Anybody else have friends who never get in touch first ?

[Whitechocolatemarshmallow]

This group of friends I have had since school (now 30). I looked on the whatsapp group we have and since March, bar 2/3 occasions every single conversation or attempt to meet up (Covid permitting) has been started by me.
I must add that I have adhered to all the Covid rules with regard to how many can meet etc.

It's not just them though, I realised that I only have 2 friends who initiate convo first, but they live abroad.

I know people will say 'People are busy/have their own lives'/don't need to stay in touch all the time.'
And that's fine, I get that, but months and months on end ?

Makes me think they are replying just to be nice/out of habit.

Feel a bit down today. I don't need constant contact and weekly meet ups or anything, but i'd love to have a nice group who I could go out for drinks etc. With every couple of weeks or whatever.

Does anyone else feel this way, and what do you do about it ?

Think it's harder as you get older and after lockdown i'll just need to throw myself into clubs etc.

I've muted and archived the whatsapp group as I was sick of it being me all the time.

I am one of the people who never initiate; it's because I have anxiety and don't want to look pushy/clingy!

I understand fully, I, do get that this must be true. But I don't think they all collectively have it, and they go out with other people etc.

I have this too - really noticed it during lockdown and actually have just stopped making contact - I've decided life is too short to have friendships where they don't notice if I'm around or not... Their loss!

I think find people just get used to other people organising stuff. Try ignoring them for a bit and one will eventually say something!

I think in most relationships we take roles, some take the organising role without realising. The rest becomes habit.

I had a friend I really liked but realised she ne er initiated contact.

I decided not to contact her until she contacted me.

It’s been 6 years. Still waiting.

I have a couple of friends who do this too. If I didn't contact them first, I don't think they would ever get in touch with me again. One of my oldest friends literally NEVER gets in touch and I haven't seen her for around 2 years or more.

@Merryoldgoat

I had a friend I really liked but realised she ne er initiated contact.

I decided not to contact her until she contacted me.

It’s been 6 years. Still waiting.

Ah. Six months in my case.

Every day I come up with a new excuse for them ...

It's sad to read this. I know it happens, but it's literally the vast majority of my friends.
None of them have kids either. Ironically, it's the one who has kids that makes an effort.
I shouldn't take it personally as they probably do it to everybody, but I feel like I have hardly anybody I can talk to. Like say if something happened or whatever then I would message a friend, and don't really have that anymore, though at least I have my partner.

I'm thinking of exiting the whatsapp group, though I feel it may look petty. Just that I'm sure i'll end up messaging again in a few weeks if not.

Also i've tried ignoring them for months and it actually worked once, but they don't even do that anymore.

My friends could write this about me. To be honest, it just doesn't really occur to me to text. I read MN but don't do any social media and when I put my phone down, I don't look at it and keep it on silent. Doesn't mean I don't think about them, just means I have nothing to say and no interest in idle chat.

That's fair enough if you text nobody. I get that, but I know they text other people (well most of them).
For me, I need somebody who's interested in chatting. Not constantly, but it seems to be seen as "needy" if you want to see/speak to somebody more than twice a year on MN.

Yep - story of my life. Always the first one to make contact and make arrangements for nights out etc. The only time I am contacted is if they want help with something x

I'm really sorry to hear that, I hope you meet more decent people soon.

I've just looked at a whatsapp group with old colleagues who pledged to keep meeting up.

The last two messages/meetups were initiated by me. They did agree to a meetup in July, and since that day, haven't seen them or received a single message from any.
Not to ask how I am, anything.

I'm guilty of this. I'm self employed and find it difficult to demarcate work time, family time and leisure time. As a result I often feel all the undone stuff is a bit out of control and the moment when it feels OK to turn my back on it all and make time for friends never really comes. If someone else initiates a meet up or whatever, then I'm only too happy to see them and we always have a nice time. I get that this is my problem to deal with, but all I'm saying is that any perception you have of your friends as being indifferent to you may not be what is really going on. I also think that my general social crapness is quite a common afflication, so I assume that other people understand and don't take it personally. If I had a friend who was upfront enough to say that they wanted me to make more effort, I would take it on the chin and step up, so maybe you need to be more honest about how you feel and less quietly resentful, because no one is a mind reader. My feeling is that this is less personal than you imagine.

