New bed

[SoxN]

Please, I need some insight to ABU -

I will keep it brief, after a huge battle with finances, we have finally had a bit of money. Not lots, a few thousand, its good to have something in the bank after a huge struggle the past year.

Our bed broke about half a year ago, and we've slept on a mattress on the floor. Not ideal but it was our reality.

Ive been baying this money we have, as who knows with covid when we will have money again. Dp is self employed, I am SAHM.

Today DP randomly left, and 20 minutes later, £400 down, returns with a huge divan bed and mattress. So big none of my bedsheets fit it. No talking to me,.no pre-warning, no discussion- except for a couple of passing statements between us over the last week or so that we should buy a bed, and a few months ago, when we didn't have the money DP stopping at a shop and getting me to lie on a couple of mattresses, which I half arsed said were OK.

Ive gone from being livid, to being upset, to finding it somewhat funny, to livid and back to upset again now.

Im currently sat on massive bed, which is about meter from the floor, and the mattress is like a brick. Like sitting on a giant over sized brick.

DP is claiming im wrong to be upset, I treat him like shit (I absolutely do not), he was trying to do 'something nice', cant see what the problem is, that im disgusting etc.

AIBU? Would you be upset?
I feel like my wants, opinion or feelings don't matter one little bit, I cant decide if I'm justified in feeling this way, or if I should give my head a wobble and just try and get on with the horrible bed that I would never have chosen in a million years.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Right, well if he has a right to buy something like that then so do go. Go online just now and buy yourself a mattress topper from amazon. It will be there by Friday. Get a good 4 inch or so of memory foam with padding etc. A nice comfy one.

If he can do this, so can you.

I might just do this... I think its a good way of balancing out our preferences.. my only concern is the mattress is already absolutely huge, as is the actual bed. Im on 5ft 3, im already jumping down at a height from this bed, won't the extra foam make it even higher.

I feel like the princess and the pea, right now.

The only other thing I can think of is a new bed frame prehaps. All just extra costs that we cant afford, though.

Dp is actaully sleeping soundly
Its not helping.

It's bizarre behaviour on his part.

If you can't return or exchange it then I second those suggesting a mattress topper.

You may as well sleep comfortably while you work out whether you want to give him a chance to make things work if he's bwing such an arse.

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit

I think your emotional reaction to the old mattress going isn't usual, but if this man gaslights and controls you as you've suggested, there's so much more tied up in it, it was something you chose and that's not something you get to do anymore. DH knows better than to ever pull this kind of stunt, but I have friends whose partners are a bit showboaty and might do it in a misguided grand gesture, this however doesn't sound like that at all.

Thanks, I didnt think it was a usual reaction to have, either, and more of a reaction of someone who feels out of control. Its hard to gauge if my feelings are valid, or unusual.

Wow. I’m your DH I think. We needed a new bed. We’d made passing comments , yes need a new bed should really get one make sure it matches our dressers for about a week. So I go online and I order new bed and mattress. Job done. I tell DH new bed and mattress ordered and will arrive in 4-5 days and he’s happy he didn’t have to do anything about it (other than build it when it arrived). But we both hate shopping.

Did you two just have a communication failure? With DH and I we take comments agreeing we need something as an executive decision that then means one of us can go ahead and act- do what is needed.

I'd be fuming. Can you send it back?

@PlanDeRaccordement

This is onviaoily about more than just the bed.

It also sounds as though for you, a bigger purchase usnt a big deal. It is to them with their finances the way they have been. And it sounds like you and your husband had already actually agreed a type of bed to match etc. These two hadn't.
Perhaps the OP could have engaged more when trying out mattresses a few weeks ago, but I'm thinking that she didnt because her opinion doeant matter much when she gives it.

If your current bedding doesn't fit then you need more, have a look at dunelm or similar and choose something that you like. You may as well get new pillows as well, make sure yours are super comfortable. A valance will help to hide the base and coordinate the bed.
Obviously you will do this by yourself so you can surprise him with your bright pink, extra fluffy, totally not his style thoughtful and well planned colour scheme.

To clarify about the testing of mattresses a while ago, DP pulled the car over at bed shop, lay on some mattresses, whilst bed shop owner hovered over him chatting. I made some none committal "theyre ok" noises, at the time of this bed shop visit, we were behind on the rent by a couple of months, and we couldn't afford a new bed, or a mattress, so I half humoured DP whilst wondering why he was even bothering, when we were potentially being evicted.

I had no idea the 10 minutes in a cheap bed shop would actually wind up being £400 spent without any actual input from me.

I’m gonna say both.

It’s unreasonable to expect your partner to sleep on the floor just because you think a bed isn’t a necessary expense (it is) and he obviously did try to do something nice for you (aren’t women always complaining that everything is left up to them) but yes, you should have been consulted

So you know divans are generally much cheaper in terms of beds (and £400 isn’t alot- I paid £600 just for my mattress) as they come as a complete unit so maybe he was using his brain when he thought he would buy cheap and quality didn’t really come into it.

