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Original poster

Responding to WhatsApp messages

92 replies

Indecentobsession · 14/11/2020 15:38

When talking to a friend recently she mentioned her daughter (13) had problems with another girl in her class and that sometimes this came out in the class WhatsApp group chat. She showed me some of the messages which, imo opinion come from someone who considers herself a victim, and likes an argument. There were several times this girl actively initiated goady messages and of course with this age group they were responded to. My friend said sometimes she got so tense she wanted to answer the girl herself. She knows she needs to be the adult and this is a 13 year old girl but I can understand her frustration. It got me wondering if anyone had ever responded to messages sent to their kids? My friend is well aware of what is going on and keeping an eye on it so this isn't about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indecentobsession · 14/11/2020 18:25

Ok my thoughts are I don't disagree with a 13yo having WhatsApp. In this day and age they need to learn coping strategies about online chats, video, SM (although SM I think needs to be older). The one way they can do that is to have them and be guided through it with a parent. But, if as a parent you're not comfortable with this, that's ok too. I have friends on both ends of this, either pretty laid back or completely locked down. I welcome everyone's views on this because often things come up I haven't thought about and should think about

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 18:25

Makes me laugh so much when posters with younger children are on their high horse about what they will and won't let their teens do, just like non-parents preaching about what perfect parents they will be.

I’m pretty much the parent I expected to be. Far from perfect. But what I said I wouldn’t put up with, I don’t put up with.

FreyaBarnet · 14/11/2020 18:27

WhatsApp is how teenagers communicate. Obviously you can ban it but you are cutting your child off from their peers. I just keep an eye on it.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 18:30

FreyaBarnet

I didn’t say I would ban it. I said I wouldn’t have her in her whole class group where there is clearly going to be manipulative nastiness, and I wouldn’t have her on a phone for hours every day. It’s just a different style of parenting.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 14/11/2020 18:32

Makes me laugh so much when posters with younger children are on their high horse about what they will and won't let their teens do, just like non-parents preaching about what perfect parents they will be.

Laugh away... my children are now old enough to drive, get married etc. etc. and I know that I didn’t allow them to have social media accounts before they were old enough. As long as I was paying the phone bill I was checking what was being done with those phones.

throwaway100000 · 14/11/2020 18:35

Wow, I think it’s so normal for a 13 year old to have WhatsApp? Seems weird to restrict access to the app when they’re at the age where they use it the most.

I had it at her age, this was before it became super popular so we all had it before our parents. Same with Instagram/Twitter/Snapchat.

slipperywhensparticus · 14/11/2020 18:35

Yes I have intervened once between my then 15 year old daughter and the stepmother she hadn't seen for 12 years (along with her father) she sent nice messages all fine she then began to slate me blaming me for our split and my refusal to marry him as the reason he began to drink my ridiculous adherence to "you can only see your daughter if your straight and sober" after he showed up high on pills with vodka in a pop bottle when he came to see his daughter my refusal to pay for his drugs "made him steal" it was all my fault DD got a bit upset said she didn't blame me one bit I was only protecting her etc she (a grown fucking woman) verbally went for my daughter told her she "could tell stories about me" accused me of being a paedophile and all sorts (we first met on his 19th birthday so im not sure where she got that idea from) all this DD his from me but I caught a glimpse one night logged on and read it the following day responded I was a 15 year old CHILD and she should moderate her tone or speak to the police about her harassment

So she began to harrass me instead I pointed out her dad's date of birth was on her birth certificate and he was in a ltr relationship before me I had a long term prior relationship too so try again 🙄

Apparently he is a wonderful father pity my daughter is the second daughter he dumped

FreyaBarnet · 14/11/2020 18:37

@flaviaritt

FreyaBarnet

I didn’t say I would ban it. I said I wouldn’t have her in her whole class group where there is clearly going to be manipulative nastiness, and I wouldn’t have her on a phone for hours every day. It’s just a different style of parenting.

I've seen conversations about whether they need to bring in their history books, whether they had to answer all of section C and should they bring self raising or plain flour to food tech. The manipulative nastiness must have passed me by.

Obviously if that's the sort of thing you expect your child to indulge in, it probably is best to keep away.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 18:38

Obviously if that's the sort of thing you expect your child to indulge in, it probably is best to keep away.

Well, aren’t you lovely.

IrishMumSW19 · 14/11/2020 18:39

@arethereanyleftatall Your DD spends four hours each evening on her phone? That’s not healthy. When does she spend time with family? When does she read? Do homework? Just be?

Stinkywizzleteets · 14/11/2020 18:40

I did on roblox when a girl who had left my dd’s school and her new friend were calling her fat and telling her to kill herself. I told them I’d called the police. They crapped themselves and haven’t bothered her since.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 18:41

I did on roblox when a girl who had left my dd’s school and her new friend were calling her fat and telling her to kill herself.

