saw things I should never have seen and carried a knot of anxiety inside of me my entire life until my parents emigrated. He was even pissed when he walked me down the aisle. He's my father and I love him but please but your child first. This won't just go away, you need to be strong and make positive choices for your baby. Wishing you nothing but good luckFlowers

MaskingForIt · 16/11/2020 20:15

You’re over-reacting a a bit. You chose to have a baby with an alcoholic, so the fact that he still drinks can’t be that much of a surprise.

The time to make changes if before getting pregnant.

It isn’t fair to get pregnant by him and then leave him. You’ll need to find a way to live with his drinking by making sure you can drive yourself. Make adequate financial provision for yourself and your child so he can’t drink all the family money, and make sure you go back to work so you can self-support.

pointythings · 16/11/2020 20:20

It isn’t fair to get pregnant by him and then leave him. You’ll need to find a way to live with his drinking by making sure you can drive yourself. Make adequate financial provision for yourself and your child so he can’t drink all the family money, and make sure you go back to work so you can self-support.

Please ignore this incredibly bad advice. You don't have to tie yourself to this man for the sake of 'fairness' just because you weren't aware to realise you were tying yourself to an addict. Addicts don't play fair either. You need to put your child first and that means not inflicting this man on them any more than you absolutely have to.

This advice is basically the old 'you've made your bed, now you must lie in it'. It is total, utter bollocks.

MaskingForIt · 16/11/2020 20:26

You don't have to tie yourself to this man for the sake of 'fairness' just because you weren't aware to realise you were tying yourself to an addict

But she was aware that he is an addict. If his sperm and child maintenance payments are good enough for her, then the rest of him is good enough for her. He’s agreed to have a child with her in good faith that she loves him as he is and wants to raise a family with him. Its a bit off to pull a bait-and-switch.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/11/2020 20:26

At the moment he wont be able to cuddle the baby on the sofa or bed incase he falls asleep as it's not safe if hes been drinking. He wont be able to be in charge of the baby over night as he wont hear it cry. And I'd be worried about leaving him alone with it. I think you have to make plans to leave, now, as I dont think he is magically going to be able to stop when the baby arrives

pointythings · 16/11/2020 20:30

Masking so by your logic, if a woman marries a man who has once hit her, she should never, ever be able to get a divorce because she knew what she was getting into. Even if it were true that OP knew her OH was an alcoholic - and I doubt she did, when you love someone it's very difficult to accept and internalise a thing like that - do you really want to punish an innocent newborn? Fairness doesn't come into it. This is about protecting a child. I can't believe you're writing this - you either have no experience of life with an alcoholic or you have zero empathy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/11/2020 20:34

@pointythings

Masking so by your logic, if a woman marries a man who has once hit her, she should never, ever be able to get a divorce because she knew what she was getting into. Even if it were true that OP knew her OH was an alcoholic - and I doubt she did, when you love someone it's very difficult to accept and internalise a thing like that - do you really want to punish an innocent newborn? Fairness doesn't come into it. This is about protecting a child. I can't believe you're writing this - you either have no experience of life with an alcoholic or you have zero empathy.
This. You seem to think that a woman and her child should be punished because that woman chose the father poorly. Yes, she did. That doesn't mean she is now bound to him in romantic relationship despite the fact that living with an alcoholic parent is hugely damaging for a child. You sound awful.
user1843685313563 · 16/11/2020 20:36

But she was aware that he is an addict. If his sperm and child maintenance payments are good enough for her, then the rest of him is good enough for her. He’s agreed to have a child with her in good faith that she loves him as he is and wants to raise a family with him. Its a bit off to pull a bait-and-switch.

Yeh. Right you are. Hmm

AnotherEmma · 16/11/2020 20:37

@MaskingForIt

You’re over-reacting a a bit. You chose to have a baby with an alcoholic, so the fact that he still drinks can’t be that much of a surprise.

The time to make changes if before getting pregnant.

It isn’t fair to get pregnant by him and then leave him. You’ll need to find a way to live with his drinking by making sure you can drive yourself. Make adequate financial provision for yourself and your child so he can’t drink all the family money, and make sure you go back to work so you can self-support.

Oh dear. I really hope you listen to everyone who has challenged this, OP, and you disregard it. One of the worst pieces of advice I've ever read on mumsnet!
HopeClearwater · 16/11/2020 22:00

@MaskingForIt clearly you know less than nothing about living with an addict (as either a partner of one or a child of one) so clear off and give someone some advice about choosing curtains, or something else that doesn’t matter.

HopeClearwater · 16/11/2020 22:02

@Speedyspunker Flowers

Winterwoollies · 16/11/2020 22:43

@MaskingForIt go and hang your head. Jesus.

Kalula · 17/11/2020 00:11

@MaskingForIt Please tell us you were being sarcastic and joking. Please!

KnittingOnEmpty · 17/11/2020 08:31

Another one here who grew up with an alcoholic father. I can't articulate the feelings of helplessness, shame, feeling like an outsider, wishing him to change. His dying at 40 when I turned 14 was the worst thing yet the best thing.

Bluntness100 · 17/11/2020 08:36

Op, you know you’re not being hormonal, I am unsure why you’re putting it down to your pregnancy when you clearly state you’ve almost split up over it before and it’s been going on for years.

It’s nothing new. Nor is it something you’ve suddenly taken issue with. You’re full aware he an alcoholic, thr man even cried saying he needed help, and you chose to stay in the relationship and have a child with him.

You can’t stop his alcholism only he can. You can only change your own behaviour, which is stay and put up with it, or leave. And yes, he will continue to to prioritise his drinking over you and then the child.

Lionoflove1 · 17/11/2020 08:38

@Freddie15VES
And of course you decide to get pregnant with an alcoholic then say oh do I have an issue. Well yes you do - you knowingly are bringing an innocent child into a home with a alcoholic and a nasty relationship between you both.

Make sure you are broken up and living elsewhere before your poor baby arrives - you have to protect the baby from the useless alcoholic father you’ve lumbered them with.

IsAWookieABear · 17/11/2020 08:51

Another one here with an alcoholic father. Google the children of alcoholics laundry list. I'm in my mid 40s and I'm still incredibly damaged by my childhood. Please protect your child (and yourself) and leave your boyfriend, you can't change him. You deserve a happy life, and you won't have that with an alcoholic.

Borlotti · 17/11/2020 08:53

My partner was a functioning alcoholic when I had my first child.
I was in the same predicament as you in that I'd find empty cans and bottles hidden around the house, including like you, down the side of the sofa.
Stupidly I stayed with him for 3 years, hoping time and time again that he'd change.
The lying and the constant let downs hurt so much.
He stole from me, my parents and even from my child's money box to buy alcohol.
He was also verbally aggressive whenever confronted about his drinking habits.
When I left him it was such a relief to not have to deal with it in my home anymore. I felt freed.
The damage was already done though and he rarely saw our child, his drinking became worse and he died from it aged only 30 years old.
I wish I'd had the foresight to leave him before, so that my child would never have known him. I can't begin to explain the distress of telling my 8 year old son his father had died.
Only your boyfriend can make the choice to stop drinking and only he can do something about it.
It is incredibly unfair of him to tell you to nag him and bring it up with him, then to be nasty to you when you do as he asked.
You need to separate before your baby is born and he needs to work alone on his drinking problem.
Please don't stay in this relationship and subject yourself and your baby to this.
You and your baby deserve far better than this man can ever give you.