To not force my DD to be around dogs to get over her fear?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My DD (8) has a fear of dogs - not all dogs, mostly large ones and especially ones that jump up. Her grandad has a small Jack Russell who is very gentle and who she adores, but anything bigger than say a cockapoo and she's completely different. She doesn't go into hysterics, she doesn't panic, she just backs off and won't go near them.

Pre-lockdown (1.0 ) my friend got a Lab puppy. We went to see her when she was tiny and she was very nippy especially when the kids ran so my friend mainly kept her in her cage.

Lately she's much bigger, and DD was really wary of her. She's less nippy but very "in your face" and jumps up a lot. We went there before lockdown 2.0. Again she was kept in the cage, as she always is when visitors go round, but my friend's kids kept getting her out. Every time they did, rather than putting her back in (or telling her kids to stop doing it) she would take her by the collar to DD and say "do you want to say hello to Lucy". Not in an awful way, she was trying to be helpful as she could see DD was on edge. I thought I'd let DD take the lead and see if she felt brave enough to stroke the dog but she said no each time, and after the 3rd or so time I said to my friend I really don't think she wants to just leave it.

We eventually left, her kids kept getting the dog out the cage and it was getting really nippy, DD was getting nervous so we went home.

Again I think my friend is just trying to be helpful as she's offered to lend us the dog for walks to see if DD could get used to her and maybe overcome her fear.

My AIBU is - AIBU to not push DD to get over this, as it's not an irrational or debilitating fear, and doesn't really affect her life much? I really don't to subscribe to the "to get over your fears to have to face them" mentality. Is living with a mild fear of dogs (some of which are actually scary or potentially dangerous) such a bad way to live your life?

I mean I may be projecting - I have a crippling fear of heights, i can just about manage sleeping on the top bunk but any higher and I get nervous. As a child my mum dragged me up tall buildings on days out and trips away at every opportunity to help me overcome it. All it resulted in was even worse fear coupled with panic attacks 🙄

You’ve answered your own question. IMO a fear of heights is more irrational than a fear of dogs. In most cases, e.g. being inside in a tall building, heights can’t hurt you, whereas dogs are much more unpredictable and can. Remember how you felt when your mum forced you to face your fear. Please don’t force your DD into facing dogs. Being wary of them is a good idea imo.

I was terrified of dogs to the point of crossing the road to avoid being near one. The only thing that ‘cured’ me of my fear was having a dog of my own!

Obviously I’m not suggesting you get a dog.

I have ocd, and the treatment for that that really worked was exposure therapy and I guess getting my dog was an extreme version of that.

I think encouraging her to get over her fear would be helpful, mainly because it helps give confidence to get over other fears later on in life. I guess it depends on how bad the fear is though, and whether you think exposing her to it would make it better or worse!

Exposure therapy is great. It isn't your mate deciding to try to make your child pet a dog. If you want to help your child to manage her fear better, read up on it. Look at how to help her without scaring her worse.

BTW I believe that outside the home, people who are scared of dogs are more likely to get bitten because of how they behave.

YANBU. In the least.

One of my DC had a fear after being nipped by a dog. I say nipped rather than bitten because the dog was being teased by other children and gave a warning snap but my DD was walking passed and the dog made contact.

She was about 3. I spent months assuring her ever time that we saw a dog and eventually she learned that not all dogs bite. Now she loves to cuddle up with our German Shepherds.

I always stood between DD and a dog until she recovered from the trauma.

In your situation I would explain to your friend that it’s not always best to be faced with whatever you are afraid of before you start making progress with controlling the fear etc. So thanks but no thanks for the offer of walking the dog.

If your friend persists tell her about your mum’s solution for your fear of heights and how it didn’t work, ie, it doesn’t work.

@MadameMeursault

You’ve answered your own question. IMO a fear of heights is more irrational than a fear of dogs. In most cases, e.g. being inside in a tall building, heights can’t hurt you, whereas dogs are much more unpredictable and can. Remember how you felt when your mum forced you to face your fear. Please don’t force your DD into facing dogs. Being wary of them is a good idea imo.

Yes, it's like with heights I know on my head this is perfectly safe, the barrier comes up to your chest, and there's a net just below you will not fall, it's not possible, and even if you did you wouldn't be hurt" - but then an overriding and overwhelming panic comes over me that says "Actually you're probably going to die". As melodramatic as that sounds.

Whereas I think my DD's fear comes from a natural place of intuition or defensiveness, or something.

I have mixed feelings about this sort of thing. I love dogs now and have quite a big dog but when I was a kid I was terrified of them. Being a bit wary is a good thing so long as it doesn't make things like going to the park or a walk difficult. In my case, my parents moved to a farm that had 3 labradors. It was extreme exposure therapy but it worked and I'm so glad my parents did it because I love my dog.

I was terrified as a child, my aunt minded us for a weekend as she had a dog and convinced my mother she'd get me use to them. It actually made me worse. I hated been made go places there was dogs, been made pet them, been made let them sit on my lap. 40 years later and I'm so scared of dogs it's ridiculous. I tried my own, didn't work, I ended up one time sitting on the back of the couch waiting for dh to come in from work as the dog was sitting growling, that was before mobiles etc so it was a long day. Let your dd lead, let her figure it out, she may come round, she may not, please don't force anything on her.

