Family spat over doctor childcare

[TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild]

NC as outing. One of my extended family members has kicked up a fuss on social media implying I am endangering the country and our mutual elderly relatives such as my grandparents. They say my parents should stay at home and not visit our home regardless of the reason.

I am a doctor working in geriatrics. I treat some covid patients. I have an 8 month old baby who is breastfed, I express with portable breast pumps at work. My husband works mostly from home but regularly needs to take long business day trips to rural areas. He is our main source of income, and self-employed. We could not afford to live in our house on my salary alone. I believe it is my duty to work as a doctor during the pandemic despite my young baby.

My parents live 3 hours away from our house. Every 2 weeks one or both of them will stay for a few nights to look after baby DC. It would not be possible for them to take her away to their house for days at a time. They are fit and healthy, early 60's, and were aware of the risks to themselves before they offered to help look after DC. We consider ourselves a bubble as they do not visit anyone else in the family or socialise in person any way, and abide rigidly by the covid guidelines. We believe nursery would put a greater number of people at risk of contact with me, and for various options have opted for this method of childcare.

The government guidelines I believe to be on my side, that I may use any childcare I choose that enables me as a doctor to get to work.

It has really upset me that I am working so hard whilst trying to care for my baby to hear these accusations. I believe we are doing the right thing but I would like to know from the hive mind of mumsnet:

AIBU??

Put onsocial media the link to the legislation
www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/1200/contents/made
or to the wiki
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Health_Protection_(Coronavirus,Restrictions)(England)_(No._4)_Regulations_2020

Then put:
Linked childcare household

13.—(1) For the purposes of these Regulations, a “linked childcare household” means a household that is linked with another household for the purposes of informal childcare in accordance with this regulation.

(2) Where a household includes at least one child aged 13 or under (“the first household”), that household may link with one other household (“the second household”) for the purpose of the second household providing informal childcare to the child aged 13 or under in the first household if—

(a)neither the first household nor the second household are linked with any other household for that purpose in accordance with this regulation, and

(b)all the adult members of both households agree.

(3) The first household and the second household are “linked childcare households” in relation to each other.

(4) The first household and the second household cease to be linked childcare households when neither household includes a child aged 13 or under.

(5) Once the first household and the second household cease to be linked childcare households, neither household may be a linked childcare household with any other household.

or the simple version from the wiki
Section 13 of the The Health Protection Act (Coronavirus Restrictions) (England) No4 :
A household with at least one child aged 13 or under can link with another household who will be providing informal childcare. In order to link, all adults in both households have to agree. Each household is allowed a single linked childcare household only, which cannot be changed; multiple links are not permitted.

And then leave a question. 'Which rule exactly I am supposed to be breaking, just so we can be clear about this?'

And then
'Of course, if anyone would like to pay me or my husband in full PLUS a bonus for lost time in our careers so we can provide our own childcare, then we are open to reasonable negogitions.'

Sit back and everytime they kick up a fuss, just say 'Section 13 Linked Childcare Exemption' in a bored voice.

They can have a hissy fit on their own terms then.

I'm a real stickler for the rules, honestly I am. Annoyingly so. But you aren't breaking any rules. You can specifically form a 'childcare bubble' under current rules, which does not have the 'single person/parent' clause that a 'normal' bubble does.

Ignore them! They don't know what they are talking about and anyway it is none of their business. You carry on as you are, you have to do what you have to do.

In future, don't let people know your arrangements. Social media is vile sometimes.

Good luck and thanks to you.

You need to grow a thicker skin, OP. In an ideal world, people would be glad and grateful that you have sacrificed maternity leave to look after the elderly, but there is a lot of stupidity and ingratitude around.

I’m in hospital. ALOT. I’ve been in for months during the pandemic.

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if a doctor told me their parents look after their child when at work (not that they’d tell me!).

Just thought from a patient point of view

I hate Facebook. I don’t have it. I’m so glad as I’m always seeing people post about it.

Good luck OP

@Respectabitch

Just adding to the "YANBU, tell your interfering judgy family member to go and swivel, and btw thanks for being part of our pressured essential medical staff" chorus.

This.

Thank you so much for the work you're doing.

I agree with a PP, they're jealous of what they see as "special privileges" for you (ie the joy working in a Covid ward instead of being home with your children).

They're probably the same people who complain that wheelchair users get "special privileges" like lifts and parking spaces...

I would have to respond with “go and f***g educate yourself on the rules and then come back and have an adult conversation with me”

You are not breaking any rules as you have made a childcare bubble.
You are actively reducing risk of infection significantly by not using a nursery for childcare (so as not to offend anyone, nursery is not an irresponsible option, I am a childcarer myself!)
Your parents are fit and healthy, in their early 60s - there are many registered and informal childcarers of this age who have continued to work through the pandemic.
You are not endangering the country, considering your job the irony is astounding! The country is very grateful!
You are not endangering your elderly relatives such as your grandparents because neither your household or your parents visit them at the moment.

We pick up grand children from school when the parents need us to. Take them home, feed and play with them. Never felt in any danger I know their parents are responsible.

and if they need medical treatment of any kind and all the doctors were home protecting their rellies what would they say then?

you cant educate idiots.

