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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu just talking?

88 replies

Pollypocket89 · 12/11/2020 19:58

Today I had a rubbish day at work and a guy I work with sometimes offered to listen while I ranted. We spoke for nearly an hour leaving work and then have exchanged messages for a few hours this evening.

I'm married. He's got a girlfriend

I see no harm in it but a friend was horrified with me

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Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 17:20

Oh dear lord, please read what I wrote. My friend asked what I was up to, I said talking to X about history thing. No bloody histrionics

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Storyoftonight · 13/11/2020 18:18

@Pollypocket89

Oh dear lord, please read what I wrote. My friend asked what I was up to, I said talking to X about history thing. No bloody histrionics
I don't buy this.

I don't buy that grown adults go into detail about what they are talking about to who and then again later still chatting to whoever. You are either doing this to point score and therefore telling your friend as it feels exciting , or you know it's wrong and that's why youre speaking to us.

I've been there and I'm not throwing any stones but you need to own this.

Newmumatlast · 13/11/2020 18:27

@SchrodingersImmigrant

It depends on the messages, doesn't it. And about how secured people are in relationship and themselves. There is no law against having someone to talk to who is the other gender. It's fine as long as it doesn't cross into affair. Or want of an affair
this
Mydogmylife · 13/11/2020 18:30

Yes I think perchanga thinks he has an ulterior motive, as do I and most of the other posters. And I think you know this perfectly well, and are enjoying posters telling you so! I'm presuming you're not 12, and have a modicum of common sense! Grow up, you sound like a teenager giggling about ' do you think he likes me' in the school yard while protesting ' we were only chatting' Sorry to sound harsh .

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 19:09

It doesn't sound harsh, it's just wrong. It's more of a boundary thing I was querying, I've been with my husband since I was 22 so do have limited experience and no one is giggling. If you read what I wrote, I said that when he said the end bit, I felt uncomfortable and won't be engaging again

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Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 16:40

He messaged again today so I think I am going to have to distance myself. Its a shame as he's a really nice guy but like pp said, I don't want to give him the wrong idea

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ChristmasReindeer · 14/11/2020 16:51

What did he message you today?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 18:11

To see how I was and hoped I was feeling better, let him know if there's anything he can do, always there to listen even if non work related...

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mbosnz · 14/11/2020 18:15

We've been out for a special (and rare) lunch date just the two of us, when a work colleague (young, female, attractive), rang in tears, having suffered horrendous bullying by a toxic work colleague who was also trying to force DH out. I was more than happy for him to go out to take the call, which took most of our time.

I know DH, and I also understood the work colleagues need to reach out to him to unload, and get support.

I also got DH to give her some very creative ways in which I'd like to deal to the toxic work colleague, later on, which cheered them both up. . .

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 18:32

That sounds nice... Hopefully my friend has just made me paranoid and he really is just being nice

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Mydogmylife · 14/11/2020 18:59

@Pollypocket89

To see how I was and hoped I was feeling better, let him know if there's anything he can do, always there to listen even if non work related...
Good grief! Open your eyes for heavens sake! This is not 'just being nice' this is trying to open a relationship . If you don't want this to go further and get messy .......STEP BACK.
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 19:04

I've already said that's what I'm going to do, but I don't like assuming the worst in people

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2020 19:19

I'm not sure with your previous thread how you can't see that this is linked to your feelings about your DH's behaviour chatting to someone in a similar way? You about history, them about music. Even if it's subconscious I think that the main issue at play here is that the relationship isn't in a good place on either side. Good you've seen it's totally inappropriate now he's been saying you're pretty, he wants to help etc. But even before that could you not link it in your mind to your DH's behaviour recently - you are doing what he did basically?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 19:23

It wasn't about a one time chat with my DH. It was much bigger than that. If it was excitement or one up manship as pp have said, I'd continue not balk at his compliments so I don't make a link at all. Bar perhaps reacting how I'd expect him to

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Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 19:24

This thread wasn't about my own relationship as I know there's nothing it in my side. It was about my friend's comments and how his girlfriend may feel which I think I've established

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Happyheartlovelife · 14/11/2020 19:40

Pah

Wouldn’t bother me if my husband spoke to a female work colleague for 3 hrs. However if it was during the evening. I’d think it was a bit strange. But then he works with females. Half the population is female. I trust him 1000%. The only reason I’d think it was strange is he wouldn’t want to talk ‘shop’ when he doesn’t have too.

My husband probably wouldn’t do it though. Out of respect for me. I think that’s a huge difference.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2020 19:40

I meant it could be about you not being happy in your current relationship, not actively trying to get back on your partner / partake in one upmanship. IMO when both partners in a relationship are having conversations that one or both of them are unsure are appropriate, it would indicate there is perhaps an issue in that relationship. It wasn't an accusation, it was a suggestion as it's unusual behaviour in a happy relationship - by unusual behaviour I don't mean messaging genuinely platonic friends, I mean there being angst and anxiety around who is being messaged / why / whether it's appropriate etc.

Happyheartlovelife · 14/11/2020 19:41

Although there’s nothing in your end

He’s being weird. You know Dee down his comments about How your pretty etc aren’t good.

MiniCooperLover · 14/11/2020 19:42

I hope you didn't criticise anyone from work on messages so he had something he could use against you

DisneyMillie · 14/11/2020 19:43

I personally think it’s over stepping boundaries. Friendly closeness is often a gateway to affairs

ghostmous3 · 14/11/2020 19:59

Hmm I wouldnt like this at all of I'm honest.
It's one thing having a good old talk with someone from the opposite sex at work (I've done it) and another carrying it on outside of work for hours on end and not mentioning it to your partner.
If my dp did that to me I'd be bloody annoyed.
Overstepping boundaries a bit.
I bet his gf would see your conversation a a bit differently tbh

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 20:06

Thsts what I was worried about, ghostmous and I don't want that for her at all

Minicooperlover, that's a bizarre jump?

Happyheartlovelive, that's exactly where I'm at now

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Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 14/11/2020 20:20

I think I do feel a little weird about it as although the topics were platonic and general, dh did know, but we spoke till after midnight which on reflection may not be great

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Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 17/11/2020 09:57

So I hadn't spoken to him since the night l last posted on here. I saw him today at work and spoke briefly about music, then he chirped he was going to make me a playlist and left

And now I'm cringing. Ive been with my DH for 8/9 years but that's still a flag right?

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Mydogmylife · 17/11/2020 12:57

Yes!!!!! Are your eyes opening yet?