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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man is just a user?

63 replies

Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 06:58

Best friend has just had new boyfriend move in.
She is 30, he 34.
They met when she was 27 (single mum to a toddler) and he 31.
They had a brief fling but despite them BOTH being single, it has never progressed beyond a FWB situation.
Until now.
He has never had a job and lived at home all his adult life.
It appears that his mother has had enough of this now and wants him out. All the sudden he and my friend are 'coupling' up and he's moving in.
After 4 years of 'friendship' where they were both single all the sudden they are a couple.

He's just a cocklodger, isn't he?

If you can give me a different perspective, I'd be glad.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 14/11/2020 07:03

Yup, all you can do is hold her hand when it starts getting messy.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2020 07:05

I guess it's theoretically possible he's made the decision to grow up, be responsible and is going to be an equal contribution to this new house.

It's far more likely he is going to be a cocklodger.

Indecentobsession · 14/11/2020 07:06

I can see where you're coming from but things aren't always aa they seem. Have you spoken to her about it? Maybe there's some sort of financial arrangement ?

FlingingFlangingHardToOpen · 14/11/2020 07:06

Surely it depends if he’s paying his way?

But yeah, sounds like you’re right tbh.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 07:16

I've no doubt he'll be putting his benefits towards household pot, but all of the sudden they couple up just at the point his mum is throwing him out.

Just wants replacement mummy, doesn't he?

OP posts:
pictish · 14/11/2020 07:18

Without knowing either of them it’s hard to say...but on the face of it, yes he’s cocklodging. Your friend is letting him though and that’s up to her.

Giantsfallover · 14/11/2020 07:23

He has never had a job and lived at home all his adult life

Why doesn’t he work- is there a reason?What does he do all day?
How does he survive financially? If he lived with his mum I’m assuming he didn’t pay any bills or living expenses, but how does he pay for, well anything else?
Unlikely....but is he living off a trust fund?

Indecentobsession · 14/11/2020 07:25

It's highly likely. Either your friend knows that and is happy to be "mummy" or she thinks she's the one who changed him. Like another poster said you'll just have to be there when it goes wrong

JoJoSM2 · 14/11/2020 07:25

Don’t forget your friend has chosen to have an ongoing sth with him and move him in. It takes two to tango.

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 07:37

Never had a job and lived with his mum until he was 34? Nuff said, really.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 07:40

I think he's just lazy. His father died quite young and his mother was glad to have him around but now, understandably, she wants him out.
He just bums around all day.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 07:47

Now he’s going to sit in your friend’s house, using her electricity and eating her food? Couldn’t stand this myself. Useless weight.

Giantsfallover · 14/11/2020 07:54

His father died quite young

Mine too, and my mum raised 3 children who all have jobs and their own homes.

Your upbringing can explain a lot and excuse very little.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 08:03

Only mentioning father dying young in relation as to why mum not chucked him out sooner. She wanted replacement company. That's all. No offence meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 08:11

He'll probably be contributing his benefits to pot to be fair but my concern is that my friend is in love with him (she is) but his motives for moving in are comfort NOT love.

Why? Because normal men move out, go to uni, and/or get job and independent THEN fall in love.

It can only end badly as he's using her.

The consensus is I'm right. Oh well. Just going to have to be on stand by for support. Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 08:12

I’m quite sure his benefits will be used for what he’s always used them for.

Herja · 14/11/2020 08:15

Will he still be eligible for his benefits when he moves in with her?

There's a strong chance he will have no benefits to add to the pot. She will be funding everything and doing everything. Here's hoping he's quite remarkable in bed to make up for that...

flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 08:16

Here's hoping he's quite remarkable in bed to make up for that...

😂

I bet he isn’t.

Jaybin · 14/11/2020 08:19

Why? Because normal men move out, go to uni, and/or get job and independent THEN fall in love.

BiscuitHmm

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 08:30

Good point about the benefits. I honestly don't know.
As for sex, in my experience a man's sex drive is usually linked to a desire to achieve in other areas.
He has no goals or ambition or drive. He just likea to drink tea. He's a human teapot and smokea all day.
I don't even think he'd be a good gigolo as such men have to work at fitness like a job.
He'll probably just be too tired.

This is annoying now. She is attractive and could do so much better. Gotta go now. Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 08:34

OK. Will rephrase that I don't mean to say it's in that order exactly but that's the gist of it: it could be fall in love THEN get job.
But this guy at 34 is probably going to be forever unemployed.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 08:35

Bear in mind - if he has no degree - he’s been cheerfully unemployed now for the whole of his adult life. People don’t sit on their arses for 16 years and suddenly change into dynamic sex machines. I’m not anti-benefits but this one sounds like a complete wastrel. And your friend must know this. So leave her to it.

Herja · 14/11/2020 08:46

Just, whatever else you do, make sure she knows he will have to claim as a joint couple with her. If she is working, he will get fuck all. If she is not working, they will have a joint claim and he will still have fuck all, as she will need it to continue adulting rather than pissing it up a wall. Either way, there will be little, or no, extra money in their household. They both need to be very aware of this upfront, if he is used to having benefits as play money with mummy funding everything.The rate for a joint claim is quite different to two single ones.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 08:47

I'm not anti-benefits, either. But 16 years of unemployment in a man who is physically able is something else.

There's nothing I can do. She is besotted by him. She'll wake up one day but that may not be for years. And he's going to need all the help he'll get to get another woman when he's 45 and still a bum.

That's not my concern, though.
Really gotta go now. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 14/11/2020 08:51

You've made alot of assumptions about a family you don't actually know and their personal motivations.

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