Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this man is just a user?

63 replies

Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 06:58

Best friend has just had new boyfriend move in.
She is 30, he 34.
They met when she was 27 (single mum to a toddler) and he 31.
They had a brief fling but despite them BOTH being single, it has never progressed beyond a FWB situation.
Until now.
He has never had a job and lived at home all his adult life.
It appears that his mother has had enough of this now and wants him out. All the sudden he and my friend are 'coupling' up and he's moving in.
After 4 years of 'friendship' where they were both single all the sudden they are a couple.

He's just a cocklodger, isn't he?

If you can give me a different perspective, I'd be glad.

OP posts:
PerfidiousAlbion · 14/11/2020 08:54

Two of my friends are with men like this, ie, never worked, no assets. In both cases, the women have low self esteem and would rather have a loafer/cocklodger than be alone. Tragic.

borntohula · 14/11/2020 08:55

@flaviaritt

Bear in mind - if he has no degree - he’s been cheerfully unemployed now for the whole of his adult life. People don’t sit on their arses for 16 years and suddenly change into dynamic sex machines. I’m not anti-benefits but this one sounds like a complete wastrel. And your friend must know this. So leave her to it.
I don't have a degree, how on earth is that relevant to sex?
flaviaritt · 14/11/2020 08:57

I don't have a degree, how on earth is that relevant to sex?

It’s not. It’s also not what was said.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/11/2020 09:06

I agree, someone whose lived at home and gained no useful adult life experience at 34 is unlikely to be a good catch. She's more likely got herself another child.

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 14/11/2020 09:09

Does she claim single person discount on council tax? That will have to stop

GreenlandTheMovie · 14/11/2020 09:21

He sounds awful, but she won't listen to you. Hopefully she will wake up and see sense before she has a kid with him.

I can't believe people think a healthy adult in their thirties shouldn't be criticised for never working. It's beyond pathetic. And you're bit allowed to mention men going to uni on mumsnet, they're supposed to be plumbers and electricians!

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 10:03

As regards the uni thing, it was just an example of one of many ways a man expresses independence from mummy and daddy.

He could equally do it by leaving home at 16 to train to be a plumber. Or just get an office job.

Class, status, job is not my beef with this guy: the point is he is 34 and NEVER worked at ANY job. I couldn't care less of he were a Professor of a brickie.
Never seeked any independence whatsoever. Sorry but that's just weird.

My friend has got a new kid to look after. She's just too besotted to see it.

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 14/11/2020 10:05

I think you’re very likely right and he’s just lazy. I certainly wouldn’t be interested in a relationship with him myself.

I do, however, have one proviso. My DB is unable to hold down a job and hasn’t had a job for 30 years now (he’s 53 now). He has serious MH issues so it isn’t because of laziness. He doesn’t live with my DM, he lives in a flat a 20 minute walk from her house and she’s always done everything for him. I do think it’s partly laziness, and she’s enabled him to the extent that he’s completely helpless.

In the past I used to have him stay for a couple of days and it was like having a third child. So I couldn’t imagine a woman wanting to put up with that, especially if she had a child.

I’m not suggesting that this man necessarily has MH issues, he might just be a slob who has been enabled all his life. But he did lose his dad young, so he might be quite damaged.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 10:14

I appreciate that there are people who have mental and/or physical issues who cannot work but this guy IS just a lazy bum.

IF it transpires he does have mental health issues then I feel sorry for him and feel sympathy but the fact remains that it is my opinion that he is not all of a sudden in love with my friend but is seeking her as a source of comfort as after 4 years of frankly drunken sh*gging it's only now - when his mother has had enough- are they becoming a couple in spite of being single.

He's using her.

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 14/11/2020 10:25

I'm not saying that you're wrong about him, and I wouldn't be happy if my DSis or close friend was involved with someone like that. My DB hasn't had a relationship for a very long time, but when he did years ago, I wondered what they saw in him.

All I was thinking is that not having had a job ever is by no stretch of the imagination normal. Most lazy cocklodgers do have jobs on and off because they like earning money. My DSis's abusive ex was a cocklodger of the worst sort, in 17k of debt and living off her inheritance. But even he had a job.

Mittens030869 · 14/11/2020 10:30

But he can have MH issues and still be a lazy bum. One doesn't preclude the other, and most people with MH issues do work or live busy lives. I have MH issues (we had a traumatic childhood) but I have two adopted DDs who need me to get off my backside and look after them.

It's just that I was strongly reminded of my DB in your description of your friend's boyfriend. I've had friends describe my DB as simply lazy.

