To not put my shy boy in to classes

[Nutellacoconut]

I have a shy 6 year old son. I've tried him at football and at martial arts and he spent the time crying or with a wobbly lip or trying to cling on to me. He has always been shy.

He is a wonderful person but shyness is always raised by his teachers and I can see it paralyses him in social situations. He does have friends but he waits for them to come to him in social situations eg playground.

With the classes, I did not persist... but am I making a mistake? Making him an introvert? Am I unreasonable to not put him in to such classes because he's shy? I do not want to overwhelm him and make him more shy ultimately, but I don't want to cocoon him in a introvert bubble either!

Advice would be appreciated!

My step son is quite shy. We took him to an art club which I found helped because there was the option to be quiet and concentrate on his work as well as join in with others.

Have a look at what your local library offers (once COVID allows) outs has Lego club, reading club etc.

I was a shy child and hated going to classes, hated brownies. I also hate most classes as an adult, but have persevered until I found the right ones as I really wanted to learn eg yoga. Baby classes I also hated.

I think if he really wants to learn that particular skill then I would support him to overcome his shyness gradually and learn to join in.

If it’s more because you think it would be good for him to overcome his shyness or that he should be doing more activities out of school then I’d probably not force the issue and look at other less pressured ways of building confidence and finding his voice.

I just wanted to add, we really shouldn't treat shyness as bad. It's not better or worse to be outgoing, just different.
I agree with the approach to actually be patient and listen to the child and not put them into uncomfortable situations in the expectation it will help (I'm not saying you are doing this OP)
My DD was much less outgoing and socially confident than her peers, she's still anxious socially and often reticent at school but her self esteem is actually very good. She's a good friend and is very happy in smaller groups and with people she trusts.

Are there any calmer classes he could try like arts and crafts? If he’s introverted/shy maybe a quieter environment would be better so he can go at a slower pace. I was just like this at 6 and remember really enjoying doing arty things because I didn’t have to speak to anyone but the option was always there. I grew out of the shyness by about 8.

Wait for him to show an interest in something, it might be cooking, dance, gymnastics anything. Then try those classes. My (now 32) year old nephew was incredibly shy but blossomed at weekly horse riding lessons.

Leave him to be himself.

@Beamur

I just wanted to add, we really shouldn't treat shyness as bad. It's not better or worse to be outgoing, just different. I agree with the approach to actually be patient and listen to the child and not put them into uncomfortable situations in the expectation it will help (I'm not saying you are doing this OP) My DD was much less outgoing and socially confident than her peers, she's still anxious socially and often reticent at school but her self esteem is actually very good. She's a good friend and is very happy in smaller groups and with people she trusts.

I think shyness is actually a definite negative if it persists into adulthood — so many of the posts from unhappy, friendless people say that they are shy, and that it has held them back socially and professionally — but a lot of people confuse shyness and introversion, which aren’t at all the same thing.

I’d cut him some slack, OP. Six is tiny, and he’s still pretty new even to school. I’d work on his confidence, let him see you trying new things and getting out of your comfort zone and making mistakes and dealing with it — I think that’s a useful thing to model for children.

for a shy child teams ,. competition, fighting, winners/losers would be purgatory. Why don't you find him some activity where there are other children, doing their own thing, at their own speed and not in competition or teams. Maybe a wildlife group, or creative arts. If it must be outise, walking .

He may be happier doing something where he can achieve success as an individual rather than interacting as part of a group or part of a team.

What sort of things does he enjoy doing? Would these interest him?
Swimming, target shooting, horse riding, climbing, music lessons, dance, gymnastics, photography, mountain biking, gokarting.

Beavers definitely.
Brings them out of themselves no problem.

With my child I ended up becoming a leader in the activity. They were able to participate, make friends but I was there when they needed me. It was the only way as the shyness and social anxiety was crippling the child.

football and martial arts both sound like quite intense classes that are likely to attract energetic/extroverted kids and for football taking part requires pro-actively getting involved with the group (shouting at teammates to pass the ball etc) and it would be very easy for a reserved child to get stuck on the sidelines

why don't you try a class like art or music where he can try a solo activity in company which will get him practise being in groups without instantly being good at dealing with them being a requirement to take part

I was a very introverted kid and being forced into team sports was a nightmare, but I also have fond memories of taking part in a pottery class which let me do the activity solo but also provided opportunities to socialise with other kids taking the class (and a ready made topic of conversation)

This reminds me of how I was at around 9/10, painfully shy and introverted. I remember suddenly wanting to go to a netball club because it looked fun, but when I got there it was full of super athletic girls and pushy parents - my worst nightmare! I burst into tears and never went to a club again, it's now many years later and I wouldn't consider myself shy anymore but not outgoing either.

