Anybody else have friends who never get in touch first ?

[Whitechocolatemarshmallow]

This group of friends I have had since school (now 30). I looked on the whatsapp group we have and since March, bar 2/3 occasions every single conversation or attempt to meet up (Covid permitting) has been started by me.
I must add that I have adhered to all the Covid rules with regard to how many can meet etc.

It's not just them though, I realised that I only have 2 friends who initiate convo first, but they live abroad.

I know people will say 'People are busy/have their own lives'/don't need to stay in touch all the time.'
And that's fine, I get that, but months and months on end ?

Makes me think they are replying just to be nice/out of habit.

Feel a bit down today. I don't need constant contact and weekly meet ups or anything, but i'd love to have a nice group who I could go out for drinks etc. With every couple of weeks or whatever.

Does anyone else feel this way, and what do you do about it ?

Think it's harder as you get older and after lockdown i'll just need to throw myself into clubs etc.

I've muted and archived the whatsapp group as I was sick of it being me all the time.

None of my friends initiate.
When we get together it's great but it's always me who starts the arrangements.
I feel sad about it but decided that I'd rather have some flaky friends than none at all.

Yup this is a gripe of mine too. I actually had an eye opener a couple of weeks ago when I was complaining to my mum about this/how no-one ever asks how I am, and my mum said some people don’t like being asked how they are so assume others are the same. Apparently ‘how are you’ can be quite a loaded question, according to my further research. So, I dunno.

I know my best/oldest friend thinks she always gets in touch first but it’s there in black and white that she doesn’t.

FIL told DH that he (husband) never gets in touch with him (FIL). DH sent screenshots of him getting in touch first, in fact almost every conversation was initiated by DH. FIL didn’t respond to those screenshots, classic!

People just don’t see it I think!

KrisKringlesLeftNostril
I am one of the people who never initiate; it's because I have anxiety and don't want to look pushy/clingy!
Me too - I worry that people will think I am one of ‘those’ friends - but my anxiety about calling people is worse.

See, I have anxiety too but I want people to talk to and not get even more cut off and in my own head. In real life people tend to be quite open about mental health, I’ve had some very open chats particularly this year. Maybe WhatsApp is not the platform for proper conversations!

I'm that friend, and it's because I don't think anyone likes me. Please be kind.

Are they friends with each other separately. If they meet up without you thats one thing. But if the friendship group is full of distant people then there's no momentum anymore. Do they respond individually with more enthusiasm.?

sparkling and whitechoc thanks. Means a lot. It was an incredibly shit time as it all happened in a week.
Ironic thing is said friend is now in the process of divorce herself. Her dh initiated it. 10.5hrs I listened to her talk about it and had loads of long texts and phone calls. But. I listen because I care. Not once has she asked if I'm ok or have I settled into my new house. Not once. I'm just a selfless mug.

Maybe you’re the one holding the group together OP? I’d keep the group going but mentally step away, put them in the acquaintances box. Enjoy the odd meet up on your terms but expect nothing more of them. Remember the less time spent on them frees up time and headspace for new people and hobbies.

I have family that do this....it makes me so miserable....

My mum never initiates contact . I have pointed this out to her but she still doesn't . I've given up because I miss her and we always have a nice time. 7 months with no contact before I gave in and messaged her. She only lives 7 miles away . It's nice to hear some perspective from others who don't initiate contact either and their reasons, perhaps my mum is anxious 🤷‍♀️

It might help you to start introducing some boundaries with her, @TwoHoots74. Listening to her endlessly and getting nothing back will continue to impact your self-esteem negatively.

That’s so sad, @fabtasticmrpox. Have you ever asked her why?

Who else are they seeing though and meeting?

I find this bizarre. I have friends who do it too.

I have one where if I leave it, she really does contact me and arrange to meet me. But she is quite judgmental

@Merryoldgoat

I had a friend I really liked but realised she ne er initiated contact.

I decided not to contact her until she contacted me.

It’s been 6 years. Still waiting.

I’ve had this experience far too many times too

I could of written this, I have similar with a few friends. I've actually stepped back and stopped initiating contact, asking how they are etc as when I read back through our messagers it was all her talking about her self with little concern for me and my life. It was making me resentful so I stepped back. Especially as she can be very demonstrative of "what good friends we are" on SM but rarely contacts me unless she needs something in RL.

It's hard, but I think it does become habit sometimes. Step back and look after yourself.

They are used to you initiating, maybe they got bit lazy knowing you will do it ?
Either accept your role as an initialiser or ask others to be more proactive

@SparklingLime

That’s so sad, *@fabtasticmrpox*. Have you ever asked her why?

I've tried but she just gets very defensive. She's the same with my sister who just accepts that's the way she is and is not bothered.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I have lost touch with people because I got tired of being the one who initiated the contact all the time. One, if I contacted her, the immediate reply would be 'long time, no hear' type of thing.
I eventually pointed out that she was free to make contact with me, any time i.e it didn't HAVE to always be my doing.