Elvesinquarantine · 14/11/2020 10:32

Suggest in a helpful way how nice it will be to have someone contributing now - financially and around her home. Maybe if /when she regales how he does neither she may start to see the truth... Smoking and having a dc around may be an issue pretty quickly. Nobody wants to cuddle a dc who smells of cigarettes... Envy not envy.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 10:38

If he's got mh issues then it could be charitably said that he is acting out of fear of being alone.
It doesn 't change the fact that he's not suddenly in love with my friend while she is with in love with him. He's viewed her as a drinking buddy That he occasionally had drunken sex with till now.
That doesn't bode well.

The best that can be said is that he's too messed in the head to realise he's acting like a s*.

OP posts:
IseeIsee · 14/11/2020 10:49

Cocklodgers are, I thought, men who mooched off working women with plenty of money. You don't give an indication that your friend is going to be financially supporting him. Maybe she is just a stop gap until he goes back to Mammy.

Sometimes people get stuck in an adult/child relationship when they cross too many boundaries with their Mammy. It might do him good to move away from her and the laziness could be connected to enabling behaviour from Mammy. Who knows. Maybe the move might spur him on to get a job. Probably not but stranger things have happened.

Arnoldthecat · 14/11/2020 10:53

What use is a man without a job...?

Dexysmidnightstroller · 14/11/2020 10:54

There’s an old saying “let them get on with it”. I just hope your friend gets legal advice to ensure cocklodger never gets any claim on her assets etc. Mind you he sounds to lazy to make one.

CookieClub · 14/11/2020 10:58

@Treatscatscrave

If he's got mh issues then it could be charitably said that he is acting out of fear of being alone. It doesn 't change the fact that he's not suddenly in love with my friend while she is with in love with him. He's viewed her as a drinking buddy That he occasionally had drunken sex with till now. That doesn't bode well.

The best that can be said is that he's too messed in the head to realise he's acting like a s*.

Is it his child? You said your friend has a child.

And you said 'household pot' as if your friend is smoking pot too?

Is it that your concern goes deeper than her being with him, but more than he is leading her astray...??

Yes he sounds like a waste of air atm. People CAN change, some people are really damaged and as a PP said, some are enabled to continue to live as dependent incapable humans because an adult close to them 'carries them' through life.

Does he has any intention of giving up Pot or working? My concern would be for the child in the household here, tbh.

Original poster
Treatscatscrave · 14/11/2020 11:00

Well the overall consensus is that he is just using her.
Apart from some bits that go off on a tangent and miss the point- it's not about uni it's about doing something to get independence! Lol- that seems to be the gist of it.
Is it deliberately nasty? Don't know-how he could be just scared of being alone.
But I wouldn't want a bloke who was with me because I was a replacement mother to him that's for sure.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
borntohula · 14/11/2020 11:01

@Arnoldthecat

What use is a man without a job...?
I guess you could ask "what use is a woman without a job?" as well...
CookieClub · 14/11/2020 11:01

Sorry I've just realised you clarified it's not his child - I've not had enough coffee yet. Grin

And I wouldn't say he's a 'new boyfriend'....she technically been with him for years...probably just didn't make it official as was dubious due to having a child.

Do you think there's a possibility he's manipulated her/is narcistic?

Arnoldthecat · 14/11/2020 11:03

I guess you could ask "what use is a woman without a job?" as well...

Yes indeed, why not...

CookieClub · 14/11/2020 11:05

@Treatscatscrave

Well the overall consensus is that he is just using her. Apart from some bits that go off on a tangent and miss the point- it's not about uni it's about doing something to get independence! Lol- that seems to be the gist of it. Is it deliberately nasty? Don't know-how he could be just scared of being alone. But I wouldn't want a bloke who was with me because I was a replacement mother to him that's for sure.

Thanks all.

Maybe she is using him too?

You haven't indicated whether she owns/earns/works herself? and the use the term 'household pot' indicates she is taking from him too for drug use. Hopefully I am wrong as there's a child involved

thepeopleversuswork · 14/11/2020 11:08

OP what do her kids make of the situation? Does he have a good relationship with them? Could you see him pitching in with them and being supportive or do you think he'll just be another mouth to feed/arse to wipe?

On the face of it it does sound like he's a useless cocklodger, yes.

Helpmylecreuset · 14/11/2020 11:13

Obviously household pot is referring to the pot of household money for bills etc. At no point did the OP mention drugs

CityCommuter · 14/11/2020 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.