To be devastated

[FabulousCandelabra]

My child's friend's mum has passed away and I just feel so devastated for the family. We didn't have much time to become close friends but she was one of the bubbliest and lovliest people I have met in my life. My heart goes out to her young children, husband and her family. WIBU to send meals/toys for kids/anything else? I am trying to think of ways I could help but not sure if this is appropriate? any advice? thanks x

Right now they will likely be getting a lot of help and support.

The key is to be available after much of that support has diluted.

So... in the first instance I would write a card. A really thoughtful one, saying that how you remember her, albeit you didn’t know ever well and saying that you are available for support and you mean it. Provide your number and address. And say whether you can help with school lifts, getting last minute shopping in etc.

Then... in a couple of weeks, write another card. Reiterating your support.

I would take round a kid friendly supper that could be frozen if nec. The stress of getting on with it despite the horrendous loss is so hard.
I lost both parents young and what I remember is the practical help esp when it's done in an unobtrusive way.

Flowers - a stress as needed to find vase. Don’t.

Freezer meals - they will be getting a lot and likely limited freezer space. Don’t immediately. Instead do this after a few weeks when loads of people won’t still be dropping around food etc.

A drawing from your child (if that way inclined) / a poem / a story - to the child may be nice but depends entirely on personality.

In short - don’t do things that you think seem nice. Actually pause, think if the family in question and go from there.

I lost a dear friend. One child.

Any one of my most special memories is having that child on my lap, a couple of day after she had died. He was eating toast and we were watching cbbc.

My two children were next to me. 5 and 3. Usually they would have been bothered that another child was on my lap and I was stroking that child’s head.

But not a word from either of them.

A relative of mine was recently suddenly bereaved, with young children.
They did not want flowers - something that cluttered up the house, was something else to look after, and was a reminder of what happened. Similarly, house plants etc.

Cards with thoughtful letters were fine - for much later. At the time, they were put in a box and not displayed. They were looked at more carefully a few months later.

They wanted and found helpful:
Freezer meals and casseroles.
Someone to offer play dates and fun things for their child to do out of the house.
Someone to help with practical things - paperwork, legal stuff, etc.
Someone to clean the house.

Keep offering help months, a year down the line when the “drama” has eased and the bereaved parent and child may be struggling alone and somewhat forgotten.

A nice card and letter, possibly flowers. I know here it’s a trope to say ‘freezer meals’ - but for me, while understanding it to be well meaning, I would find it a bit odd (and a bit awkward at a difficult time as I don’t have freezer space and don’t like to throw food away - plus I’m bereaved, nor incapacitated).

I think in your thoughtful letter, makes some concrete offers of help - eg am going to Tesco on Tuesday, what can I get you?

Definitely share a lovely memory you have of her because I think that is what I would want to hear and cherish rather than the generic sorry for your loss. That is what I wrote in a card for the husband of a lovely Mum I knew from school.

And yes vouchers to be able to order food in whatever that may be for your area.

That being said I am sorry for your loss

I’m sure a meal would be greatly appreciated. Cooking when you’ve just lost someone is the last thing on peoples minds and if people bring food it really helps!

Card and flowers but if you are only acquaintances please don’t send meals or toys.

My Dad died and neighbours inundated us with dinners. It was truly awful. We had food and the pressure to actually eat the food they had chosen for us was horrible.

What we needed came in the months, years later on. After the funeral. After the constant swarm of well wishers with their dinners went home.
The people inviting us to join them on outings, over for tea, over to the house are the ones I remember ❤️

I'd send a voucher for COOK or something with a card talking about some nice memories, so that they can get some meals when it suits them/it doesn't require any immediate admin of finding space in the freezer etc.

If you really want to help I'd reach out in a few months when other help has ended and offer to do something specific, like take the kids out for an afternoon (give Dad/guardian an afternoon off!) Or something similar.

@LondonlovesLola everyone’s different when mum died we appreciated the food from people we didn’t know that well, there is no hard and fast rule here op so do what you feel is best, the rest is just opinion on personal experiences not what’s right for every situation.

I would send a card with a note in it offering to send food, have the child (plus siblings) over or anything else you can do to help now or in the weeks to come. It is heartbreaking to think a small child has lost her mum, even to strangers so it will
be upsetting to you, give yourself time to process too.

whatson
there is no hard and fast rule here op so do what you feel is best, the rest is just opinion on personal experiences not what’s right for every situation.

You’re right, opinions differ. You liked having meals brought round by people you didn’t know that well, I found it intrusive and an added pressure. Differing opinions based on personal experience and neither one is right.

I would probably ask first in that case OP.

Taking around food is a lovely idea but fraught with difficulties if you don’t know them well. They might be vegetarian or coeliac or keep kosher. A family at our church had some difficulties recently , a rota was organised to drop off meals and the dietary restrictions involved were extensive. Things I would think of as staples (pasta!) would not have been helpful to them.

I agree that a short letter would be the best thing here. Not just a pre printed condolence card but a little note as well saying how you knew the mum and how much you enjoyed talking to her. If you can add a happy memory or anecdote even better. IME letters like that will be kept for a long, long time and can bring a great deal of comfort.

I agree with others about asking what they would like. No one needs a house full of flowers at a time like this or too much food for their freezer. A card with an offer of whatever help they need would be ideal.

Send a card now, in a month or two then offer to help. They will be overwhelmed with offers now but it's amazing how quickly the help dries up and the loneliest times are after the funeral etc is over.

My friend's Mum died when we were in high school. Her Dad coped brilliantly but she missed female company as it was just her Dad and brother's at home. She spent lots of time at our house with my DM and DSis. It was lots of little things rather than one big thing I think so days out with us, an adult female to talk to. We also took her dress shopping for our leavers prom etc. (all agreed with her Dad in advance of course). It could never replace her Mum but hopefully it helped in a small way.

I agree a letter/note is best at this point, with a nice anecdote or two about her. In terms of help, the widow will have a huge amount of stuff to sort out and may need the occasional few hours away from the kids to do it. An offer to look after the child whilst he does that will probably be very much appreciated, so I'd put that in the letter.

I would take an occasional shepherds pie, later on.

When my uncle died, I sent my aunt a letter with memories of Xmas spent together when I was younger, fun things, how much he (& I) loved a desert my mum used to make, how he kept his paper hat on even in the car driving home. How he loved talking with my dad about their childhood pranks.
My aunt, a long time later, sent me a letter saying it was the most genuine "condolences" letter she had had & would keep it.

Another thing that can help is to send drinks (I don't necessarily mean alcohol, a basket of things like lemonade, squash, orange juice) and maybe some cups/glasses as they will have a lot of people dropping in and loads of people will send meals. Which isn't to say meals aren't appreciated. Its just that people tend to forget about drinks. When my dad died my mum couldn't stomach much food but she kept going on energy bars and things.

@FabulousCandelabra
I think all of your suggestions are absolutely lovely and heartfelt.
Don't overthink it, in other words go with your instinct and do what YOU want to do.

Fwiw, in the past I have been so touch by people's kindness (in all sorts of different ways and actions) and have never forgotten it.

I don’t think anyone should assume the widower will have a lot of people dropping in, or that loads of people will send meals.
They could just as easily have no-one dropping in and no-one sending meals, etc. They might have been quite solitary (willingly or unwillingly) with few friends and relatives.

Send cooked food in disposable foil trays so they don't need to wash up. Maybe big lasagnes or moussakas. Something they can freeze if necessary.

I never know what to do in these scenarios, apart from condolences. I usually send food.