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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be devastated

60 replies

FabulousCandelabra · 15/11/2020 01:02

My child's friend's mum has passed away and I just feel so devastated for the family. We didn't have much time to become close friends but she was one of the bubbliest and lovliest people I have met in my life. My heart goes out to her young children, husband and her family. WIBU to send meals/toys for kids/anything else? I am trying to think of ways I could help but not sure if this is appropriate? any advice? thanks x

OP posts:

CoRhona · 15/11/2020 01:05

I would say if you knew her and her family well then yes, but if just as acquaintances then a card and maybe some flowers?

Weenurse · 15/11/2020 01:08

A meal and a card would be very thoughtful.
Freezer appropriate meal so it can be utilised as needed

Original poster

FabulousCandelabra · 15/11/2020 01:26

@CoRhona

I would say if you knew her and her family well then yes, but if just as acquaintances then a card and maybe some flowers?

Thanks for your response, I am more of an acquaintances I would say - we used to chat every day during drop off/pick up but then I changed my child's school after the lockdown. They said no flowers so I have donated to the chosen charity but I still feel I could do more (but just not sure what is appropriate in this situation)

OP posts:

CoRhona · 15/11/2020 01:36

I would write, saying how much you enjoyed talking to her, how much she obviously loved her family, etc.

I remember going to the funeral of one of my son's classmate's mums when the children were about 9yo. It was heartbreaking. (That was about ten years ago now, her son has grown into a lovely young man and her husband has now remarried.)

FagashJackie · 15/11/2020 01:49

I think it would be nice to offer your condolences, I don't know what you can do but a takeaway, or an offer of cleaning might be welcome.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/11/2020 01:51

Send a note to the widow explaining who you are, and ask if there's anything you can do to help?

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 15/11/2020 01:55

If you're going to send a note, try not to just send a generic "sorry for your loss" message. Send a note with a small anecdote about her, like how you enjoyed your chats at the school and how she brightened up mornings with her bubbliness, maybe mention the friendship between your children. When you lose someone, it's always nice to hear the good things other people remember about them, and send a family friendly meal which will be easy to heat up. If you want too.

echt · 15/11/2020 02:16

What Wherever said.

A short letter. It will be treasured, I assure you. The meal is good. Soup. Soup is good.

I know all of this after bereavement.

You sound like such a kind person.

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/11/2020 02:17

I think as this is your child’s friend’s mum, all that’s appropriate is maybe offer to have the child over on a playdate. You didn’t really know her properly and her partner might not appreciate the intrusion

WattleOn · 15/11/2020 02:18

Send a card, just as *WhereverIGoddamnLike’ suggested. Those little anecdotes mean so much more than a ‘sorry for your loss’.

Homemade freezer food is good.

I’d also suggest (if you are willing) offering to babysit or organizing play dates with no expectation of reciprocity to help the family out at this time. School runs might be helpful as well but probably very impractical now your kids are at different schools.

IHateCoronavirus · 15/11/2020 02:28

How old are the children I guess that makes a difference? Maybe a build a bear voucher within a card. The card could have a memory you have about their mum, and an instruction to make a mum memory bear. They could each pop some memories about their mum in the bear before they stuff it (little trinkets, like a button from her favourite top etc, pictures they’ve drawn or notes. A bit of cloth with her perfume on) then it will be a physical thing of their mother’s or at least representing their mother to hug.

But yes food is always good, cooking can seem a mammoth task during grief and sometimes as an adult continuing to eat can feel like a betrayal.

FourPillars · 15/11/2020 02:32

A distant acquaintance cooked an extra few meals, froze them and brought them over when I was very ill. His thoughtfulness will never be forgotten by my DH and DD, perhaps you could do the same?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/11/2020 02:36

I agree that a note with some lovely recollection you have of her would be treasured, and an offer to look after your child's friend (with siblings if you can, but even without it would be helpful) any time needed that you can manage. I can imagine there will be times when her husband would dearly love a bit of space and quiet, so any help in that respect would likely be very much appreciated, and at least the friend would know you, even if the husband doesn't.

