Family spat over doctor childcare

[TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild]

NC as outing. One of my extended family members has kicked up a fuss on social media implying I am endangering the country and our mutual elderly relatives such as my grandparents. They say my parents should stay at home and not visit our home regardless of the reason.

I am a doctor working in geriatrics. I treat some covid patients. I have an 8 month old baby who is breastfed, I express with portable breast pumps at work. My husband works mostly from home but regularly needs to take long business day trips to rural areas. He is our main source of income, and self-employed. We could not afford to live in our house on my salary alone. I believe it is my duty to work as a doctor during the pandemic despite my young baby.

My parents live 3 hours away from our house. Every 2 weeks one or both of them will stay for a few nights to look after baby DC. It would not be possible for them to take her away to their house for days at a time. They are fit and healthy, early 60's, and were aware of the risks to themselves before they offered to help look after DC. We consider ourselves a bubble as they do not visit anyone else in the family or socialise in person any way, and abide rigidly by the covid guidelines. We believe nursery would put a greater number of people at risk of contact with me, and for various options have opted for this method of childcare.

The government guidelines I believe to be on my side, that I may use any childcare I choose that enables me as a doctor to get to work.

It has really upset me that I am working so hard whilst trying to care for my baby to hear these accusations. I believe we are doing the right thing but I would like to know from the hive mind of mumsnet:

AIBU??

You are an extremely admirable person its ashame some people don't realise what a treasure you are to society.

@TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild

Thanks all for the support! I don't want to get into a social media argument with them (cringe), or even a private argument (probably pointless) I am just going to completely ignore the post, but venting on mumsnet and some mumsnet team backup has helped me feel better about it all! Thank you!

So you will continue to follow them on social media? Why are people so passive on MN?

I'm also a doctor who needs my DM to help childcare. I've managed to juggle shifts to mean we don't need then until at least mid-December for now. There is so much covid in the hospital right now that I can't face asking or allowing my mum into my home.
However, this is a luxury I have due to being bank staff. If I were on a training rota I would almost definitely not be managing without DM help.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong, it's an impossible situation with no ideal outcome. If you're all adults and you've discussed the risks and you're happy to do it then go ahead, it's within the guidelines.

Hi op. I'm a doctor who also worked on the coronavirus wards, during the first wave, and had used my parents for childcare.

I stopped using them due to the risk to them, which was fortunate as we all caught the virus, as a family. Now that we have had it, and case incidence is lower, my parents are happy to act as childcare again.

Your situation sounds really tough in you and your husband, and not really sustainable. Can you get formal childcare in? If you are worried about the exposure at nursery, then would a nanny work for you?

Using your parents for childcare is entirely reasonable, if they are happy to help and cognisant of the risks. It does sound like you need more childcare then you currently have though. In many areas, the case incidence is low currently, though you haven't said where you are.

Have you enrolled in the siren study? This could help provide reassurance.

Don't worry, heated discussions and judging happening everywhere. It's just because there are no right answers at the moment. However you have made a plan with your bubble and are doing essential work which is to be applauded (and gparents doing a sterling job too). Ignore.

[quote TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild]@RuggerHug no this person has grown up children. But did say they were doing their bit to protect the country by not seeing their children/grandchildren.

I know I shouldn't be bothered by it but I just am. It feels like such a slap in the face. DH and I are trying so hard to be good parents, and to do the right thing in this god awful situation (for everyone), and I could have taken much longer maternity leave but decided to work because I feel I had a duty to.

We're just as knackered as all the other parents of babies this age, and with this criticism it just really got to me.[/quote]
I bet the grownup children don't want to see this relative and are using covid as a handy excuse. They're taking out their frustrations on you, because not only you still engage with your parents,they get to see you and the baby, days at a time too!

@Witchend no this is not about money.

I am not claiming poverty; my statement that my job does not make enough money to singularly finance the house/car/pets etc was for anyone who might have suggested DH could stop work temporarily to care for DC.

Is the grown up relative your sibling?
Could it be they are worried about you catching virus and passing it on to your parents? Do they think your parents feel obliged to help?
If that is the case a proper adult conversation should have taken place.

My sister is a hospital consultant, has school age kids. My parents look after her kids weekly. She caught covid recently (low covid area), we were all worried about my parents (dad over 70). Thankfully they didn’t get it. It is a worry and some people are not good at expressing this worry for fear of being labelled selfish.

You are doing the right thing. We are doing something similar- I work in a Covid hot clinic, sometimes my parents cover our childcare when we can’t manage it. We all think it’s making the best of an almost impossible situation and my parents are comfortable doing it. We only do it when we have to and it seems more sensible than using a big mixed childcare facility with kids from many households. I’ve no idea what the rest of our family think but if they can think of a better solution they are welcome to suggest it. You are not doing anything wrong don’t let anyone tell you that you are x

Sorry I am in a similar boat and I think you and I ABU, I know my DSis is concerned and I don’t blame her.
I know I am not putting my DParents first and I feel very guilty, I just don’t know what the answer is.
But objectively yes, we are both putting our parents in harms way because they are not our main priority, it’s hard to take but it is the truth.

@Witchend it isn't about money though. It's about flexibility of child care, even the nursery at my hospital is only open until 7pm and opens at 7am. No good if I'm on shift at 6am. Or doing a 24hour shift. Even a nanny, unless you have 2 and pay them ££££ is not going to be any good if both parents work unpredictable hours. Grandparents are a godsend in such circumstances. Not in replacement of paid child care, but in supplementation to it. Otherwise you get a trailing (and often begrudging) spouse who is forced to put their career on the back burner. Thankfully my DH has a flexible job and can work around me but we still chose a school with excellent as hoc wrap around care to take some pressure off. We don't have relatives near by or who would be able to support, but if others do, and who want to support (or who will be paid to support) why shouldn't they?