To think it would be nice to be given a gift from my mum.

[J1112]

Hi all, basically I am 30 soon and I have two children.

My mum buys the children a few gifts from her and my stepdad - I’ve never had my bio dad around. But I get nothing. Is it normal not to buy anything for Christmas or even birthdays from parents when you have children?!

Now I will probably be told I sound entitled or spoilt buy hear me out.. If money was tight I’d understand but it’s not. They are quite comfortable. I have 3 younger siblings quite a bit younger than me (late teens and early twenties) who live at home and they get HUNDREDS spent on them for Christmas etc. - new phones, consoles, iPads, clothes. You name it. The two older out of the three have never really had a job either. They need to get into the real world I think. I moved out at 19 and always had to be independent and buy my own things even before I moved out.

I have an okay relationship with my mum. Been a bit hit and miss in the past but have not fallen out for a long time. We see them regularly (well before covid we did). Not overly close but no major issues.

Aibu to expect at least something? She doesn’t even get me anything for my birthday!! Just to feel less pushed out. I know I’m nearly 30 but jeez.. my siblings gets everything on a plate.

My mil always buy myself and hubby a nice gift each or a gift voucher as well as the children! What’s the norm here?!

I spend a lot of time picking out gifts for my mum, stepdad and siblings when I haven’t really got much money this year - due to covid and many house repairs. Aibu to think bugger and it and not really buy them anything this year?!

I know you shouldn’t give to receive back but to a certain extent you should imo.

I just don’t understand. One Christmas we visited and my mum had bought gifts for my grandparents, her brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) but not for me or my hubby. Admittedly she did buy some things for the kids but even that wasn’t a lot!

@GlowingOrb

On one side of my family, all of the adults as a group agreed to stop exchanging presents and now we all only buy for the kids. That means our parents don’t get us gifts, but we don’t buy them anything either. It works for our family because there are distinct generational divides with no adults still living at home or adults with minor siblings. It also works for our family because our gifting had become a voucher exchange.

So it’s normal not to get a gift, but it’s generally discussed and reciprocal.

I never understand this.

Makes sense for the parents of children to stop buying for each other and only buy for each other’s children.

But not reasonable to expect adults with no children and your own parents to buy for your children and just not bother to give them any gifts in return. It’s just so incredibly rude! Your family gains and you give nothing back.

The ‘children only’ rule should be one shared by parents of children only. By all means tell others to only buy for the children and not their parents - but then get them a gift of commensurate value in return. They are doing a kindness to your children......and even if they are too polite to say so, they will most likely secretly think the children’s parents are entitled and tight fisted to accept gifts from them and getting nothing back, as they have no children.

And op - your mum sounds horrid. You’re not being unreasonable and I would put some distance between your family and her.

I had a similar situation, I am older than my siblings and had children. My mum brought for my children and not me. She brought for my siblings who then lived at home she doesn't now as they have moved out. She did say that the money spent on me now goes on my children.

My mum buys gives me a gift for bday and Xmas.
I use all my spare time making sure she's OK, taking her shopping, days out etc. I also work full time.
In fact I do all the running around for my mum, I have 3 DSis but they don't help out with DM, none of them work full time, however when DM and I are out she's always buying gifts, nicknacks, things she thinks they'll need or enjoy and will openly say "I'll just get this as a treat for xxx"
Never has she bought me anything, she'll buy gifts for my sisters, which we then have to drive to each house to drop them off but it never occurs to her to buy me something even though I'm stood there 🙄 I'm like a taxi driver, just there to do her bidding, it's like I'm beside the point, not important, basically invisible until she need an unpaid taxi, it's very hurtful

I have two kids and my parents still buy for me, not as much as when I was a kid (which is to be expected) but they buy for my kids and I normally get some variance of Gin, a top, maybe some themed socks, chocolates, make up, perfume etc

I also have a brother that has no kids and he buys for me also and my kids.

Same with my auntie, she buys for me and my kids.

I buy for them all back also

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay did you not read op post she said her mum buys a small gift for her kids and spends hundreds on her siblings so thats not treating them the same

It’s definitely not the way gift giving is supposed to work.
How you choose to deal with it depends on how much fall-out you are prepared to endure. You could stop giving them presents and maybe they’ll accept it or maybe they will all be offended and make out you’re being the selfish one.
You could ask your mum why, but be prepared that a lot of people can react very illogically and unreasonably to being challenged even when you have a totally fair point.
Or, you could make it fun for yourself and buy them some absolute crap from the pound shop and make out it’s a well chosen, genuine gift.

We spend loads on our adult dc. Even when they have dc themselves. We also buy for their partners. They're the only people who we buy for apart from each other and a couple of token gifts.
I couldn't imagine leaving anyone out, my mum does though. She only buys for her favourites.

I would definitely stop buying for them all.

Also tell your mum how hurtful you find her treating your siblings better. You don’t need to bottle things up.

Our family do gifts only for the kids at Christmas (agreed by all) but we still do birthdays.

It’s shit and I’d be unhappy too but try to let it go because I don’t think there’s a lot you can do about it.

This has made me so sad. You are still your Mother's daughter and should be treated the same as your siblings, regardless of age. Every year I tell my Mum not to spend so much money on me but she says she enjoys it. I'm 30 (odd), married and have a child, my siblings are single with no children and we're all treated equally.

Do NOT buy them presents, use that extra money to treat yourself to something you maybe wouldn't, a nice spa day or something and enjoy!

Your mum is being pretty mean. No presents for adults? That’s fine in itself, but NOT if it just applies to only one adult (you). She sees you as less somehow and that really unkind. Feel no guilt in giving a nicer gift to your MIL - it sounds entirely justified to me.

No it’s not normal. My Mum usually gives us money or a bottle of gin and a toiletry set each for DH and I. We usually get her and her partner nice alcohol in return. My Grandad still sends me money for Christmas too, as does DH’s Grandad.

Your Mum is mean spirited. I’d stop sending her a gift personally.

It does sound like the spending value is weighted more towards your siblings even when you deduct the amount spent on your kids. Maybe the step dad as their father feels his money should go towards them. It’s very unfair

I would defo cut the siblings out. They are old enough to not need gifts unless they at least bought something for your kids

Continue to get something nice for MIL . She puts the effort in and you wouldn’t want her to start to feel unvalued

How hurtful. She’s not normal. Hugs xxx

Who earns the most money in your mum’s household? If it’s your stepdad that might explain (though not excuse) the financial disparity. But - not the lack of care. I’m sure you have a list as long as your arm of your younger half siblings being treated more favourably?

That's awful @J1112 and honestly you don't seem grabby at all, just a daughter who wants to understand why she's being treated differently.

I had 2 friends go through this, both had parents who thought she and partner shouldn't have had children so soon and so did it as a kind of punishment like I hope they don't expect us to fund their lifestyle kind of thing. Terrible really.

I'd scale back on your present giving. Don't waste your time or money. Focus on the family you've created. You've done nothing wrong.

@J1112
YANBU
I'm 26 I still get a present for my birthday and Christmas and I have one child same as my siblings (theres 5) my oldest brother is 31 no children he still gets a gift granted it's not "expensive" like my sisters who's still in teens at home but it's always somthing we need or want and ofc we always get a selection box and eggs on Easter.
I wouldn't buy her anything maybe a card if she says anything then you can either be truthful or say money's tights but I would be truthful,