To not force my DD to be around dogs to get over her fear?

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

My DD (8) has a fear of dogs - not all dogs, mostly large ones and especially ones that jump up. Her grandad has a small Jack Russell who is very gentle and who she adores, but anything bigger than say a cockapoo and she's completely different. She doesn't go into hysterics, she doesn't panic, she just backs off and won't go near them.

Pre-lockdown (1.0 ) my friend got a Lab puppy. We went to see her when she was tiny and she was very nippy especially when the kids ran so my friend mainly kept her in her cage.

Lately she's much bigger, and DD was really wary of her. She's less nippy but very "in your face" and jumps up a lot. We went there before lockdown 2.0. Again she was kept in the cage, as she always is when visitors go round, but my friend's kids kept getting her out. Every time they did, rather than putting her back in (or telling her kids to stop doing it) she would take her by the collar to DD and say "do you want to say hello to Lucy". Not in an awful way, she was trying to be helpful as she could see DD was on edge. I thought I'd let DD take the lead and see if she felt brave enough to stroke the dog but she said no each time, and after the 3rd or so time I said to my friend I really don't think she wants to just leave it.

We eventually left, her kids kept getting the dog out the cage and it was getting really nippy, DD was getting nervous so we went home.

Again I think my friend is just trying to be helpful as she's offered to lend us the dog for walks to see if DD could get used to her and maybe overcome her fear.

My AIBU is - AIBU to not push DD to get over this, as it's not an irrational or debilitating fear, and doesn't really affect her life much? I really don't to subscribe to the "to get over your fears to have to face them" mentality. Is living with a mild fear of dogs (some of which are actually scary or potentially dangerous) such a bad way to live your life?

I mean I may be projecting - I have a crippling fear of heights, i can just about manage sleeping on the top bunk but any higher and I get nervous. As a child my mum dragged me up tall buildings on days out and trips away at every opportunity to help me overcome it. All it resulted in was even worse fear coupled with panic attacks 🙄

Force is NEVER the way to address fears, ever.

Yes you should address it, because dogs are everywhere and there is little you can do to avoid them, but all she needs to achieve is the ability to remain calm and relaxed around dogs, she doesn't need to actively LIKE them, or stroke them or play with them.

Theres lots you can do but it does need to be at her pace - some trainers (when we are not in a pandemic!) will allow kids to come to classes to sit in a corner, behind a barrier, and just watch some portion of a training class where the dogs are all on leads (typically a puppy class or intermediate class just learning obedience stuff!)

Going for a walk with a dog whose owner understands the plan, so no off lead, as much distance as your daughter wants, go behind, walk parallel, again no forcing to touch or interact can be very useful.

Understanding what dogs do and why can be helpful, being able to predict behaviour makes it less scary in some instances so knowing that a bark doesn't automatically equate with aggression (nor does a growl for that matter), a waggy tail does not always mean friendly it might mean excited or giddy or stressed, simple stuff she can see and recognise as dog communication so she can make an informed choice as to whether to carry on, get nearer, go away etc.

There are a lot of useful resources on the net as well, Stop the 77 is a useful campaign, also google Lili Chin Doggie Drawings as there are some lovely and accurate cartoons showing body language and what it all means.

It sounds as though she’s not panicking, just wary. Exposure therapy might help but it most be at her pace. Try walks near fields where dogs are off lead and let her decide how close to get. Similarly with your friends dog go for a walk with them in the understanding that your daughter gets as close to the dog as she is comfortable with and no further. Teach her how to read a dogs body language, that’s the easiest way to understand and predict them. You mustn’t push her too hard or you risk turning this into a genuine phobia. Try to make contact with older, more placid dogs that’ll be easier for her. Unfortunately there are far to many owners who believe that because they love their furbaby everyone else must too.

Also your friends children really need to be taught that a dogs bed/cage is it’s safe space and they should leave it alone or they risk aggressive behaviour when the dog is disturbed pasts it’s tolerance

@LauraBassi

My dd (7) is the same. She was chased by a large dog and she’s scared to death of them. I live semi rural so there are a lot of dog walkers at the back of my house.

I get so mad when dog walkers let their dogs off the lead and they come over to us. The dog owner usually shouts ‘it’s ok, she likes people/used to children’ whilst they can visibly see my dd climbing in bushes/hiding behind me.

The other day two dog walkers were talking at the bottom of a small hump back bridge. They had seven dogs of the same breed between them. Three were running around off the lead. Dd was hiding behind me and holding my hand and one of the women shouted - ‘it’s ok she likes children, there are lots of dogs here’. I shouted back ‘I don’t think she will like a boot up her back side if she comes to near’. Dog owner didn’t seem to like that.

Inconsiderate arseholes.

Good for you. I hope you were wearing big boots.

I'd not be forcing her to have specific interactions such as going over to a dog to say hi if she doesnt want to, but not would I be going out of my way to avoid dogs or reinforce the fear.There's also a difference between a real phobia and being scared. If someone has a genuine phobia then specialist support is needed, if like your DC they're just scared then it would probably be good to get past it.

I used to be really scared of dogs and I'm convinced part of it was to do with how some relatives responded around them. Being around dogs I knew helped and now I'm a dog owner.

Really the ideal place to be is casual indifference where she can keep her distance and not particularly like them or want to be friendly, whilst also being able to exist in the vicinity of one.