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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu just talking?

88 replies

Pollypocket89 · 12/11/2020 19:58

Today I had a rubbish day at work and a guy I work with sometimes offered to listen while I ranted. We spoke for nearly an hour leaving work and then have exchanged messages for a few hours this evening.

I'm married. He's got a girlfriend

I see no harm in it but a friend was horrified with me

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 12/11/2020 23:20

I think you know that this is verging on not great behaviour or you wouldn't have reacted the way you have to your friends comment . I don't think it really matters that much what the chat is about per se, it's a mutual interest yes? So something you could potentially bond over?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 12/11/2020 23:43

Yes it is. I definitely don't feel attracted to him and brought his girlfriend up during the conversation. I've changed my perspective slightly as when I ended the conversation he told me he was here if I needed him and I don't deserve the horrible time I had today and listed my nice qualities which while lovely, I now feel a bit shit

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 12/11/2020 23:46

Why did you tell your friend about it?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 12/11/2020 23:57

We exchanged messages, she asked what I was up to and vice versa

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 13/11/2020 00:15

@Pollypocket89
So, he sounds lovely (not!) - how happy would you be if your partner was/is saying those kind of things to someone else - pretty awful I bet. Don't get sucked in , boundaries are deffo getting blurred

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 06:19

That's what I meant in my second to last post... After that ending, I feel rubbish

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/11/2020 07:27

I don't think you've done anything wrong. It is possible to be friends with a man without it being sexual or an emotional affair

As for the post saying would you hand your phone over so your husband can read your messages, I would never do that. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're not entitled to privacy

Mittens030869 · 13/11/2020 08:37

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, but I think you need to be careful going forward, as sounds as if your work colleague might be trying to get closer to you.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 08:39

I don't think I've done anything wrong on my end as it really was just about history and nature. Hardly seduction

I'm just slightly concerned after friends comments about his girlfriend and me potentially giving him the wrong idea

OP posts:
borntohula · 13/11/2020 08:46

@ilovesooty

Why did you tell your friend about it?
Yeah, this. If I'm exchanging messages with a male friend, for example, it's never ever noteworthy enough to tell another friend about... I think you're more excited than you're letting on, perhaps enjoying an ego boost? Not sure what's happened with your husband but if he's been a bit shit, I guess that explains your response to this.
4amWitchingHour · 13/11/2020 08:51

I don't think there's anything wrong with this, except for your friend's reaction. According to her rules no attractive women should have conversations with men ever in case their girlfriends get upset. It's a total overreaction. Also I don't see you telling her about it as gloating or showing off at all - you were just telling her what you were up to. Honestly, the amount some people read into any interaction it's a wonder any relationships survive at all.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 09:21

Yes, I don't see anything odd in my friend asking what I was up to and me answering, that's the most regular part of this lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 09:25

It was literally a what are you up to, talking to X, you? Dinner with dc. Then a few hours later she told me about q film she'd watched and asked after my evening, so said talking to X and she said still? That's a long time etc. No big school girl giggle fest or anything

OP posts:
Valkadin · 13/11/2020 09:27

Do you have 3 hour messaging sessions generally op? I don’t and if I did it would be a huge change in behaviour. Ask yourself that.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 09:29

I don't normally, no. As I said, I'm not concerned from my end as I know there's nothing in it other than a nice conversation. I just don't want his girlfriend being bothered

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 13/11/2020 16:13

@Pollypocket89

I don't think I've done anything wrong on my end as it really was just about history and nature. Hardly seduction

I'm just slightly concerned after friends comments about his girlfriend and me potentially giving him the wrong idea

I agree you haven't done anything wrong, but you're being I think naive in the extreme if you can't see that there is a strong possibility that he is angling for something more? As a pp said I think you are maybe flattered, a wee bit excited and enjoying the attention.
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 16:36

Not consciously, as there was no flirting etc. It was literally a nice conversation I could have with any female colleague if they'd shared the interest too

The end bit was the only bit that concerned me where he said I was funny, pretty etc. That's potentially not good, but maybe he's just nice

OP posts:
Storyoftonight · 13/11/2020 16:42

Having read the thread OP I think you're point scoring here.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 16:43

Maybe I am being naive, but I'm nice to people so I never automatically assume someone's being nice with a motive.

He's about 6 years younger than me and been with his partner a long time

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 16:46

Why? It's nothing to do with my DH situation and the conversation was friendly so he wouldn't be bothered

I was more concerned about not making his girlfriend feel how I felt and if other people would be bothered, like my friend

OP posts:
Pechanga · 13/11/2020 16:53

Yes, if my DP texted a colleague for hours and called her funny and pretty I'd definitely have a problem with it.

Whether or not you're reciprocating or just having a friendly chat is irrelevant....unless you knock this on the head now you are acting unfairly to your DH and his GF too.

Mydogmylife · 13/11/2020 16:53

Sorry op, I think you're starting to make excuses for yourself now! Most posters have agreed that of course you can have male friends to chat to, you aren't doing anything wrong but you aren't daft (I hope) and are well aware that this has the potential to go very badly wrong. Your text buddy isn't just chatting about your mutual interests , he's being personal and complimentary which I understand is very flattering but not really appropriate .

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 16:58

I did say further up it was going to be a one off after he was complimentary at the end as that did make me a little uncomfortable

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 13/11/2020 17:00

Perchanga, is that because you think there's an ulterior motive?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 13/11/2020 17:10

If it was just talking without any kind of guilty conscience you wouldn't have mentioned it to your friend and started a thread.

If a friend sends me a message asking what I'm doing I don't tell them who else I might be sending messages too, that's just strange.

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