Is it ever acceptable to have an affair? On what grounds?

[JustPondering1]

I've been surprised by a few posts lately suggesting the OP has an affair or discussing that it's been considered. It just made me think, considering how anti cheating etc the majority of people are - when is this ever considered to be acceptable?

This is very much hypothetical here, I'm not considering having one or anything like that. Just wondered why sometimes people seem to think it's less of an issue in certain contexts.

No I don't think so. Even in cases of abuse to be honest, because if your abuser found out, do you think they'll handle it well or kill you? Probably kill you. It's not worth the risk.

A lot of women post on here saying they did it because their husband didn't pay them attention, which is generally agreed upon as fine by people on here. But if a man says the same thing, he's a cunt basically. So is the woman in my opinion.

People seek happiness outside a relationship for all sorts of reasons.Its always easy to judge other people when you are not living the life they are living.Life is not black and white.

I agree. I have a friend who regularly rails against her ex-husband and how awful it was that he had an affair at the time their marriage broke down, what a terrible person he was and how she can’t understand how anyone can still be friends with him because of his actions (forgetting that I am still friends with him).

Frankly, having seen the way she treated her husband first hand, I don’t blame him one bit. He’s still with the woman with whom he had the affair and they seem very happy.

However I do think sometimes people have come to the end of a relationship and finding someone else is the impetus to leave.

I agree, realising that you’d rather be with the other person can be the catalyst for realising how bad your current relationship is. In an ideal world, one relationship would end before the other begins but I’ve been around long enough to know that we don’t live in an ideal world. And yes, there’s a big difference between those who are serial cheaters and those who end up in a messy, less than ideal situation.

No. Just be a mature adult and leave your partner. No need for scummy behaviour.

Nope.

As a teenager I found the idea of a great romance doomed to remain secret because his wife was ill (or whatever) impossibly romantic. Now I just think it a bit sad to cheat on a commitment to your marriage.

Not saying you have to stay together for ever but , if it's not working, be a grown up. Call it a day, split up and then start looking around.

@SpectralPlot love your post!

@Regretsandregrets

People seek happiness outside a relationship for all sorts of reasons.Its always easy to judge other people when you are not living the life they are living.Life is not black and white.

I agree. Things get complicated obviously it’s not right I doubt anybody will say that it is. I think we should try to understand though. People who have been together years from a very young age whilst they are pros I often think they must be a a fair few cons and it wouldn’t shock me if one them cheated because who you are at 18! Is not who you are 30.

@Mummadeeze

I would feel justified to have an affair. I am just too scared! And I lack the self esteem to find someone else. In an unhappy relationship, no physical intimacy, no affection or much care to me although he loves and cares very much for our DD. Partner refuses to discuss it or discuss splitting up or moving out. I have tried. Neither of us want to not live with our DD 24/7 so I get it. He is a good Dad and close to our DD. Just doesn’t love me. And is not self sufficient money-wise so can’t live easily without me from that point of view either. I know it is a mess. And actually the main reason I wouldn’t have an affair is that I wouldn’t want to bring someone else into this mess either.

This has made me so sad. You can't spend your life like this, I really don't believe this is ever in the best interests of children either. Your DD needs you to be happy, you deserve happiness! Being in an unhappy marriage is soul destroying.

I think it’s maybe not ever acceptable but sometimes understandable when someone has an exit affair from a genuinely unhappy marriage.

However, people saying if you’re not happy you should leave ignore that a hell of a lot of affairs happen (especially for men - women apparently normally cheat for emotional reasons) with people having no intention of leaving. Just for the fun / thrill / ego boost etc. They’re never ok.

Thank you @Blossomhill4.

If your spouse is in care with dementia and you cheat on them and justify it based on the fact that they've forgotten who you are, are you still comfortable taking their inheritance when they die? That's what I'd be asking myself in that scenario. I don't think I could feel good about that.

@Oysterbabe

The only circumstances I can think of is if your partner suffers some kind of terrible injury or incurable illness to the extent that they no longer know what's going on or are in residential care. I remember an episode of First Dates where an elderly man was on a date. He had a wife but she was in a care home with advanced dementia and no longer knew who he was. He'd cared for her for years but she was approaching the end. I don't think you should have to be alone in those circumstances if you don't want to be.