I have been very disappointed by one friend, whom I considered a very close friend, who made no effort whatsoever during a recent difficult time.
We have half hearted plans to meet when lockdown is over and when such meeting is possible. But unless I organise it, book a table and whatever, it won't happen. And I'm not sure I even want to, anymore.

YANBU, OP.

I think I'm one of those people but it's not intentional and it's certainly not because I don't care about my friends.

Your post has really made me think. For me, I don't like being the centre of attention so to pop up in a group chat and draw attention to myself is uncomfortable, although I'm happy to join in if someone else initiates. I'm also great at in-depth conversations but terrible at small talk, which is what those group chats feel like to me. And I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say and feel like I'm bragging if I'm sharing good news about myself (this is all in my head!). I've got to say, I feel the same when meeting up in person as a group too - always prefer just meeting one or two other people, and it's not because I don't love my friends! I live away from my main group of school friends and know they have an alternative chat group just for them, but that makes sense as I don't really need to know if they're meeting for a coffee (in non-covid times!) that I wouldn't be able to go to anyway - I'm sure they chat more in that group but that's fine with me for the reasons above, and we always meet up when I'm back.

I much prefer phone calls for a proper catch up and have never been a fan of texting. If I'm honest, I'm pretty bad at initiating chats via text one-to-one too but I'll regularly try and call.

I'm lucky in that I don't need too much contact with friends and mostly have friendships where we can pick straight back up after weeks/months/years of not being in touch. I do acknowledge that there are also times where I wish I made more effort - it's my resolution every new year!

Friendships are weird things and I really believe that some are not meant to be forever but are just because they work at that point in time. It's sad to let them go but I know in my gut that's it's usually the right thing.

I'm not saying this is the case with your group but offering my perspective (and making a mental note to be better!). I hope you find your people who value you

My dad is like this which makes me sad, if I don’t message him he will literally not get in contact and it could be months. He used to come visit me and my kids every Friday evening and then take his mum some tea, since the day she passed away he has never once come down again to visit me 🤷🏻‍♀️ We get along well and since creating a family WhatsApp do have a bit more contact but it makes me sad that he has no relationship with his grandchildren, might see them once a year for a quick 30 minutes to drop them a Christmas present off. I have a brother and sister and I find he makes more effort with them, as will make plans to meet up on a Saturday when his football team is playing as will see then before the match but I work Saturdays so can’t do that. I am lucky to have a great mum and in laws who we see every week, except during lockdown and have a great relationship with

I'm someone who also makes a lot of effort to initiate conversation. Over the years, I have weeded out those who take a while to miss me, and those who cba to say hi first. Its got me to a place where everyone I keep in touch with now are mutual when it comes to conversation initiation.

If someone doesn't ever initiate conversation, I take it personally... Have they not missed me? Do they not value the friendship as much as me? It's always ironic when someone is very busy to meet up, but can apparently see their boyfriend every single day for months on end. 🙄

The effort with friendship is shown pretty obviously when I have birthdays and I see so many people who I love come to celebrate with me. Because I kept in touch with all of them, and they do appreciate it. And then on their birthday, they either don't have a celebration, or they pull the old "well, at least my real friends are here". And I'm thinking... Well if you initiated conversation more, people will actually feel like you care about them and you might have more friends....

Frankly, if people don't contact you, then they're not that fussed. I'm the same, I only contact the people I'm REALLY bothered about

Literally Sunday I asked a friend if he was free this week, he's not read the message (on purpose i'm guessing) and is still posting online.
Do these people really think I am that stupid that i'll believe they suddenly 'forgot' they were having a conversation with me, or didn't 'see' my message ?
It's an insult really.

@Whitechocolatemarshmallow

Literally Sunday I asked a friend if he was free this week, he's not read the message (on purpose i'm guessing) and is still posting online. Do these people really think I am that stupid that i'll believe they suddenly 'forgot' they were having a conversation with me, or didn't 'see' my message ? It's an insult really.

Do you work OP?

If someone was upset with me for missing a message or forgetting to reply after the hell I've had this week at work and the stress then they're not someone I want as a friend

Yup - the same thing happened with my "best" friend.

We were friends for nearly 22 years and it was always me who initiated meet ups.

i didn't really mind that much because I really enjoyed her company when we did meet.

Went through break ups etc - was always there for her.

About 9 years ago a load of things happened to me all at once:

My Dad had cancer
i was put up for redundancy at work - twice
My daughter who i worked with was made redundant
My sinblings business was burnt to the ground in an arson attack
My niece got pregnant at 14
My only child was diagnosed with a terrible degenerative disease which would leave her in a wheelchair within 10 years (it has)
Then a kitten that we had got for my child to cheer them up was accidentally killed - really tragic.

I picked up the phone and poured it all out to my friend.

She did listend then she said "I've got to go because I'm doing lunch for my family - I'll call you back"

9 years and I'm still waiting!

@Merryoldgoat

I had a friend I really liked but realised she ne er initiated contact.

I decided not to contact her until she contacted me.

It’s been 6 years. Still waiting.

I wonder if we had the same friend. I also stopped bothering, to see how long it would take her.

6 years here too.