To think it would be nice to be given a gift from my mum.

[J1112]

Hi all, basically I am 30 soon and I have two children.

My mum buys the children a few gifts from her and my stepdad - I’ve never had my bio dad around. But I get nothing. Is it normal not to buy anything for Christmas or even birthdays from parents when you have children?!

Now I will probably be told I sound entitled or spoilt buy hear me out.. If money was tight I’d understand but it’s not. They are quite comfortable. I have 3 younger siblings quite a bit younger than me (late teens and early twenties) who live at home and they get HUNDREDS spent on them for Christmas etc. - new phones, consoles, iPads, clothes. You name it. The two older out of the three have never really had a job either. They need to get into the real world I think. I moved out at 19 and always had to be independent and buy my own things even before I moved out.

I have an okay relationship with my mum. Been a bit hit and miss in the past but have not fallen out for a long time. We see them regularly (well before covid we did). Not overly close but no major issues.

Aibu to expect at least something? She doesn’t even get me anything for my birthday!! Just to feel less pushed out. I know I’m nearly 30 but jeez.. my siblings gets everything on a plate.

My mil always buy myself and hubby a nice gift each or a gift voucher as well as the children! What’s the norm here?!

I spend a lot of time picking out gifts for my mum, stepdad and siblings when I haven’t really got much money this year - due to covid and many house repairs. Aibu to think bugger and it and not really buy them anything this year?!

I know you shouldn’t give to receive back but to a certain extent you should imo.

I just don’t understand. One Christmas we visited and my mum had bought gifts for my grandparents, her brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) but not for me or my hubby. Admittedly she did buy some things for the kids but even that wasn’t a lot!

I’d stop the gift giving.
It’s not the receiving or even what you get, it’s the thought and sentiment behind a gift. Like someone cares for you. It’s what it represents. It seems you value the relationship more than her.

That’s so sad, your being left out, hugs.

Stop buying for your mum and step dad.

No need to bring your siblings into this, unless they don't buy for you either.

On one side of my family, all of the adults as a group agreed to stop exchanging presents and now we all only buy for the kids. That means our parents don’t get us gifts, but we don’t buy them anything either. It works for our family because there are distinct generational divides with no adults still living at home or adults with minor siblings. It also works for our family because our gifting had become a voucher exchange.

So it’s normal not to get a gift, but it’s generally discussed and reciprocal.

Stop spending your money on the nasty fuckers! My dd is 31 and gets the same if not more for Xmas and birthdays - presents and coffees out etc...

She's being mean. I wouldn't buy for them

That's not normal and it's pretty sad. I'd be really upset if my parents didn't get me anything but I would also tell them. In fact I'd probably think it was a bit of a joke and I'd be saying. Ok not funny anymore where's my presents!

My mum n dad still give us just as much as before which is also too much. I've told her to cut us down as she spends so much on the kids but she doesn't. In laws are the same and we get given same amount of gifts as before.

I can only think she groups you as a unit and spends the same on each unit. So feels your DC should get that unit of spending. Some people buy for the adult until they have DC, then buy for the DC. But yes it's odd when it's your dm. I imagine doing that with my nephews and nieces, not my DC.

Horrible behaviour, and very odd. Would you consider just asking her, in a matter of fact way?

Thanks all. I do buy for my siblings but I think I will stop as they don’t buy anything for us or even the kids. I guess not having a job they cannot and I don’t really expect them to but I just feel that money is quite tight this year. Nothing has changed financially for us as we’ve not been furloughed or lost our jobs like some people but we’ve had a very expensive year with unforeseen costs at home (repairs etc) 😫😫

I think that your Mum is buying for your kids instead of you, so they get your 'allocation' IYCWIM. It doesn't sound like money is an issue though if they are splashing through cash on your siblings. I think I'd find it hard not to buy for my child when they are adults with families as I love buying gifts and seeing people open them.