Also, for anyone who finds their friends only get in touch when they want something, are you sure you're as approachable as you think you are? I had a friend accuse me of this once (back in the days when I was actually quite proactive socially) and it really stung as I didn't see myself that way at all. But when I really analysed the dynamics of the friendship, I realised that I always felt I needed a practical reason to get in touch, because the friend made me feel quite insecure and inferior, and at some level I guess I wasn't sure getting in touch for no particular reason would be welcomed. Needless to say, the friendship didn't last much longer, but I think that was their fault as much as mine.

I can really relate to this, and particularly wanting to chat regularly. I've had that in some places I've worked, and obviously at school, uni etc, and when I don't I find it really hard. Wfh at the moment, and I don't really have many active Whatsapp groups or anything, so I've been feeling a bit lonely.

There are definitely plenty of people who I feel would never think to get in touch with me, but will generally reply to messages. The problem is that doesn't really lead to anything more regular, and then it feels like every message has to start with asking general questions and giving a bit of an update, rather than just jumping in with some stupid in-joke or interesting thought or little snippet of your day or whatever. It doesn't help that I tend to imagine everyone else is chatting regularly to lots of friends, and in various fun Whatsapp groups and that I'm missing out.

I don't know if you relate to this @Whitechocolatemarshmallow, but I feel like I don't know how to find that group of friends that is in touch more. When I had DS my NCT group was great, but we've all lost touch and I still feel like I'm particularly missing having something like that (if just to share the frustrations and amusing bits of having a toddler and chat about life in general).

That's fair enough if you text nobody. I get that, but I know they text other people

Do they text them first though? And how do you know?! (genuinely wondering that).

I'm terrible for being unable to keep up more than one friendship at a time. This is a pattern i've noticed in myself over the years. And that one friendship has to have some ongoing physical connection (like a work colleague or a mum of a child in the same class/year as one of mine). If that tie disappears, then i drift away usually into friendlessness, sometimes for years, rather than straight on to someone else.

I'm not proud of it. But it's how i am. It's no reflection on the other person.
(While i AM a friend i am a good one. I'll do anything for you any time you need me, i listen and empathise and share and i never ever gossip behind backs )

Again !!
Messaged a friend saying we should meet soon. He said 'yeah can do'.
I asked if he was free this week.
That was Sunday morning and message hasn't been read or replied to, yet he's posting on social media often.
Give up honestly.

@KrisKringlesLeftNostril

I am one of the people who never initiate; it's because I have anxiety and don't want to look pushy/clingy!

Me too - I worry that people will think I am one of ‘those’ friends - but my anxiety about calling people is worse.

Logically, I know how ridiculous it is, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

What’s the dynamics of the group like when you do meet up @Whitechocolatemarshmallow? Are they keen to meet once you’ve made the initial suggestion? Do you all get on well? I feel a like this a lot.

Yeah, they agree to meet, we will meet, chat and it'll be fine.
Then, no more messages from them until I get back in touch.

Keen to say that i'm not expecting constant contact and meet ups either, but they can go 6 months without even wanting to ask how I am.

I've had this too. Covid highlighted my friends selfishness. I list my job, a sibling died and I separated from my husband and moved out. Was she there for me? Was she fuck. Didn't hear a dickie bird from her. It was always me texting if she was ok?
Some people just don't value friendships in the same way you do I've come to realise.

That’s horrible, @TwoHoots74, I’m sorry.

There’s another ongoing thread on this, if you want to know just how not alone you are, @Whitechocolatemarshmallow:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4054492-Had-enough-of-making-all-the-effort-and-am-going-to-become-a-hermit

@TwoHoots74 i'm so sorry to hear that.