The fear of dogs is perfectly rational and understandable. (But then I would say that, I hate the fuckers. Having some patronising wanker say "he's only a puppy" as their Great Dane bit me on the arm didn't help.)

Please don't force your child to 'confront' her fears like that. She will grow out of it - or not - in her own time.

As a kid I had a debilitating fear of heights. Pretty much like yours, OP. The top bunk was terrifyingly high. As an adult anything above 2 meters was panic inducing. When I was in my 30s I was working on a building site and I had to climb up a scaffold tower to take a tool up to someone working on the roof - something inside me just said, "If I don't go up there I don't get paid." I climbed the tower. I have never been afraid of heights since. Careful yes, but not terrified.

You’re unreasonable at all. I would love a dog, but one of the children (9) has such a fear of them she’d literally bolt across the road without looking first if one is approaching. There’s no thought to this, it’s instant fight or flight decision and her brain yells FLEE.
A few school mums have (not so) helpfully said I should just get one and she’d be forced to get over it. Not going to happen, I’m afraid!

I was the same as your dd. Even up until 23/24 and then one day I decided I didn’t want to fear dogs to that extent & I chose to overcome it by babysitting dogs. I believe you have to want to
Overcome it so best to let your dd make that choice, otherwise it could have the opposite impact.

Still not 100% comfortable around bigger dogs but I don’t run off or get as scared. but then again I believe it’s best to be cautious as you really don’t know with dogs- they can turn & ive seen it.

No YANBU and I say that as a dog-obsessed person. My friend's DD was terrified of them and some fool tried to introduce her to his dog and the dog promptly knocked her down and bit her!

Sounds like DD doesn’t panic with dogs, just stays well away and doesn’t like them. That’s not the same as a fear / phobia that will impact her life (eg too scared to go walking, to te park, etc). I’d be inclined to not scare her but not actively avoid dogs either.

She is not showing signs of fear or panic .
She just doesnt like them.

So introducing bigger dogs to her would be a great idea. To get her used to it. It will only benifit her. Labs probably a bad idea as they are very friendly and bouncy haha better of a bigger laid back dog.

I was terrified S a child and used to have nightmares about being chased by dogs. I think it's important to try to overcome it.

Learning about the dogs personality helps e.g. rover likes watching eastenders and wearing blue hats

To be fair I’m not afraid of dogs and I like them but I wouldn’t really want to be with a nippy dog either if it was starting to get over excited and like that especially a bigger one. If it’s not causing her distress or anything affecting her quality of life I don’t think I’d push it on her!

Agree that a lab puppy is not perhaps the best dog for overcoming fears - so bouncy and teeth like tiny needles! An elderly calm lab type dog that your DD could walk on the lead (if she wanted to) might help her see she can have control over some dogs.

YANBU. At the grand old age of nearly 50 I am finally accepting that I am scared of most dogs and always will be. It’s freeing. One of my children is scared of dogs too and I don’t put any pressure on him to try to get used to dogs.

If she's not panicking at the sight of a dog then I don't see the big deal. I'm similar, I'm not a huge dog fan, don't want them jumping at me, don't want them licking me and wouldn't go out of my way to approach one.

No one is obliged to be in close contact with a dog, the owner is responsible for keeping them under control.

My dd (7) is the same. She was chased by a large dog and she’s scared to death of them. I live semi rural so there are a lot of dog walkers at the back of my house.

I get so mad when dog walkers let their dogs off the lead and they come over to us. The dog owner usually shouts ‘it’s ok, she likes people/used to children’ whilst they can visibly see my dd climbing in bushes/hiding behind me.

The other day two dog walkers were talking at the bottom of a small hump back bridge. They had seven dogs of the same breed between them. Three were running around off the lead. Dd was hiding behind me and holding my hand and one of the women shouted - ‘it’s ok she likes children, there are lots of dogs here’. I shouted back ‘I don’t think she will like a boot up her back side if she comes to near’. Dog owner didn’t seem to like that.

Inconsiderate arseholes.

I'd encourage her to get over her fear. She can still be wary but not afraid. Dogs are in many public places. But then I can't really relate to phobias and I was always swiftly encouraged out of mine whenever they started to show as a child, which luckily worked, I grew up in a very 'just get on with it' family so they wouldn't have pondered to it. If you have a choice to fix it why wouldn't you? Sounds tough anyway

Pandered*

@Pinkyandthebrainz

I'd encourage her to get over her fear. She can still be wary but not afraid. Dogs are in many public places. But then I can't really relate to phobias and I was always swiftly encouraged out of mine whenever they started to show as a child, which luckily worked, I grew up in a very 'just get on with it' family so they wouldn't have pondered to it. If you have a choice to fix it why wouldn't you? Sounds tough anyway

Yes like you said. You have no idea or experience of phobias

I feel the same about dogs (my job has given me this as I quite liked them as a child) and in all honesty it has little impact on my life. In Most public places dogs are on leads and when they aren’t then I just give them space. At friends houses they know I’m wary and I just tend to keep away from the dog. I’ve noticed my DD is similar which I worry has come from me but equally I don’t want her running to strange dogs to stroke them.

We have a dog, she’s big, am not an anti-dog person, but I still stay away from nippy, growling or jumping dogs. It’s common sense

@LauraBassi

Actually I explained my experience, but was helped to get through them.