Family spat over doctor childcare

[TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild]

NC as outing. One of my extended family members has kicked up a fuss on social media implying I am endangering the country and our mutual elderly relatives such as my grandparents. They say my parents should stay at home and not visit our home regardless of the reason.

I am a doctor working in geriatrics. I treat some covid patients. I have an 8 month old baby who is breastfed, I express with portable breast pumps at work. My husband works mostly from home but regularly needs to take long business day trips to rural areas. He is our main source of income, and self-employed. We could not afford to live in our house on my salary alone. I believe it is my duty to work as a doctor during the pandemic despite my young baby.

My parents live 3 hours away from our house. Every 2 weeks one or both of them will stay for a few nights to look after baby DC. It would not be possible for them to take her away to their house for days at a time. They are fit and healthy, early 60's, and were aware of the risks to themselves before they offered to help look after DC. We consider ourselves a bubble as they do not visit anyone else in the family or socialise in person any way, and abide rigidly by the covid guidelines. We believe nursery would put a greater number of people at risk of contact with me, and for various options have opted for this method of childcare.

The government guidelines I believe to be on my side, that I may use any childcare I choose that enables me as a doctor to get to work.

It has really upset me that I am working so hard whilst trying to care for my baby to hear these accusations. I believe we are doing the right thing but I would like to know from the hive mind of mumsnet:

AIBU??

Oh then I'd be tempted to reply in a week or so, saying you only saw it now since you've been busy what with work and the baby. But they seem to have gotten the wrong end of the stick because all the reasons listed above. Ignoring is better though.

Op
Come on... don’t waste your time worrying about this or your precious time on mumsnet even starting a thread when clearly you are not being unreasonable. And surely you must have colleagues in similar positions who can also confirm as such?

For those asking how this would endanger my grandparents, this person thinks anyone breaking the rules indirectly endangers my grandparents by increasing the spread at a wider population level. I do actually agree that as a country we are all resposible for not spreading the virus, but I don't agree that we are breaking the rules simply by having my parents act as our childcare. Neither us or my parents have visited my grandparents in months, because they are vulnerable. This person was making a point about the principle of 'breaking the rules', and I don't belueve we are, due to our specific circumstances.

Presumably your parents are of sound
mind and are capable of weighing up the risks for themselves and making a decision regarding continuing to support you with childcare? Unsure why all the fuss is aimed in your direction (although I’m not because: The Patriarchy) when there are four adults in this situation who I am
sure are perfectly able of coming to a decision for themselves.

“Snout out” would be my response to this extended family member.

Firstly you’re not breaking the rules. Plus you’re a doctor, so they can F off.

I would have some sympathy for them if your parents were very vulnerable and they were genuinely worried about the grandparents being at serious risk. That doesn’t even sound like the situation—sounds like they’re just being assholes, and not very intelligent ones either.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You are keeping to the rules, and being extremely dedicated to the NHS by working with a young baby. Keep up the good work, and thank you

Sounds like a judgy aunt or uncle. They can go whistle as far as I can tell.

OP, you need childcare - your parents provide this. Being in their early 60's, they are able to make these decisions, as to whether they help you in this way. They clearly want to help you. Neither of you are doing anything wrong.

Oh and a huge bloody thank you. NHS staff are brilliant, but especially those who do show such dedication as yourself. I assume you could have just extended your mat leave and not returned? But you have and you should be praised, not criticised by your arsehole of a family member.

It’s not even your specific circumstances OP. There’s a general exception for informal childcare for under 13’s this time.

Oh, god, op, your relative sounds as bonkers as some of mine, one of whom told me in the summer that by letting my 5 year old play on the swings and climbing frame in our local park, I was endangering his (the relative's) life. Despite the fact we are hundreds of miles away and said relative has not left the house for anything other than a flu jab since the pandemic became news.

You aren't breaking rules, alternative childcare arrangements such as nursery or cm would probably increase rather than reduce risks, and your relative sounds like a drama llama.

Jealousy? I expect they think your job is giving your special privileges which they aren't getting.