Otherwise no. You should always leave before starting up with someone else.

This and only this. I don't see the point of so called open relationships. If you want companionship get a flat mate.

What about people in abusive relationships?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years (though I couldn’t see it and was too worn down to leave because I thought no one else would ever want me thanks to his relentless conditioning). I met someone who was kind and caring and treated me with decency and respect. We had a brief affair , realized there was more to life and relationships than what I was getting, and I left my then-partner with his help and support.

We have now been together ten years, marrried with a wonderful DD and the only regret I have ever felt is that I wasn’t strong enough to leave my abusive ex years before.

I think it’s for those involved to decide

And yet, they're incredibly 'popular' !

www.nytimes.com/2018/01/22/well/marriage-cheating-infidelity.html#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20American%20Association,relationships%20without%20intercourse%20are%20included.

My friend was in an emotionally controlling and abusive relationship where they had a young child so felt totally trapped. She got a new hobby and met a man, they had a brief affair before she left her partner. It was literally a couple of months max and I'm not even sure if they had sex before she ended it with her partner. Her ex partner then showed his true colours becoming violent and very very manipulative.

My friend has been married to the man she left ex partner for for a decade now and they have had 3 children together.

I think her behaviour was perfectly acceptable. Her husband gave her back the self esteem and confidence to be able to deal with an abusive man.

@Yippeeforme

If your spouse is in care with dementia and you cheat on them and justify it based on the fact that they've forgotten who you are, are you still comfortable taking their inheritance when they die? That's what I'd be asking myself in that scenario. I don't think I could feel good about that.

Is it really that much different to inheriting because they died of other reasons?

I worked with a teacher who had to give up her career when her husband developed early onset dementia in his early 40's. They had a disabled child and he could no longer help care for the child. She juggled caring for them both for around 8 years before her husband had to go into a care home. She visited every other day when her child was at school. She was only in her 30's.

By the time she was 40 her husband didn't know who he was, who she was, who their child was and he'd even lost most of his childhood memories. He survived until he was 69 and she never changed how much she took part in his life - she cut his hair, visited as she always had and fitted that in around the extensive care needs of their child.

The fact she met someone when she was in her late 40s and had the occasional dinner out or had sex every now and again didn't suddenly mean she didn't care about her husband or didn't deserve to inherit his share of their house and the bit of savings they had left.

@Yippeeforme

If your spouse is in care with dementia and you cheat on them and justify it based on the fact that they've forgotten who you are, are you still comfortable taking their inheritance when they die? That's what I'd be asking myself in that scenario. I don't think I could feel good about that.

What if you had been caring for them for years prior to them going into care? Dementia is a gradual thing but living with someone even in the early stages, when they don’t yet need full time care, can be very difficult and draining.

I think it's wrong to not give your partner the choice of staying with you or not. Why not tell them you want to either have an open relationship or separate. You do so much damage to people's trust when you lie and cheat. It can harm them and their future relationships and leave lasting problems. Why do that to someone you say you care about.

My mother has very serious mental health issues, my dad doesn't want to leave her because she simply wouldn't cope alone. She is very difficult to live with and I would be astonished if they have had sex in decades.

He has had at least one affair and I really have no issue with that.

No, never acceptable. Leave if you want a new partner.

Staying with someone for their money is awful and certainly even worse if then go onto have an affair.

It's difficult to understand unless you've been through it (like so many things) but what does the damage in affairs is the lying and deceit.

Having another relationship where your official partner is too mentally unwell or just 'gone' is not the same thing.

I can also understand exit affairs from an abusive relationship. I don't approve but I would never say anything because I would try and empathise.

People who have not experienced long term caring responsibilities should not imagine they know anything about it.

It can be perfectly possible to love and care for someone but still want an adult relationship and not be evil. It's a long life. Imagine being condemned to celibacy and a lifetime of changing adult nappies at 22 years old. Imagine knowing that if you leave this person they will be totally alone in the care system, terribly vulnerable to abuse and neglect. Imagine knowing that even if you leave them, they won't be able to remember it has happened and they just won't know where you are. They will have to be left every day of their life.

The opinions expressed on this thread are naive to the point of being ridiculous.

...Not all of them obviously.

What if there has been no sex or intimacy for 5 years. What if the person spent no time with their wife and child at the weekend and would not go on any holidays ?