To not put my shy boy in to classes

[Nutellacoconut]

I have a shy 6 year old son. I've tried him at football and at martial arts and he spent the time crying or with a wobbly lip or trying to cling on to me. He has always been shy.

He is a wonderful person but shyness is always raised by his teachers and I can see it paralyses him in social situations. He does have friends but he waits for them to come to him in social situations eg playground.

With the classes, I did not persist... but am I making a mistake? Making him an introvert? Am I unreasonable to not put him in to such classes because he's shy? I do not want to overwhelm him and make him more shy ultimately, but I don't want to cocoon him in a introvert bubble either!

Advice would be appreciated!

I think classes are a great idea but it’s got to be something he wants to do and is interested in.

I do think it’s worth trying to help him with his shyness but maybe start smaller, one on one play dates etc (would we easier without covid).

This is such a tough one, I will follow with interest. I’m an introvert with an introvert son, I must admit I have forced/bribed him in to some classes, and I do think it helped his confidence & self esteem. How many have you tried of each? It may take a few to get him settled. My parents never took me to classes and I wish they had, that was my motivation for taking my own child.

He will grow out of it when he’s older but I would still persist in taking him to classes and leaving him there. He is more likely to cry and not want to join in if he knows you’re there if he needs you to “protect” him.

I think I'd try him with Beavers or something, a more rounded opportunity to develop friendships rather than classes.

I'd second beavers for someone who is quite shy.

Stress is really bad for children's development. He has to fight shyness every day at school so during non-school hours he needs extra relaxation and nurture to help restore the balance.
Keep trying to build up his confidence just by praising him, lots of time with you and doing the things he finds fun.
Maybe try and encourage some 1-1 friendships to build him up. Does he have some friends? Maybe some park play dates or zoom calls to strengthen those?

I don't think it's possible to make someone introverted/extroverted. It is just part of who we are.

You've tried classes, he doesn't like them. Meh. Maybe he would be more amenable to them when he is a little older, maybe he will never enjoy them.

As long as he is participating when asked question in class, and plays with other kids (albeit at their request) then I think you just embrace who he is.

The world is built for extroverts and introversion is often mistaken for shyness/rudeness when it isn't.

He will grow out of it when he’s older but I would still persist in taking him to classes and leaving him there

I disagree.

Beavers was shit for my son. There was hardly any time in their hour meeting for kids to talk with each other. Perhaps it was the way that particular club was run. Perhaps try judo or a similar activity?

I have a shy 6 year old son. I've tried him at football and at martial arts and he spent the time crying or with a wobbly lip or trying to cling on to me. He has always been shy.

I wouldn’t leave him in a place where he was visibly distressed. I wonder if there’s an activity you can do with him - our karate class has a parent and child beginners class and the instructor is excellent at supporting kids to take part independently of their parent but it’s easier because the parent is taking part too.

You could try him in smaller groups maybe with less active things, eg a Lego club or something where he can choose the level of interaction. I don’t think you can force him out of being shy, more build his confidence by trying things he enjoys or fostering a 1:1 friendship initially.

Or boys brigade my boys did beavers sister son did bb both loved in equal measure
I’d do things together there are places you can do activities as parent/child although not sure how many operating just now. He’s only 6 he may come out of his shell. I was v v shy and being forced to go to things when I didn’t want to was awful. Just be there, encourage and explore his interests together. He may never do ‘classes’ but then again he might. He sounds like a really lovely little boy and sometimes us shy ones blossom much later in life

My son is an introvert and early on I didn’t push him to join in with things if he didn’t want to. However as he got older he was more willing to try things.
The one activity that really helped build his confidence was karate. He started that when he was about 8 and has grown into a quietly confident boy who is happy to speak up in most circumstances.
My advice would be to give him time and be led by his interests.

I wouldn't push him. If it is that tough for him then I think the level of anxiety he will feel will be his overriding memory and won't particularly help him. I would try to help him with smaller steps with a couple of close friends and encourage him to take more of a lead. For example (COVID aside) could he give a friend an invitation for a playdate/trip to the park? Next time could he try asking? On a playdate (or at school if possible) could you encourage him to approach a friend or suggest his idea of a game to play.

My daughter was like this. We tried lots of different classes between the ages of 5-6 but she just didn't have the confidence for them. Never wanted to go. Often cried through most of the class. Going to school everyday was about all she could manage at this age and she just wanted to come home and be a home bird after school. Most of her peers were doing 3 or 4 classes a week! I left it for a few years and then she joined Brownies which she loves! She is now 9 and last week asked if she could join the local girls football club and is very keen to do so! Keep all options open to him. Talk about different clubs that are available but let him get there in his own stride.

