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AIBU?

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Responding to WhatsApp messages

92 replies

Indecentobsession · 14/11/2020 15:38

When talking to a friend recently she mentioned her daughter (13) had problems with another girl in her class and that sometimes this came out in the class WhatsApp group chat. She showed me some of the messages which, imo opinion come from someone who considers herself a victim, and likes an argument. There were several times this girl actively initiated goady messages and of course with this age group they were responded to. My friend said sometimes she got so tense she wanted to answer the girl herself. She knows she needs to be the adult and this is a 13 year old girl but I can understand her frustration. It got me wondering if anyone had ever responded to messages sent to their kids? My friend is well aware of what is going on and keeping an eye on it so this isn't about that.

OP posts:
LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 19:20

I'm sure they will make allowances for you and find a way round it so your children don't miss out. Hopefully.
This feels like the equivalent of me 15 years ago with PFB saying I'd never let him have chocolate Grin

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:21

This feels like the equivalent of me 15 years ago with PFB saying I'd never let him have chocolate grin

Well, I do. But I never said I wouldn’t! Grin

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 19:22

That's a very normal policy. No phones at school- remote learning however you will need one or an iPad and would at the very least need it to access the school email and to keep up with assignments at secondary age.

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 19:23

That's why I said it's the equivalent haha

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:24

That's a very normal policy. No phones at school- remote learning however you will need one or an iPad and would at the very least need it to access the school email and to keep up with assignments at secondary age.

Actually, no. They can’t force you to do that. They would have to provide paper copies of required work. BUT I am happily not insane. I have no issue with a school iPad.

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 19:25

Ok 😬

blowinahoolie · 14/11/2020 19:28

DS (13) uses Discord, as WhatsApp is so 2018Hmm

Unfortunately you will struggle to stop kids using this type of service to chat with friends. Often it is encouraged in schools to generate discussion as it's what appeals to the age group as a means of communication. Teachers know this.

blowinahoolie · 14/11/2020 19:32

Sounds like the best option is to ban her from class group chat then. Only reply to friends individually in conversations. Easier to control the situation this way.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 14/11/2020 20:28

@LilacPebbles

You will struggle with that flavia because every school I know provides an iPad for children who don't already have one, for remote learning. Even my youngest had to join a FB during lockdown amongst other apps where children could communicate. I get the feeling your DC is very young.
Interesting.... I don’t know any school that provides iPads! And I WORK school! FB users have to be over 15 and no decent school would encourage underage membership of any social media platform.
churchcoffee · 14/11/2020 20:36

@flaviaritt

And also, although some people suggest that children who are shielded a bit more from social media when they are young never learn to deal with the various forms of conflict that emerge online, I can only point to people like myself (children in the 80s and 90s). We did. I got my first phone when I was 17. I knew when people were being wankers. I know how to ignore people.
My kids have had the type of highly supervised access to apps like this that would have some parents rolling their eyes and calling me controlling. I'm far from relaxed about them using them. But I preferred them to start gradually with things like strictly supervised class WhatsApp groups at 13 and go through from there with supervision and advice from me, than to put it off until it was harder to give them any oversight or advice. Based on the things that have come up over the years, I'm glad I did it that way, as the first time they encountered various things they weren't on their own.

There's more to it than just knowing when people are being wankers now. It's not just learning to deal with conflict. It's managing connections, learning to question why someone may be adding you to a group, learning how to set up privacy and security settings across different apps, learning things like how to spot someone who's pushing too hard for contact, even if there's no conflict. Even little things like choosing appropriately anonymous (or not) usernames for different contexts. It's all sorts of things that could catch someone out if they've never encountered them before.

It can seem easier to deal with these things with a total ban, but just bear in mind there's a window for being able to supervise teens doing anything, and past a certain age you get no chance for any input. Miss that window, and your teen will be doing their diving into online interaction potentially at just the age when they will most want to push you and your annoying parental advice away. So there's something to be said for going for a well supervised and curated introduction to these things from a younger age.

Sometimeswinning · 14/11/2020 20:44

A majority of children in dd's year 6 group use it. I dont think its ideal but as she uses it sensibly I'm not sure what the issue would be. I have access to her phone, which I often check as im nosey! As long as the group is small I'm happy with that.

NannyGythaOgg · 14/11/2020 20:53

I'm 65,My children are adult.

When I was young, not everyone even had access to a home phone much less mobiles or internet. My kids didn't either, although by then everyone had home phones and reps had car phones the size of briefcases.

When I was a kid I obeyed rules I understood and (kind of) agreed with. I worked round those I didn't. My parents never knew. I got into a few dangerous situations but I would never tell my parents, because the result would be restrictions. A man tried to get me into his car at 13. I stood back against the wall away from the car. I stayed polite but wouldn't go closer to the car, eventually he gave up.

I was pretty open with my kids as I knew that forbidding things didn't work. This worked for me, most of the time. I told them why I didn't think they should do things but that in the end I wouldn't physically stop them. Once they got older they told me things I didn't know. They knew my views and, even though I wouldn't forbid, they decided it was better not to tell me.

I grew up safe, so did they, so will most of today's youngsters.

Forbidding things doesn't work in the long run. Sooner or later they are going to have to make their own decisions. Staying open, discussing and educating means they are more likely to make good decisions that work for them. And that you are more likely to be trusted to give them guidance and support.

Clearly this has to be age appropriate - and that isn't a number. Kids mature at different ages.

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 20:55

Bugger maybe you work somewhere where there are no 'under privileged' children. Our schools regularly check with parents whether their children have access to iPads and if they don't, they will arrange for them to have one to use. It's assumed all children will engage with learning apps.
Particularly this year with schools closing (ok not technically), it's been more important than ever for all the children to do their school work remotely and keep in touch with teachers, and each other. My 9 year old and 3 year old (nursery) were asked to join school FB groups for updates and so the youngest could share his work.
I clearly know of no decent schools though, only shit ones Hmm (OFSTED would disagree)

Qqwweerrtty · 14/11/2020 21:31

@arethereanyleftatall

I've a message to all the parents of younger children on this thread saying 'I wouldn't let my 13yo dc on WhatsApp' this is one of those scenarios you don't have a clue about until you're there yourself. A bit like when non parents offer their advice on how to parent.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Grin

I used to think that I would never let my kids eat anything sweet...that didn’t pan out either.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 14/11/2020 22:19

Thing is - the vast majority of secondary schools (both state and private) now run their homework/feedback (student and parental)/sports sign-up/behaviour reports(good & bad!) via smartphone app! And yes, you can be one of those who chooses not to engage but when your kid is constantly having to do the maths lesson online quiz ‘sharing’ the phone of the person next to them it’ll wear thin for them (& their neighbour!) pretty quick!! Most schools have a ‘no phone or use’ policy but do actually expect the kids to have access to them. Not being goady and of course you can refuse to engage as is your right as a parent but I think many may well have to get used to the idea...(and I say this as someone who really dislikes and limits access to phones/screen time as much as I’m capable!)

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 15/11/2020 09:47

Bugger maybe you work somewhere where there are no 'under privileged' children.

The majority of our children are FSM and the lack of access to necessary technology means we have never done online learning during the pandemic......

When I was asked about DSs access to technology I said “out if interest what happens if he doesn’t have a laptop or suchlike?” and was told that those children would be sent written work packs and prepaid return envelopes.

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