I'm 40 but my parents still buy me a gift (not always something I'd like but I'm touched at the thought) as my Mum says that, if they didn't, I'd not get anything at all over Christmas - which is true and very thoughtful.

I'd be hurt by this too OP. This is really sad, especially when others in the family get stuff. As she is so blatant about it, I'd stop getting them anything. If she asks why just be honest and say 'you don't get me anything'.

You may have been given the role of black sheep - in which case protect yourself emotionally from now on. It is hard.

It’s been a problem for a few years but I’ve always shrugged it off. My mums not the easiest person to speak to. It’s a long running joke between me and hubby that I don’t get anything off my mum but as I’m getting older it’s starting to bug me. I’d be very happy with even a box of chocs.

If money was tight for them I wouldn’t be posting this but the truth is it’s not!

I do wonder if my siblings ever have children if they will get less then. I don’t really know. Because they always seemed to be favoured as I guess they are the family unit and I’m the much older black sheep of the family 🤣 that doesn’t have a dad or anything!

I wouldn't buy them any gifts just a card maybe. If your mum mentions it you could say times are tough and maybe a little bit of honesty is needed. Can you ask her why she never buys you anything and how it makes you feel. If she gets snippy with I would remind her that these things go two ways and that those siblings who she favours will be more than willing to look after her when she needs care. It sounds like that will most definitely won't be happening unless they have some sort of wakeup moment. I am in a forum for people caring for the elderly and have seen it time and time again. Elderly person needing care and family expecting one person to do it and they just get on with their lives not lifting a finger to help but can dish out the advice and criticism.

We still gift my husband's son at Christmas and he's 30

I’m in the exact same situation as you and it makes me sad too.

I’d be happy with a candle and a bottle of wine, but I get nothing. She never treats me to lunch or coffee either, but I know she treats other people. Money is not the issue.

I’m the same as you in that I try really hard to get thoughtful gifts. I’m getting a bit tired of it. I just feel hurt. Part of me thinks I should rise above it and still be thoughtful, the other part thinks I should forget it and buy her nothing.

How would your mum react if you stopped buying for her or dramatically reduced the amount you spent? I don’t think mine would care. She doesn’t even say thank you anyway.

It's mean & not normal.
We don't buy for adults in the family, but certainly parents & them for us even though they don't 'need' to.
I actually like it not because I'm materialistic but it's the only time of year I get anything more than a box of chocs/£5 flowers etc so I make a point of getting 'something' - it's about £50 but I appreciatd it so much.
I always give & wrap thoughtfully too. It's important to me.
It's mean, the Birthday too. plain mean & odd. It's not about money.
I'd buy them nothing.

Oh @MazDazzle, spend that money on yourself. Treat and comfort yourself 💜

I'd not be buying anything for mother and the rest of them. Your mother sounds like she's made of stone. I'm sorry that is how things are and you deserve better from her

I cannot imagine a mum not buying anything for her daughter, no matter the age. But I also can't imagine not having the bottle to ask her why she was being a cow. Just ask her and then make your decision. She may have some warped sense of logic in her head.

How hurtful. You obviously only want a little something that says "I am your mum and I thought of you" and I think she is being quite horrid to not even give you that.

Are all your other siblings your stepdads biological children. If so, that might have something to do with it but, saying that, I personally think that would make it even shittier of your DM though.

No that’s not normal, it’s terrible especially when she buys for your siblings.
If it was me I’d have to say something - mum why do you buy gifts for my brother and sisters but never for me?
It doesn’t matter that you have children. I’m 44 and still get presents

I would stop getting her gifts.
Sorry you feel pushed out op.

sorry to hear this @J1112. ah the psychology of gift giving! anyway I maybe feel your pain as I sometimes feel i am an older random as far as my mums 'newer' family is concerned. I found the best way through is to concentrate on the love and good things you do have in your life. if it gives you pleasure to give, give, maybe just a gesture present, or if you don't want to, don't. I'd maybe give a bottle of wine, chocs, which i would then make sure I ate and drank most of myself or a framed photo of myself hahaha