To think it would be nice to be given a gift from my mum.

[J1112]

Hi all, basically I am 30 soon and I have two children.

My mum buys the children a few gifts from her and my stepdad - I’ve never had my bio dad around. But I get nothing. Is it normal not to buy anything for Christmas or even birthdays from parents when you have children?!

Now I will probably be told I sound entitled or spoilt buy hear me out.. If money was tight I’d understand but it’s not. They are quite comfortable. I have 3 younger siblings quite a bit younger than me (late teens and early twenties) who live at home and they get HUNDREDS spent on them for Christmas etc. - new phones, consoles, iPads, clothes. You name it. The two older out of the three have never really had a job either. They need to get into the real world I think. I moved out at 19 and always had to be independent and buy my own things even before I moved out.

I have an okay relationship with my mum. Been a bit hit and miss in the past but have not fallen out for a long time. We see them regularly (well before covid we did). Not overly close but no major issues.

Aibu to expect at least something? She doesn’t even get me anything for my birthday!! Just to feel less pushed out. I know I’m nearly 30 but jeez.. my siblings gets everything on a plate.

My mil always buy myself and hubby a nice gift each or a gift voucher as well as the children! What’s the norm here?!

I spend a lot of time picking out gifts for my mum, stepdad and siblings when I haven’t really got much money this year - due to covid and many house repairs. Aibu to think bugger and it and not really buy them anything this year?!

I know you shouldn’t give to receive back but to a certain extent you should imo.

I just don’t understand. One Christmas we visited and my mum had bought gifts for my grandparents, her brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) but not for me or my hubby. Admittedly she did buy some things for the kids but even that wasn’t a lot!

Agree it may be she's giving your "allocation" to your kids. I have had this sort of in relation to gifts in wills from my grandparents and a parent. Both resulted in small gifts to my children but nothing to me which was fine on the one hand but sort of odd too. Could you ask her what is behind it? My mother said to me the other day: "What would you like for your birthday? Oh I suppose if you wanted anything you'd just get it yourself. Oh well" before I could even open my mouth. People is odd. Fact.

It's a bit of a risky strategy but you could say something along the lines of:

"Mum, it's been a bit of a tough year for us financially so we've decided that we are just going to buy presents for the DC this year. You don't buy for DH and I normally so that obviously wouldn't be any different and I understand if us not buying you, step dad and the siblings means you decide not to buy gifts for the GC's."

It gives you the chance to point out that she doesn't buy for you and DH (I know that seems really obvious that she would know that but it's possible that her hearing it might at least make her think about it) and gives her an out with buying for the GC if she really wants one. If she then doesn't buy for your DC I think you know where you stand with her.

Stop buying for anyone that doesn't buy for you. I think its true to not reciprocate gift giving tbh. And to not buy your own child a birthday present? How ridiculous.

I had this situation with my dad; nothing for my birthday this year, not even a card, and last year I got a book and a candle. My two older brothers (one still lives at home) get hundreds/thousands spent on them/given to them for birthdays and Christmas. I asked my dad about it a few months ago, burst into tears when I brought it up because I felt guilty and grabby bringing it up, but I do feel pushed out by it. He was totally shocked and didn't realise I felt that way, it's because I'm "more independent" than them apparently, and they ask for stuff. Tbh bringing it up didn't resolve the issue, I still feel pushed out. So solidarity OP, it sucks.

YANBU.

My mum doesn't get me a present and it really really bothers me

I just dont get your parents my children may be adults but they are still my children it's just so miserly
.are your younger siblings stepfather children is this maybe why they are acting like awful aresholes..yes my son with children gets a bit less but I spend the money on his children .but he still gets a good Christmas I tell them the budget and they give me some ideas. I just cant understand how anyone would do this to there child adult or not .

Wow Op that is is really mean, hurtful and definitely NOT normal.

Sorry but your Mum is a cow.

Stop buying for her and if she says anything bloody tell her why.

So sorry this is your situation.

@7yo7yo

I’d stop the gift giving. It’s not the receiving or even what you get, it’s the thought and sentiment behind a gift. Like someone cares for you. It’s what it represents. It seems you value the relationship more than her.

agree

I'm same. Parents haven't bought me birthday present or xmas present for years. Stopped buying me gifts in my late teens I think? Maybe 20s? And they'd give me cash of about £30 until I was in my early 30's then it suddenly stopped about 6 years ago. I was too embarrassed to bring it up but felt quite hurt by it. They used to give my husband same cash too. And that stopped at same time. I've always bought them gifts and carried on doing it for few years after and then couple of years ago just wondered why I was bothering so stopped. They didn't say anything, we just do cards now. They're very very well off. . I'm not well off (face value we seem ok but we're on a tight budget). I felt very conflicted by it; on one hand I felt grabby to expect a gift from my parents and the other hand I felt quite rejected. It's also embarrassing when my husbands family give each of us a small amount of cash at birthdays and Xmas but my husband doesn't get anything back? What's also awkward is that my DD is bit older so notices now and is confused by why my parents buy her gifts but not me, their daughter. I've just told her I have everything I want so they don't need to get me anything but when she's older I'll buy her gifts whether she's 20, 30 or in her 80s. She thinks it's sad as she's at the age where she's just learning to appreciate the value of giving.