Either ignore ( I couldn't!) or put them very firmly in their place.

@TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild

For those asking how this would endanger my grandparents, this person thinks anyone breaking the rules indirectly endangers my grandparents by increasing the spread at a wider population level. I do actually agree that as a country we are all resposible for not spreading the virus, but I don't agree that we are breaking the rules simply by having my parents act as our childcare. Neither us or my parents have visited my grandparents in months, because they are vulnerable. This person was making a point about the principle of 'breaking the rules', and I don't belueve we are, due to our specific circumstances.

This clarification is helpful. From what I can tell, you aren't breaking any rules as you are allowed a childcare support bubble with one other consistently the same household.

YANBU, your relative is being very unfair. Ignore them.

Also am i the only one who originally read this as “family spat over doctor”, as in spittle?

Oh I think I’d have to reply:

I am not directly endangering our grandparents as we do not see them.

I am following government guidelines in terms of a childcare bubble.

I realise you think you have the moral high ground in policing people not to be “granny killers” but I’m fairly sure me not providing medical support to OTHER PEOPLES COVID POSITIVE grandparents would make me more of a granny killer right?

This fear factor snitch on your neighbour bullshit has been manna from heaven for some people who like to feel superior and lack common sense.

You are amazing, seriously fuck that shit from them.

Presumably no one is dragging your parents to your house at gun-point.
Tell family member to fuck off.

Tell the relative to kindly fuck off, very far away and stay there.

I think this sounds like a very sensible arrangement @TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild! You are minimising contacts form what you would be "allowed" by sending your child to nursery. Id be congratulating you and DH for doing this as significant detriment to yourselves (My dc are older, but I was doing the 5am start to get a few hours in before they got up from March to September. It is exhausting!).

Thanks all for the support! I don't want to get into a social media argument with them (cringe), or even a private argument (probably pointless) I am just going to completely ignore the post, but venting on mumsnet and some mumsnet team backup has helped me feel better about it all! Thank you!

I don't know a single other doctor/HCW with young kids and a working partner who hasn't formed a childcare bubble. Nurseries only keep office hours and our shifts don't. The pandemic doesn't work mon/fri 9-5.

Also grandparents aren't being forced into childcare bubbles. Its often the only way they can legally see their grandchildren anyway

@TheLiarTheWitchAndTheLovechild

For those asking how this would endanger my grandparents, this person thinks anyone breaking the rules indirectly endangers my grandparents by increasing the spread at a wider population level. I do actually agree that as a country we are all resposible for not spreading the virus, but I don't agree that we are breaking the rules simply by having my parents act as our childcare. Neither us or my parents have visited my grandparents in months, because they are vulnerable. This person was making a point about the principle of 'breaking the rules', and I don't belueve we are, due to our specific circumstances.

So crack on then.

There's no point in getting het up about what others choose to think.

Block and ignore. You can’t argue with stupid. Plus you’re too busy with a small child and demanding job. Ignore their nonsense and you do well not to feed into it (they sound very annoying!)

But you’re well within the law and guidelines. And anyway, what are your alternatives?

1. Not work at all - in which case the NHS would be a doctor down when doctors are desperately needed.
2. Put your baby in nursery/other formal childcare in which case she would probably come into contact with more people* - and I imagine standard childcare hours may not work with your shifts anyway.

And I hope you have decent PPE now when dealing with Covid patients, so the risk of you bringing it home is hopefully fairly small?

(*I should be clear that I’m not judging people who do use nursery - my son goes to nursery - I’m just saying it’s probably not a preferable option in terms of the potential for Covid spread).

I back you entirely; our family group (doctor, grandkids, fit old fogies) has a very similar arrangement.

My view is that your parents are adults and able to make an informed choice about whether they wish to accept the risk or not. You are all acting within the law, so it's nobody else's business.

Just adding to the "YANBU, tell your interfering judgy family member to go and swivel, and btw thanks for being part of our pressured essential medical staff" chorus.

Honestly, why would you give a shit what she says?!