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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it ever acceptable to have an affair? On what grounds?

61 replies

JustPondering1 · 14/11/2020 06:39

I've been surprised by a few posts lately suggesting the OP has an affair or discussing that it's been considered. It just made me think, considering how anti cheating etc the majority of people are - when is this ever considered to be acceptable?

This is very much hypothetical here, I'm not considering having one or anything like that. Just wondered why sometimes people seem to think it's less of an issue in certain contexts.

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 14/11/2020 06:47

The only circumstances I can think of is if your partner suffers some kind of terrible injury or incurable illness to the extent that they no longer know what's going on or are in residential care. I remember an episode of First Dates where an elderly man was on a date. He had a wife but she was in a care home with advanced dementia and no longer knew who he was. He'd cared for her for years but she was approaching the end. I don't think you should have to be alone in those circumstances if you don't want to be.

Otherwise no. You should always leave before starting up with someone else.

Heartofstrings · 14/11/2020 06:48

Interesting one. Me and dh have an open relationship. We are rarely intimate but I absolutely love the bones of him. We are the best team and have a happy marriage BUT I refuse to be celibate

myhumps123 · 14/11/2020 06:48

When the relationship is dead in the water, both parties are aware but are hanging on for financial reasons or for the sake of the children.

When there is no affection, love, care and support even though you have tried to discuss it with your partner to resolve the situation again and again but to no avail.

PaxMalmKallax · 14/11/2020 06:51

It is never acceptable to have an affair. It is never acceptable to get into a relationship with someone who is not single. Maybe I’m naive but this is the one relationship thing I find utterly wrong.

OlympicProcrastinator · 14/11/2020 06:55

I think if your OH just decides when your’e still young that they never ever want sex again but you have children and a stable home life, no arguing, get on well, co parent properly and otherwise have a good relationship, I think it might be better to stay together for the sake of keeping a happy stable home for the kids. It’s a huge ask to simultaneously go without sex for 20-30 if you have a high sex drive.

I’m not sure it’s right even in those circumstances but I would kind of understand and be less judgey about it I think.

AlternativePerspective · 14/11/2020 06:55

Not acceptable no. Understandable how it happened, yes. That doesn’t justify it but it does explain, iyswim.

OverTheRubicon · 14/11/2020 07:00

@myhumps123

When the relationship is dead in the water, both parties are aware but are hanging on for financial reasons or for the sake of the children.

When there is no affection, love, care and support even though you have tried to discuss it with your partner to resolve the situation again and again but to no avail.

They're not acceptable reasons. Yes, for having an agreed open marriage perhaps, though even then, I'd argue that if at all possible you're better off separating than being together and unhappy without any ability to change in sight.

Dinosauraddict · 14/11/2020 07:01

Never acceptable in my view.

Apple31419 · 14/11/2020 07:04

Agree with pp about it only being acceptable if the other partner literally has dementia or something similar.
I think for an lot of people it's not so much the act itself as the deceit behind it - now you don't know who this person is. Many people need securtity. I don't think open relationships are an issue for this reason.
However I don't need to understand why it would upset someone. The issue here is that the cheating partner has done something that they know would devastate the other partner. I don't think it matters what it is they do - if you know you're about to hurt someone, and you could have avoided it. You're a dick if you do it .

eaglejulesk · 14/11/2020 07:06

I agree with @Oysterbabe. If your partner is no longer aware of what is going on and are never going to get better then it is acceptable to find joy elsewhere. Otherwise no, if you really want to have an affair then you leave your relationship first.

SimonJT · 14/11/2020 07:11

Absolutely not acceptable, people who have affairs simply don’t have the backbone to leave and be a decent person.

Ihaveyourback · 14/11/2020 07:15

No, not in my view if you are married.

Chloemol · 14/11/2020 07:19

No never. If you feel the need to be with someone e else have the decency and courage to end the current relationship. The fall out otherwise is horrific for everyone

SpectralPlot · 14/11/2020 07:22

It was acceptable to me after my ex-H had been unfaithful for the second time. I acted on an attraction that had been surfacing, that I had been pushing away. OM was single. I felt and still feel no guilt.