Vile. And sadly very common.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/11/2020 18:45

I once told a kid online bullying my son that I'd hunt him down and ruin his life. I also told him I eat nails and shit bullets.

Not my finest moment, but he never did it again.

m0therofdragons · 14/11/2020 18:45

Dd has been through this and we talked about the fact she can choose which groups she interacts with as she has the control to leave a group. There’s fear of missing out but actually she’s been really sensible and left groups with nastiness. I encourage her to interact individually and only have groups for a purpose, like planning a get together etc.

I also explained to dd that if there’s bullying on the group, even if she doesn’t say anything, by being in the group she’s implicit.

I’ve found that by letting dd have it from year 7 she’s happy for me to check and she knows to show me anything concerning. She’s been able to build the trust up so now I will only check if I’m concerned about something. Dd is 13 and she’s so far stood up to a group bullying her friend, has had a distant friend threaten suicide during lockdown 1 and so much more. It’s been a big learning curve for us both but we’ve navigated it together. I don’t judge just listen, advise and guide - dd has proven she’s listened and acts appropriately. If she hadn’t had it until 14-16 ish I think we’d have missed a lot of learning opportunities.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/11/2020 18:50

@IrishMumSW19
Yes, about 4 hours. So, generally, school finishes at 3.30, she usually does an after school sport, netball, football, gets home about 4.45. About 1 hour then with video WhatsApp with her friends, chatting. 1 hour then stop for dinner with us all, no phones. Then, back on video chat with her friends, they do their homework together, some dancing usually. Phone off at 9 and charging in the kitchen. Then reading and bedtime.
It isn't really staring at a screen as such, in fact, how they use it; as a virtual play date as due to lockdown they can't be in person; ironically prevents them spending hours gaming/tiktoking/YouTubing as they both don't have time and their phones are being used elsewhere!
It's good, honest!

LolaButt · 14/11/2020 18:50

In answer to the OP, no - responding to teen messages as a parent is not a good idea as it opens up the potential for mum wars over kid messages.

If things being said aren’t appropriate, rude, bullying etc the advice I give my kids is to screenshot it, disengage and move on with their lives. Easier said than done sometimes.

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 18:57

Oh well at least you've changed your mind over the course of the thread, flavia. Not going to ban it now whereas earlier you wouldn't allow them to download the app or allow them on it.
We all read, did sport, etc. I didn't even have a phone until I was 18 but modern life is different and some schools will utilise children having access to certain platforms. It's not all bad. The key is education on using SM responsibly, schools place an onus on teaching this regularly and support parents to be up to date with the latest advice also.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:00

Oh well at least you've changed your mind over the course of the thread, flavia. Not going to ban it now whereas earlier you wouldn't allow them to download the app or allow them on it.*

No, I said I wouldn’t allow them to be on a class WA group and also that I would know what apps they had downloaded and they wouldn’t be able to do it without permission.

But ultimately it’s about trust. Yes, my child probably could deceive me and join a group and leave a group every 5 minutes, but she’d get caught at some point and then she wouldn’t have a phone so she’d learn soon enough.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:01

some schools will utilise children having access to certain platforms.

No school I am going to send my child to is going to require access to a smartphone.

WaxOnFeckOff · 14/11/2020 19:04

I'm with some other posters OP, I'd not respond myself, but instead encourage the DD to ignore and not get drawn in or to take a bit of a high ground.

Life is all about relationships. Learning to manage this corrosive shite at her age will stand her in good stead.

I'd explain that the goady one is just looking for attention and willing to take negative attention rather than none. She is probably unhappy and maybe just not a nice person all round.

At most I'd be asking in the chat why she is being like that. Is this a chat set up by the school to which they are all added or just one they've set up themselves? If the former then the school should be monitoring it.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:11

And also, although some people suggest that children who are shielded a bit more from social media when they are young never learn to deal with the various forms of conflict that emerge online, I can only point to people like myself (children in the 80s and 90s). We did. I got my first phone when I was 17. I knew when people were being wankers. I know how to ignore people.

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 19:12

You will struggle with that flavia because every school I know provides an iPad for children who don't already have one, for remote learning.
Even my youngest had to join a FB during lockdown amongst other apps where children could communicate.
I get the feeling your DC is very young.

LilacPebbles · 14/11/2020 19:13

A FB group*

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:14

LilacPebbles

I won’t struggle. They can’t require it, legally. Any form of social media would have to be legal (and children can’t use WA until 16) and they can’t force me to allow phone use at home. It will be fine.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 19:19

And actually we are in catchment for a very good secondary and their policy is no phones at school so we’re happy with that.

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