We've never fallen out and it was very random how it stopped. No explanation for it. It took me a few years to accept and im still sad by it (but feel conflicted as I don't want to be grabby) I've no idea whether they get my older sibling anything.

Sympathies. I know how you're feeling. I'd stop buying gifts back and use the money to get yourself a little gift

My parents don't buy me presents and haven't since I was 18. They don't get the need for gifts and they're the same with my siblings and other relatives so it isn't just me. My mum gives me abit of money to buy each of my kids a present from them. They wouldn't choose something though.
It doesn't bother me as we didn't get big presents as kids and we're not materialistic. I don't buy for them now either.
Save yourself some trouble and don't buy for them and spend the money on something for yourself.

@J1112 that sucks

You deserve better. Definitely stop present buying for your mum and step dad.
If you feel you have to get something, then get a big sharing box of chocolates for all the family - job done.

It’s not kind and it’s a worry about how it will go with your DC too. Is it worth a chat about that? My experience is that my not so DM stopped buying for me and then after a few years stopped buying for my DC. They know not to expect anything now.

I buy for my children, their partners and grandchildren
I’d never leave one of my children out.
What an awful thing to do.

I have this. I stopped buying my mum presents and used to give a nice card but now I give nothing. She can't exactly say anything can she.

I don't think she's being particularly mean - just treating each of her children as a unit, and in your case buying for your children rather than you.
I appreciate that even a token gift would be nice, but say you have a partner and two children - does that mean spending four times as much on "you"?

It is very mean and abnormal.

She’s a tight fisted meany. Stop buying presents for all of them.

That's rotten
I'd just send a card this year.

It is hurtful. I feel for you. As you said it's not monetary, it's the thought. A book you'd like, some earrings, favourite chocolates etc. Something that says 'I saw this and thought of you'

I agree with the others, stop buying these gifts now. Use some of the money you would have spent on your mother, stepfather and especially the grown up siblings to get yourself a treat.

If going over there at Christmas, and you feel awkward, turn up with a box of biscuits or a tub of chocolates and announce it's for everyone.

I have ds27, sd26, sd24, dd12 and ds11. I spend around 250e each on the older 3 and about 30-50 on their SO's and then about 500e each on the younger ones. Dh spends around the same. I do spend more on the younger ones but their gifts always include clothes and trainers which I would be buying them anyway as a parent. I can't imagine not buying one of my children nothing unless it had been agreed for some reason with them. I can see how it must be hurtful to not have something to open.

Her children obviously don't get her "allocation" as her mum buys her sisters so much more.

That's really sad, op. Do on your side of the family everyone gets gifts except you?

Do your PILs get you something? Take that gift with you to your family's and say you thought you'd bring it so you have something to open too.

Do your siblings work?

The time has come to stop buying any of them presents. I would say to mum 'we're just buying for our children this year as it's been an expensive year for us - could you pass the message on?'. Please don't be passive-aggressive and say something snidey about her not buying for you anyway as it won't change her and will make you look petty. Send them all cards and never buy for any of them again - not even chocs. She has her family at home and sees you as independent. I couldn't do it but we're all different.

I think that's mean, did she buy you gifts until you had dc or did it stop before then?

my mum used to say she 'thought about getting us a bottle of champagne/box of chocolates' or whatever, but never did.. we used to joke that it was the thought that counts..

we bought her a hamper of foodie treats she would never buy for herself , a cardigan or something else warm, new slippers, some item she said she wanted or needed, took her out for a pre-Christmas meal, had her on the day itself, getting all her favourites to eat, waited on her hand and foot, took her for birthday/mothers day lunch, days out and holidays,

on my birthday she's give me £20 then join us for my lunch out, which we paid for, and her meal always ALWAYS cost way more than £20

not once did she ever show more than a token appreciation - in fact usually made it out as if we weren't really putting ourselves out for her.

never told me she loved me.. my goodness that hurt more than anything.

Thanks all. Just to clarify I would never expect that loads is spent on me. I’d be grateful for a small token gift.

I’m not sure about her budget. But I know my dc maybe get around £30-40 each spent on them from my mum and stepdad. Not too bad until you realise that my younger siblings probably have hundreds I would imagine. They tend to get an iPhone, clothes, shoes, consoles, iPads etc!

It’s just a whole different scenario with my in laws. I shouldn’t compare the 2 but mil always buys me something nice (or a voucher) so I always try and buy her something nice back but this year I’ll feel awful buying mil something better than I do my own mum but I feel mil really deserves something nice! 😫