New bed

[SoxN]

Please, I need some insight to ABU -

I will keep it brief, after a huge battle with finances, we have finally had a bit of money. Not lots, a few thousand, its good to have something in the bank after a huge struggle the past year.

Our bed broke about half a year ago, and we've slept on a mattress on the floor. Not ideal but it was our reality.

Ive been baying this money we have, as who knows with covid when we will have money again. Dp is self employed, I am SAHM.

Today DP randomly left, and 20 minutes later, £400 down, returns with a huge divan bed and mattress. So big none of my bedsheets fit it. No talking to me,.no pre-warning, no discussion- except for a couple of passing statements between us over the last week or so that we should buy a bed, and a few months ago, when we didn't have the money DP stopping at a shop and getting me to lie on a couple of mattresses, which I half arsed said were OK.

Ive gone from being livid, to being upset, to finding it somewhat funny, to livid and back to upset again now.

Im currently sat on massive bed, which is about meter from the floor, and the mattress is like a brick. Like sitting on a giant over sized brick.

DP is claiming im wrong to be upset, I treat him like shit (I absolutely do not), he was trying to do 'something nice', cant see what the problem is, that im disgusting etc.

AIBU? Would you be upset?
I feel like my wants, opinion or feelings don't matter one little bit, I cant decide if I'm justified in feeling this way, or if I should give my head a wobble and just try and get on with the horrible bed that I would never have chosen in a million years.

Anyone?
I know its a boring, seemingly first world problem but DP has just been upstairs again to tell me what a ungrateful and horrible person I am.

I would be upset too! £400 is a big purchase (especially after recent money worries) and I’d be sleeping on it so I would want a say.

A mattress is something you should both be present to road test. Does he think you should try to sleep on something that makes you uncomfortable just to maintain his sense of spontaneity?

YANBU op I can see he tried to do a nice thing for you BUT we wouldn't buy a bed without both of us there to try it out etc etc very silly of him got to make sure mattress is suitable for you both .

I totally get where you're coming from and I would be miffed too. Explain to your husband that you wanted to be involved in the choice as you ultimately spend half your life on your bed...
in this scenario, I'd be buying a mattress topper of my choice and some nice bedding and try to see the funnier side of it.

At least you get some extra storage with the divan drawers! That's not a bad thing :)

awww beds are one thing you should decide together in the shop but at least he tried to do something nice. if the mattress is too firm put an old duvet if you have one under the sheet surprising what difference it makes, our bed is a king sized divan and way off the floor you get used to jumping into bed and a drop back to the floor

YANBU - you should definitely have had input on a new bed, that’s a major purchase and you have to sleep in it too! And your DP is being an arse about the whole thing.

Can you exchange it for one you both like?

Tbh I'd love for DH to go out and do something like that on his own. Just not having to do anything but go to bed in a new bed, heaven.
I think it feels very different because you've been sleeping on the floor.
You can manage tonight and he can get the proper bedding tomorrow.

How frustrating - he thought he was being helpful, but if he's never been uncomfortable in any bed he probably hasn't realised how much mattresses vary, and of course he's never realised that they come in different sizes and a new size means two complete new sets of bedding...
(When we went from rented flat to our own house, we had a bed from in-laws, and it was a shock to us to discover it was a different size and we had no bedding to fit it.)

I'd suggest sleeping on the decision (and the old mattress) rather than the bed, and see whether exchange is an option in the morning.

Oh thank you MN for replying.

For background information, DP is generally quite controlling in the past, and hes very good at telling me that I am wrong to feel how I feel, it messes with my head as im sure IANBU here - ive even said, its a bed, we needed one, we needed a mattress, it's fine, it's here... but hes so mad with me that I wasn't happy about it.

To PP who said at least there's storage, prehaps I have got it wrong, there's no storage, it just a big hard grey box you out together and a mattress on top (it's so ugly)..

Hes now repeatedly coming upstairs to tell me everything he does is for me, that he can't belive that I'm so unreasonable/ungrateful to him... all whilst, I am sat on the bloody bed.

Thanks MN for helping me keep my head straight on this and realise my feelings are valid.

I’d be so cross. A bed needs to be comfortable to you - sleep is so important. And he’s being an arsehole to you now.

To add, the mattress we had before was the same one i had new before my son was born (7), the first ever thing i brought myself new.

This one is only the second 'new' bed I've ever had.

Am I crazy to feel, he hauled it out and took it to the dump, and I felt so emotional to say "goodbye"
I was absolutely not prepared for any of this and that i had no say on the replacement made it even harder.

I watched him take it from the bedroom window and felt overwhelming sadness.

Honestly, am I just totally OTT? I cant gauge it.

I would go apeshit and make him return it.
A bed that you share is a joint purchase and decision. If he thinks he can make a unilateral decision like that, totally disregarding you then I suggest he takes the bed and leaves with it. To then make you feel shit for not being grateful has red flags all over it. Sorry

I'd be angry that he made a major purchase without getting your in-put. A bed is very personal. What one person likes will not suit someone else. You at least needed to be consulted. It's not something that's easily returned, either.

He's wrong to think that you should be grateful. It's family money that he spent without discussion. He wasn't doing you a favour by cutting you out of the decision.

Hes claiming its just a mattress and its his right to buy a mattress and he can't see my problem, will take the whole thing to the tip tommorow and I can choose one I like - knowing that obviously that never going to happen.
Hes now got into bed, and the only bonus i can see right now is the mattress is so bloody huge there's a meter gap between us.

I really should have made him take it straight back when he brought it, but hes so good at making me feel that im not reasonable, I let him take it upstairs. I feel so stupid now, im the one stuck with it and hes going to be sleeping comfortably and happily.

I'd be very unhappy and upset too. Aside from the money spent, it's a decision that should be made together.

To be fair OP whilst I don't agree with tje confeolling tendency you were both sleepingnon the floor and now you have a proper bed. At £400 that's pretty good value.

He called you "disgusting" because you disagreed with him, OP?

Right, well if he has a right to buy something like that then so do go. Go online just now and buy yourself a mattress topper from amazon. It will be there by Friday.
Get a good 4 inch or so of memory foam with padding etc. A nice comfy one.

If he can do this, so can you.

@OhTheRoses

To be fair OP whilst I don't agree with tje confeolling tendency you were both sleepingnon the floor and now you have a proper bed. At £400 that's pretty good value.

I have tried every silver lining i can, and this was one of them. £400 on a mattress and bed is pretty good, I guess, and anything an improvement from sleeping on the floor, although I actually didn't mind sleeping on the floor Although I'm bloody tempted to go sleep on the sofa tbh.

You have every right to be upset as a bed needs to be chosen by both of you. You do spend a third of your life in one. I would be right royally pissed off if DH did this but then I know he wouldn't do something like this. We would both go bed shopping together as we did when buying a new bed when we did a loft conversion. He did once buy a new mattress for the spare bed but we have bed frames so only need to replace mattresses and he did get a really good price as it was memory foam and he did consult with me before purchase.

Maybe he thought he was doing a really nice thing, thinking of you both....

Still, 33% of people seem to think IABU, but the post replies don't reflect this?

I think your emotional reaction to the old mattress going isn't usual, but if this man gaslights and controls you as you've suggested, there's so much more tied up in it, it was something you chose and that's not something you get to do anymore. DH knows better than to ever pull this kind of stunt, but I have friends whose partners are a bit showboaty and might do it in a misguided grand gesture, this however doesn't sound like that at all.