He's still very young, he'll find confidence as he gets older and I wouldn't worry unless it was effecting his emotional development or progress at school

Also school is full of opportunities for team work in the classroom so he won't be missing out by not attending classes outside of school

One of my dc is very shy also has selective mutism - I was advised by psychologist and speach therapist to slowly push out of comfort zone to build up confidence we started going to a cafe or shop, then, encouraging dc to say thank you to staff, then order a drink - all out of comfort zone. Then when we mastered this did one after school club. Because this was in a familiar environment this helped.
After two terms of this she enrolled in an out of school activity, went with a friend so had support. Been going over a year and it's really boosted her confidence.
I also found same routine for drop off was good so it was very quick and she didn't have time to think about me leaving.

My middle child was (and still is in some situations) intensely shy. Would a class or club which isn’t a team thing work?
DD did ballet (and later, tap and modern) which meant there was little direct group activity but she was still part of it.
Does he have a good friend that could join too to give him a boost?
Mine all did swimming lessons (no choice as, our personal thinking is it’s a life skill) and gradually my DD built up friendships.
I found it best not to go overboard with praise and turning conversation to what she’d done as she hated the focus being on her. In school, we often got told that she wouldn’t answer questions voluntarily and I found out (in Y3!) that it was because everyone would turn and look at her. So, spoke to the teacher, who had them in rows rather than groups, and she put DD on the back row as she discouraged turning round. Made a difference. In addition told DD that if she answered often enough with the correct answer they would stop asking as teachers are more interested in finding out who doesn’t know and needs more help. That also made a difference.

I agree with the idea of seeing if there's a friend who could sign up to a new activity with him.
I was a shy child and I did not go to any activities. I think this had a negative impact on me. Pushing me out of my comfort zone would have been beneficial.

Thank you for all the comments - really given me food for thought.

Totally agree that football could be way too intense. It hadn't crossed my mind. He didn't really participate (too shy to tackle or try to keep the ball). Once the libraries reopen a lego club would be totally up his street and playdates when conditions settle. The thing is, he is passionate about the idea of karate yet it failed big time (lots of tears there). Could give it a little while and try a class with a friend.

There's nothing wrong with him being shy but I do think it harms him because he will not stand up for himself. His friends push him around which he explains to me but no one else. I suppose its the Mother Lion in me, I want to help him out if that! I can see there's a definite fine line. Goal: baby steps with focus on fun, and plenty of time to not force anything.

I have a friend who has a son who is extremely shy. Sounds similar to this.
He was keen to learn spanish but could not cope with going to a class with lots of kids due to the extreme shyness. My friend organised for my 5yo and another child 6yo to have a private spanish tutor do a small session, so 3kids and 1 teacher. It was more expensive £11.65 each for 40mins, so I only continued with it for a year but I think it really worked well for the shy child. Not too much socialising / pressure but the fun of being with other kids.

Google ‘dandelion and orchid parenting’. You have an ‘orchid’, sending him to classes will not turn him into a dandelion.

Nothing wrong with being an introvert.

Could you try a class that one of his friends goes to so he knows someone there?

Ps avoid team (or loud) activities. He may do better with eg rock climbing, solo swimming lessons, coding club etc.

And do as many playdates at your house as you can cope with it helps a lot.

Like PPs have suggested, activity based classes might be easier to start with than ones that involve an element of ‘performance’.

I loved dance as a child but dreaded my dance classes because people were watching, even during group and whole class things I was really self-conscious. I felt nervous before Brownies but that settled quickly as there was the chance to chat and play games before the main part of the night which was usually small groups based.

A local Beavers or Cubs group might be a good place to start if your DS is interested.

I was a very shy child. My parents forced me to go to brownies and honestly I didnt get anything out of it, I only spoke to the couple of children I spoke to at school that happened to go as well. If they hadn't been there I'd have joined in with games and activities but it didn't help me in terms of social development. My parents have since said they felt guilty as they just didn't know what to do to help.

I'm not sure what would help (have you googled how to help shy children?). One thing I think is focussing on the positives. Dont label him shy or say anything about it in front of him. Realise that being shy, desite what society tells us, has its advantages - for example shy people can make very good loyal friends, they are good at listening, they can be thoughtful, they are good at entertaining themselves. I think I wouldn't have felt so bad about being shy as a child if I'd had some people saying 'it's fine to be shy, it's just a personality type and there are definite advantages in some situations'. Be positive about his personality type. To him and other people eg teachers. As there isnt anything worse than feeling others want to change who you are, when you can't help it.

Explore other clubs but maybe ones where he will meet like minded people or where there isnt pressurs to interact as much. Chess club or computer club or something like badminton or tennis or cycling where there is physical space between people and you're not expected to interact. Encourage things he does like doing. Eg I was fine one on one with friends so maybe do some more play dates. Good luck

No don't force him. If its joining in its not going stimulate him, and it's a waste of your money. You can't cure shyness by putting them into situations they don't want to be in. I think as frustrating as it is the only thing you can so is be patient, really.