Responding to WhatsApp messages

[Indecentobsession]

When talking to a friend recently she mentioned her daughter (13) had problems with another girl in her class and that sometimes this came out in the class WhatsApp group chat. She showed me some of the messages which, imo opinion come from someone who considers herself a victim, and likes an argument. There were several times this girl actively initiated goady messages and of course with this age group they were responded to. My friend said sometimes she got so tense she wanted to answer the girl herself. She knows she needs to be the adult and this is a 13 year old girl but I can understand her frustration. It got me wondering if anyone had ever responded to messages sent to their kids? My friend is well aware of what is going on and keeping an eye on it so this isn't about that.

@flaviaritt
It is (will be) your child and thus entirely your choice.

However, fwiw, here's what my dd (y7 just started new school) uses WhatsApp for...she's currently on a WhatsApp chat with half a dozen (sometime more, sometimes less, they all come and go) friends from school. They chat for about 4 hours a day after school/weekends. Just kids having fun. They get their homework done together. They get their acro mats out and do acro together. In these corona times, it has been absolutely and utterly awesome. A virtual play date. Her group of friends are lovely and they are all thriving at school.
For sure, it could be those negative words listed in your previous post, but for my dd, (I keep an ear out) it's just not.
It's using today's technology to exist happily in today's times.
There is a child in her class who is not allowed WhatsApp, and they are absolutely missing out. The other children in the class are bonding every night, and they are not.

arethereanyleftatall

You see that’s really interesting because I don’t think that sounds healthy or lovely at all. 4 hours a day? Christ on a bike.

We are not there yet as DD is only 5 but I was wondering if parents set up a WhatsApp web to keep an eye on messages on their kids phone if they are very worried about WhatsApp?

I wouldn’t interfere directly but talking to DD
about any social issues that a come up and discussing solutions as you would with any other issues. I just hope when the time comes she feels she can trust and rely on me enough to share any problems. There will probably be a whole new platform by then to worry about!

Flavia its not a social media platform though like many other things 13 years are on.

It is a social media platform.

arethereanyleftatall A handful of friends is very different to a whole year group. The great big group chats have so much more potential for someone to share something unpleasant, or for really nasty bullying.

It is a social media platform

It's a messaging app. It's not a networking platform. You send messages on it. You can do the same using SMS messages, iMessage or even email. There are many more things to be wary of when it comes to teenagers and being online.

I think I missed an important word out of my post. They're on WhatsApp video type calls, so they can see each other, they're chatting not texting.
It isn't a handful of friends, it's the whole class, bar one who's not allowed; they all come in and out of the chat as they're doing other stuff with their families.

I'm interested that you think it's unhealthy @flaviaritt. So, today; it's raining heavily here all day; and it's lockdown, so nothing is open. So, we're all stuck indoors. No friends or other family are allowed in each other's houses. What do you think would be healthier or more lovely for a 12 yr old to do today other than have a virtual play date with her friends?

To those asking about phone controls look at google family link or Qustodio (not sure re spelling of that last one!) - our kids have to request and us approve the installation of any apps (we use family link). HOWEVER, back to the OP - ours have whatsapp as the class chat is on that, but no other social media of any kind. I read through the messages regularly to keep an eye on things....I have just once asked my dd to reply to a message saying ‘hi friend, please don’t send me any more messages like the last ones, thanks.’....I wouldn’t respond on her behalf, if it was that bad I’d screenshot and send it to school!

What do you think would be healthier or more lovely for a 12 yr old to do today other than have a virtual play date with her friends?

I sense you are looking for an argument. I’m not here for that.

Youre not answering the op either flaviaritt, none of your replies so far have added anything of value to the op

If I were your friend I’d be teaching my daughter how to manage her social media, so help her not to rise to the girl sending the messages and help her think about how to move the conversation on. She’ll be dealing with this kind of thing from here on in and having the skills to know when to leave it alone will stand her in good stead.

I wouldn’t reply to the girl in the group - apart from anything else I wouldn’t be wanting to insert myself into a 13 year olds drama and it may make things worse for her daughter. It also models rising to the drama which isn’t helpful.