Food is a good call BUT sometimes families can get overwhelmed with food offerings and run out of freezer/fridge space, so maybe save that one for a bit later, after the funeral perhaps, when the immediate response seems to have died down (it nearly always does).
Or buy something that is easy to make but doesn't require freezer/fridge space - something like a Fray Bentos pie in a tin can be a useful emergency back up (if you can still get them! my mum always used to give me one when I was a student)

So sad for them all

katy1213 · 15/11/2020 03:17

As others have said, a nice personal note.
I'm not sure that they'll want food offerings, especially at the moment. A recently bereaved friend was inundated with well-meant casseroles they didn't really want. Maybe leave it a few weeks and if the child comes on a playdate, you could send them home with a homemade cake or a batch of biscuits.

DaddysGirlForLife · 15/11/2020 03:22

This is so sad. I'm so sorry. Truly devastating.

I agree with @WhereverIGoddamnLike
A nice letter would be so appreciated.

mathanxiety · 15/11/2020 03:44

I would definitely send a few meals that could be frozen, along with a card, and a sincere offer to have the child over to play. Include your contact details in the card.

Sometimes people shun the bereaved because they themselves feel awkward and it's easier to keep away. Don't assume that lots of people are queueing up to help and support this family.

For children especially it feels very good indeed to know that people care and can make time for them. Playing with your child might make it possible for this child to understand that others care, if you can arrange it.

SandAndSea · 15/11/2020 05:43

I would make a dinner, maybe a pasta dish, and take it round. Not having to worry about cooking a meal could really help the family at this time.

milienhaus · 15/11/2020 06:04

How about Cook vouchers or equivalent so that they can get a frozen meal in future if they’re currently overwhelmed with them? An offer to look after the kids sounds good too. I think actually making the offer is the important bit.

Clappingforjoy · 15/11/2020 06:47

Dont send toys and meals that's too full on.
Flowers with a card will suffice

Marnie76 · 15/11/2020 07:02

@milienhaus

The cook vouchers is a great idea. It’s especially difficult at the moment during the pandemic to know what offers of help you will be able to give. Homemade food, cleaning and offers to look after children may not be allowed or wanted but vouchers, food shop drop offs, offers for things you could do outside to would be a good way to help in a practical way. Putting a personal anocdote as suggested is a lovely idea for the family to enjoy her memory too. Sad times.

Waitingforamate · 15/11/2020 07:02

You are so thoughtful and kind. My close friend recently lost their partner. I don’t live close enough to drop in otherwise I would have delivered meals and cleaned their house. Instead I sent a prepaid voucher for them to order food and get it delivered. I didn’t want to burden by sending food if their fridge/freezer was already full. I also keep messaging for them to let me know what’s slipping and I’ll arrange for it to be resolved for them :)
For an acquaintance a voucher for Cook as someone has said would be a lovely idea alongside a note to explain how much you valued their wife/mum.

FippertyGibbett · 15/11/2020 07:04

A card saying how nice the mum was. Hopefully they will keep it and it will be nice for the child to read when they are older.

WotWouldCJDo · 15/11/2020 07:11

Dont send toys and meals that's too full on.
Flowers with a card will suffice

Really? I don’t think flowers is a good idea.

Mamanyt · 15/11/2020 07:17

A freezer-ready family meal would, I am sure, be deeply appreciated. The donation to charity was lovely, but since you feel you need to do a bit more, that would be lovely.

Robs20 · 15/11/2020 07:19

Don’t send flowers - especially as they have said no flowers. And as someone that has suffered an immediate family bereavement, don’t say ‘let us know how we can help’ - they probably don’t know what to ask for.

Freezer meals and offer to help with the school run would be a good idea. A short card/ note to accompany the meals. We were sent meals/ had them left on our doorstep. The flowers that were sent, despite asking for no flowers, were binned. I didn’t want to see them every day and be reminded of what hd happened.

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