@HaggieMaggie exactly!!!

Have to wonder if this relative would actually like your parents to be doing something else. Perhaps something that would benefit the relative...

It's up to your parents if they take the risk, although I take it from your initial post they are seeing your grandparents? If so I don't think that's a good idea at all.

As you say, you are around Covid patients, your parents are early 60's and fit (plus happy with the risks posed) but passing on that risk to the elderly isn't really fair, is it?

They sound jealous, maybe if the childcare or maybe of the work you do. I think it’s amazing you’ve come back early, especially with a breastfed baby and in time for winter in geriatrics! I’m a GP trainee and my Mum has suggested that she take DD16m as it’s probably safer on the whole than nursery. There isn’t a perfect solution but your relative is well out of order suggesting you pose a danger when you’re actually out at work literally saving everyone else’s grandparents! I hope the rest of your family is sensible and supportive.

I think this is really hard. You totally can use them for childcare and it’s between them and you.

I work in a hospital and it’s pretty bad right now. I won’t even meet my dm outside as I know that I’m a risk to her 1. Due to my job at the hospital (so many staff outbreaks despite ppe) 2. My eldest dd is in a year group bubble of 200. For me the risk is too high but if I had a baby and needed help then I’d have to reassess in those circumstances. I can understand a relative being worried and I think this comes across in different ways. Everyone is coping differently so I don’t think they’re wrong to worry.

I’m nearly 64 and I look after my grandchildren while my daughter in law works.

My son is a key worker so he has to go into peoples houses.

My husband has had cancer so a lower immune system, has asthma, high blood pressure, has had pneumonia and has an irregular heart beat.

He’s happy for me to look after our grandchildren despite the limited risk to him, through my son and daughter in law working with the public.

You have to do whatever is the best thing for you and your family. I’m sure that your parents have weighed up the risks to them and are more than happy to look after their grandchild.

You're looking after geriatric patients during a pandemic and a small baby? Sounds like you deserve a payrise, not a facebook shaming.

Was this one of your siblings doing the accusing?

Anyways, surely as a medical doctor you're better placed to assess the risk than any of us great unwashed on here?

It's ridiculous.

I know several of my colleagues (doctors, nurses, hospital based staff) who relied on family to do childcare in Lockdown 1. It was not within the rules then (it is now) but what was the alternative? Most of my doctor colleagues have doctor spouses and so we'd have cut our workforce by 25% at least if one parent had remained home all the time.

@ktp100

It's up to your parents if they take the risk, although I take it from your initial post they are seeing your grandparents? If so I don't think that's a good idea at all.

As you say, you are around Covid patients, your parents are early 60's and fit (plus happy with the risks posed) but passing on that risk to the elderly isn't really fair, is it?

OP did say that neither she nor her parents are seeing her grandparents, and the relative kicking off just objects because (they think) they're raising the entire population transmission risk of Covid and thus indirectly endangering the grandparents. Or something.

It's fine as you have a childcare bubble. I'm having to rely on a the parent of another child in my daughter's class once or twice a week. My daughter now finishes school at 3pm , my school finishes much later and after school club not an option.

I'm wondering if there's more to it here.

You're a doctor, your dh is the major wage earner. You must be on a very good salary between you. So you must be able to afford child care.

I'm just wondering if you're a little inclined to claim povertyin front of (I assume) siblings?
Don't get me wrong, I think grandparent care would be much better for an 8 month old, and I would choose it in a flash.
But if you've been saying things like "we couldn't afford childcare" to someone who is on considerably less than you and paid childcare they might feel a little bit put out.

I've a sibling who's a doctor and I've had two or three conversations where they have given an example of how poor they are, which I have just laughed at them.
I think the most memorable was the time they told me they were really struggling to manage to save X amount each month for their house deposit.
X amount was half as much again as my and dh's joint salary.
I laughed, pointed it out, and we moved on, but if I had already felt sore about it, it could have been a point I snapped.

YANBU although it might be better for you to consider another person for childcare. Perhaps a friend (younger) who is already at home with a child?

My husband is a medic treating Covid patients, it’s lucky I have flexibility as there’s no way we could have done it with hired childcare. I’ve had to rely on my parents to work as I’ve had to basically count my husband out of any parental duties.

I know what you medics are going through and to see this from a relative is a real slap in the face. I know that if any of our family said anything I would literally tell them to fuck right off. Ignorant bastards.

YANBU at all. I'm a doctor with a little one too and my family have done the same for us - again following all the rules.

There was some weird family awkwardness at the start of the pandemic with a cousin going all out complaining how lucky I was still getting to leave the house to go to work and see other people! I wonder if there are some similar misplaced emotions from your family member. From the outside it looks like our lives have changed less - we still go to work, haven't faced furlough etc.

I'm guessing you're not a consultant the way you describe shift work. Of course this leaves you with even fewer choices about where / how much you work.

PS cudos for finding the time to express milk as well! I found that the hardest bit of going back to work when mine was 9 months. You're doing fab