My son was similar and has largely grown out of it. I wouldn’t push him into clubs he’s not enjoying, he’s socialising at school.

You can't make him into an introvert, the same way you can't make him more outgoing by sending him to classes. My DS was the same, clung to me at parties, made up excuses not to go to his weekly judo class. My other kids did want to go so I cut my losses and stopped making him do things he didn't want to do. He is a natural introvert, he needs time alone, people can stress him out. I know that and I understand it now.

He is in his twenties now. He went to uni, made friends, shared houses, has girlfriends, and more importantly has a very wide circle of good friends who he spends time with. He has hobbies of his own choosing, he is very self assured and is never afraid to speak up for himself. In short, he is a fantastic young man as your son will be too. Give him and yourself a break, let him be who he is and nurture him at home until he is ready to get out there. He'll be fine. Allow him to be who he is.

Personally I think leaving a child at a class when they are upset so they get used to it as suggested upthread isn’t really the best...

I was very shy as a child and I remember my Mum pulling me off her legs and me just feeling completely overwhelmed and flapping my hands to comfort myself and her then getting angry about that... I can honestly remember the panic now.

With my DS I do try and suggest classes and try and persuade him to give them a go when he doesn’t overly want to ... but the times he has come out and just said to me “I don’t want to go in” I’ve always taken him home. I don’t know if others would agree but to me it’s more about him knowing he can trust me than about the benefit from the class.

My shy 6 year old, hates organised activity’s with Awkward socialisation, but loves swimming and his swimming lessons as he doesn’t need to take but can spend time with other children. Don’t force him in to uncomfortable situations, as an adult that sounds awful never mind being 6.

Bless him! He’s only 6 don’t force him to go to things he clearly doesn’t want to. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert but shyness can cause huge problems when older. I was painfully shy and it took me til secondary school to build up the courage to join clubs. As long as he has friends and he seems happy otherwise just leave him be and just give him gentle encouragement and praise him LOTS! My parents just made me feel like I was an embarrassment to them so I never had any confidence and still suffer as a result.

I wouldn't force him to go to classes but I would try and help boost his confidence at home by engineering he's situations and for him to step out of his comfort zone.
Eg get him to help with the DIY, get him cooking etc

Forcing him to do these activities will make him more resistant imho and won't be good for his self esteem as it's sending the message that he shouldn't be the way he is. I'd also worry about his fear escalating to school refusal in future if you push him too much. Going to school is plenty of group time.

After school classes are only worth it if he enjoys it. Even life saving skills like swimming could be taught by a parent rather than class.

I would leave the classes for a while. Six is still very young, and he’s already had a huge amount of change and disruption over the last eight months and kids do pick up on adult anxiety over things like covid (not saying you’re over anxious about it, but he’ll be aware from things like school rules, seeing adults in masks out and about etc).

Activities should be fun, if he’s not enjoying them there’s no point forcing it.

I wouldn't force it, he’ll come out of his shell when he’s ready. He needs you to be his safe place not pushing him all the time.

My DD is definitely an introvert. We've tried a few different activities over the years and I've always asked her to give something a ho, but I wouldn't push it if she were miserable.
She finds school and being around people draining and really appreciates and needs quiet time at home. Some kids thrive on activities and busyness, some don't.
She's 13 now and has found a few things she likes doing, Guides, an art based club and also boxing. She's not a team person and isn't competitive.
6 is still pretty little and he might be better in a couple of years - keep suggesting things, but ideally let him decide what interests him.
DD did a summer 'camp' with boxing and found she really loved it. She went with a friend but I don't think she would have been willing to just start out of the blue.

I was extremely shy as a child and my parents pushed me to do lots of classes, probably to try and bring me out of my shell. I know they only had my best interests at heart, but I found it so traumatic and honestly don’t think it helped me at all - I still have massive social anxiety and shyness as an adult! Then again we’re all different, so what didn’t work for me might help your DC. Good luck OP x

Just remembered that my DD's best friend in primary school was similar and her mum stayed at parties until she was 8 ish. When she was 9 she stayed here for her first sleepover (until then she was picked up before bedtime)

She's now 17 and off to uni next autumn. She has a part-time job and is confident enough to make videos on YouTube.

I'm not saying that your ds will be the same but her mum was patient and child-centric and I think it has paid off.