She might want to think about why she’s getting so wound up about her daughters class group - they’re teenagers finding their way, the drama is all part of it. She’ll have a more beneficial impact if she teaches her daughter how to cope with it.

Youre not answering the op either flaviaritt, none of your replies so far have added anything of value to the op

I disagree. I think my replies suggest that parents shouldn’t have to worry about this at all because it is better if parents make sure it doesn’t happen. The OP can either take that advice or not.

And I am not answering the poster above because she is clearly being antagonistic. I don’t mind what her DD does. I’m just saying what my child will be doing and why.

Nope. I am interested in others opinions, it's what we learn from. You said upthread that WhatsApp videoing with friends all day is not healthy nor lovely. I am, honestly, genuinely, interested in what you think you would do with a 12 year old on a rainy lockdown day that would be healthier or lovelier. I've detailed that they do their homework, exercise and chat on there.

I look forward to your posts in years to come then flaviaritt

I would say to friend that if her DD is being upset by what’s being said to either mute the conversation (although she would still be able to read it) or remove herself from the group.

am, honestly, genuinely, interested in what you think you would do with a 12 year old on a rainy lockdown day that would be healthier or lovelier. I've detailed that they do their homework, exercise and chat on there

Oh okay, sure. Sorry. My view is that today, yes, the weather is shitty. I can think of very healthy (physically/mentally/emotionally) things to do that don’t involve sitting on a phone (baking, reading a book, playing a game, talking to parents). But yes, on a day like entertaining yourself can be tough. But what I actually said was unhealthy (in my opinion) was 4 hours a day after school on their phone. And I appreciate you don’t agree, but that’s where I am on it.

I look forward to your posts in years to come then flaviaritt grin

🤷🏻‍♀️ I managed perfectly well without a phone at 13. I read books. I watched films. I went to the park. I wrote stories. I played netball. I was fine. I don’t want my kid growing up addicted to a screen. We’ll all see if I get what I want.

Thanks again for your replies. My post was curiosity about replies to a goady 13 yo not about whether a 13 yo should have WhatsApp or not. Thank you for sharing your thoughts

Cool. Ironically, one of the things dd has done with all her friends today on WhatsApp video chat is bake a cake. They all baked a Victoria sponge in their individual homes, with their phones propped up in front of them; and then artfully decorated them.

I'm just saying don't stick rigidly to your view that it's 'sitting on a phone' and that's all bad. It isn't.

I'm sorry for the derail op.

True, OP, but sometimes on here when you ask A or B people are going to say C. What can you do?

I'm just saying don't stick rigidly to your view that it's 'sitting on a phone' and that's all bad. It isn't.

Great. I will keep my view, though. Thanks.

I don’t get it. Who set the group up? Is it a group set up by the teacher who added all the pupils in the class, or did the pupils do it themselves?

Weird. I’m in my early 20s so it wasn’t that long since I left school. We didn’t have school authorised WhatsApp groups. Just normal group chats with friends.

Makes me laugh so much when posters with younger children are on their high horse about what they will and won't let their teens do, just like non-parents preaching about what perfect parents they will be. The one of my DDs friends whose parents banned all social media / messaging apps completely instead of monitoring them and teaching her how to use them safety now has NO clue how to conduct herself online and is constantly embarrassing herself, posting inappropriate photos and messages all the time, getting into arguments as she cant understand nuances in texting and she has her full name and school on all her (public) accounts. Completely unsafe and her mum has no idea because there is no trust there and she was far too restrictive so now everything is hidden from her. When she eventually gets herself into trouble she wont go to her mum for help and I find that so sad.

To answer the OP I've sometimes coached my daughter what to reply back, usually in defence of other kids getting picked on where she wants to go in all guns blazing to defend her friends and I've helped her do so in a more tactful/calm way. I also once sent a load of screenshots to another mum when her daughter was being exceptionally nasty but that was in y6 and I wouldnt do it in secondary. Totally understand the temptation though.

Tell her daughter to ignore the person in question when they start. If this is a person who likes to play the victim, she will do her best to collect “evidence” and just get your daughter in trouble. Just be civil as to not fall in the trap of coming across as a bully by always ignoring her.

If I was in your friends position I’d take screen shots and then block the bully girl as you can easily do this on WhatsApp.