Is it ever acceptable to have an affair? On what grounds?

[JustPondering1]

I've been surprised by a few posts lately suggesting the OP has an affair or discussing that it's been considered. It just made me think, considering how anti cheating etc the majority of people are - when is this ever considered to be acceptable?

This is very much hypothetical here, I'm not considering having one or anything like that. Just wondered why sometimes people seem to think it's less of an issue in certain contexts.

If your partner has one first, I think it's open season, although the mature thing to do would be to separate.

I don’t think it’s a good way to conduct yourself to be cheating on anyone. Obviously the optimal approach should be to extract yourself from a committed relationship before you embark on a new one. Cheating hurts a lot of people.

That said in the real world there are shades of grey which posters tend to ignore on these threads. Marriage, particularly involving children, is a difficult thing to extract yourself from. It’s easy to see why people are very apprehensive about ending a marriage when so much is invested.

I can understand carers of people with dementia needing an adult relationship elsewhere. The kinds of affairs I cannot forgive are when the cheating partner is basically a bit bored, not unhappy with their partner but just craves excitement and gets off on the thrill of the illicit, while all the time maintaining the appearance of a happy marriage.

@Regretsandregrets

People seek happiness outside a relationship for all sorts of reasons.Its always easy to judge other people when you are not living the life they are living.Life is not black and white.

Agree with this 100%

@SomelikeitHoth

What if there has been no sex or intimacy for 5 years. What if the person spent no time with their wife and child at the weekend and would not go on any holidays ?

You either separate or ask for an open marriage.

No.

No it's not.

What if there has been no sex or intimacy for 5 years. What if the person spent no time with their wife and child at the weekend and would not go on any holidays ?

Then you LEAVE.

A partner being an arse is never an excuse to be an arse yourself.

What I would like to know is, why don't the cheating people tell their partners they are sleeping with someone else?

Do you not think many partners who don’t wish to engage in sex for whatever reasons don’t know their partners are outside of their relationship

It’s just for many not acknowledged and all seem to manage fine with this

Why leave when every other area of the relationship is fine and you still both love each other and your life together

I think people try to justify it for all kinds or reasons. And I totally understand with some of these examples why people might take it as an option. I’ve known lives destroyed through affairs though, and I think if you are attracted to someone enough to do that to your spouse/family then you have to bite the bullet and leave first.

I’m stuck in a very complicated marriage and I’m not particularly happy, I haven’t been for some years. There’s not chance I’ll get out for a good long while to come, if at all. I know most people in my situation would probably see it as their chance, and I won’t lie because I have had thoughts, but I could never, ever do that to my kids. They’d hate me for it and I’d lose everything. I’d not be able to live with the guilt or the sneaking around or just the feeling of total dishonesty. DH has no one else so I’d be terrified of what it would do to him too.

Plus ultimately someone else would have to want you! There’s not another guy out there who’d ever look twice at me anyway. I’m 43 and very much over the hill

@Regretsandregrets

People seek happiness outside a relationship for all sorts of reasons.Its always easy to judge other people when you are not living the life they are living.Life is not black and white.

This.

People and situations have far too many nuances to be able to make a 'one size fits all' judgement.