Not even bothered to name change.

Regretsandregrets · 14/11/2020 07:25

People seek happiness outside a relationship for all sorts of reasons.Its always easy to judge other people when you are not living the life they are living.Life is not black and white.

Dashel · 14/11/2020 07:28

If I had been in a coma for years with no hope for improvement or a carehome and no longer recognised DH as my husband then I would want him to move on, even if it meant having an affair.

Life is too short to waste.

RhapsodyandAshe · 14/11/2020 07:29

When you have moved to a foreign country with your spouse, with pre-existing mental health issues, that you have agreed together, will be dealt with appropriately should they re-surface, no matter how much it may cost under the new countries health system and then wehn you do start suffering and signal to your spouse that you need that help. And they refuse.
And then your GP in the new country, trying to help you, without further services involvement, prescribes an anti-depressant that is known for triggering mania, which, lo and behold, is what happens.

WhoseThatGirl · 14/11/2020 07:30

Unless you both agree to an open relationship it’s never acceptable.

Mummadeeze · 14/11/2020 07:30

I would feel justified to have an affair. I am just too scared! And I lack the self esteem to find someone else. In an unhappy relationship, no physical intimacy, no affection or much care to me although he loves and cares very much for our DD. Partner refuses to discuss it or discuss splitting up or moving out. I have tried. Neither of us want to not live with our DD 24/7 so I get it. He is a good Dad and close to our DD. Just doesn’t love me. And is not self sufficient money-wise so can’t live easily without me from that point of view either. I know it is a mess. And actually the main reason I wouldn’t have an affair is that I wouldn’t want to bring someone else into this mess either.

QuacksInTheDark · 14/11/2020 07:33

My friend had an affair and I don’t blame her. She was trapped in an abusive marriage and met someone else through work, she started an affair and OM helped her extricate herself from a very dangerous marriage.
I usually don’t agree with affairs but in this case I believe it saved her life.

fantasmasgoria1 · 14/11/2020 07:36

For the last four years of my relationship with my ex, there was no sex or intimacy. I really wanted to feel loved and have sex whilst he just got drunk every day. I didn't cheat but I felt like it. I asked him his thoughts on an open relationship but he said basically I needed to accept the enforced celibacy and never cheat. I finished the marriage as I needed not only sex but cuddles and love too.

Noconceptofnormal · 14/11/2020 07:37

An open marriage is not having affair as there is consent there.

myhumps123

When the relationship is dead in the water, both parties are aware but are hanging on for financial reasons or for the sake of the children.

When there is no affection, love, care and support even though you have tried to discuss it with your partner to resolve the situation again and again but to no avail.

My cheating husband used all of these excuses to me. Unfortunately I was not aware that he was apparently in exit mode - I knew he was unhappy but there were a number of external reasons why that was the case that were temporary.

Unless the person has consented then there is no acceptable way. A marriage can seem very unhappy (or be made very unhappy by the cheating spouse who wants to justify their exit) but you made a lifelong promise to that person.

The care home example I have some sympathy with and staying married with an affair seems to be the least worst option for someone in care (it makes me feel sadder to think that person being divorced without their knowledge). But personally I wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone with an unknowing spouse in a care home.

Charleyhorses · 14/11/2020 07:38

Oh the older I get I get less judgy.
I think serial married shaggers are a bit grim, ditto the shagees.
However I do think sometimes people have come to the end of a relationship and finding someone else is the impetus to leave.

peridito · 14/11/2020 07:43

@RhapsodyandAshe that sounds awful .I'm so sorry .

But if a person hooked up with someone else while in the grip of mania ,that's not an affair in my book .It's a symptom caused by an illness .

seayork2020 · 14/11/2020 07:53

I would leave before cheating as I would not justify it to myself and I expect the same in return, I get open relationships I just would not have one myself

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