Just get a mattress topper- it’s probably cause you’re used to sleeping on an old mattress.

@SarahG6383

I’m gonna say both.

It’s unreasonable to expect your partner to sleep on the floor just because you think a bed isn’t a necessary expense (it is) and he obviously did try to do something nice for you (aren’t women always complaining that everything is left up to them) but yes, you should have been consulted

So you know divans are generally much cheaper in terms of beds (and £400 isn’t alot- I paid £600 just for my mattress) as they come as a complete unit so maybe he was using his brain when he thought he would buy cheap and quality didn’t really come into it.

Just get a mattress topper- it’s probably cause you’re used to sleeping on an old mattress.

Thank you for a different POV, I should have said I absolutely don't expect DP to sleep on the floor, and absolutely think beds are necessary (although I dont mind sleeping on the floor, but aware im an absolute minority) this post wouldn't exist if DP had said

"Hey sox, let's look for a bed today"

And we have both skipped off to various bed shops to find something for us both.

Can he really be so daft that he genuinely thinks he was doing something nice? He cannot see anything from my POV at all, but hes obviously enjoying his new bed as he's asleep and snoring, and im typing here

Wait till he’s out and ring the shop- most beds are on a 30 trial these days - find out- if it is bingo get rid and go together to properly choose. You are completely right to be pissed off

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Yes, having read the full thread the bed seems to be a red herring for larger relationship issues. Communication looks like an issue, as to why that is, no idea. You might be right that she’s just going along because she doesn’t think her real opinions will listened to.

I do think that him being upset and calling her names because she didn’t like his choice is very wrong though. It’s a risk you take when you are the one doing the task of selecting and ordering for both of you. I’m a bit wiser and always make sure something can be returned if my DH hates my choice.

Well, its going on for 2am and neither of us have slept.

The mattress is an orthopaedic extra firm thing, and we are both of small build. In a cruel, but deserved twist of fate... DP hates new mattress and has took himself off downstairs to sleep on the sofa! I am also struggling but hoping that prehaps I can switch off and get some sleep.

DP is claiming he will buy a new mattress tommorow! Not that we can afford another one, but can't see any other way around it tbh.

You may be able to return the mattress. And while you’re at it, return the divan bed if it’s too big and ugly. Have you looked at Wayfair online? They are very well priced and good quality for beds. Hope you get some sleep.

Where did he buy it from? You couldn’t really go bed shopping at the minute anyway depending where you live.

YANBU - and that’s karma for you op. Though it’s a pisser he’s wasted your money.
I’d have been hugely fucked off in yes first place that he bought such an important purchase without involving me, and now it’s led to a waste of money.
Before he does just go and buy another mattress - and I’d be telling him to hold his horses right there, you need to be involved in that one - is it worth calling the original shop and seeing if you can exchange.

Thanks for late night replies....
DP came back upstairs with blankets to lie on... so after realising this isn't getting any better and my knees and hip are suffering, I am now downstairs on the sofa, tbh ill likely sleep better being away from him, as I'm still a mixture of upset and fuming.

He brought it from some little independent discount bed shop. I remember it from the visit. I honestly didn't take those apparently crucial 10 minutes in there thinking what a load of rubbish seriously enough as my DP obviously thought he had found bed paradise.

I certainly won't be letting him buy another mattress without me being there. Ive already asked him if he can return/exchange... he is unsure as "its out of the package"

The waste of money really isn't funny. Not so long ago we were so broke we faced eviction, I was just happy to have a nest egg. Now by the time this fiasco is done with half of it will be gone, and the nature of his work isn't always guaranteed and especially in this current climate.

....hopefully I will finally get some sleep on the sofa (although I must add our sofa isn't great either!) I can hear him tossing and turning upstairs now though, so at least he isn't sound asleep again.

Well if you can’t get your money back, maybe you can sell it on Gumtree and get most of it back. Hopefully this instant karma will teach him you work better as a team when it comes to beds!

Will try gumtree or shpock, if we can't return. Just in experience "second hand" mattresses/beds dont sell well... honestly, I feel so disheartened (and tired!!)

Weve had quite a few conversations/arguments (apparently, he still cannot understand why I'm upset, and the bed has "ruined his life and his relationship" - this is a man in his 50s by the way....) tonight, as he's disturbed me several times to talk about how much I dont appreciate what he's done (???) And ive said he is absolutely never to make a big purchase like this without consulting me, first.

Hopefully a hard and expensive lesson learned. I'm just gutted I've had to go along for the ride too

I feel your pain. Hard mattresses are horrible. Sadly a mattress topper will not make it any softer.

Thanks for reply @oddbutnotodd

Ive had an uncomfortable night on the sofa and I can only assume the same for him in that bed (he has left for work, must have been quite early.)

So, having only ever brought a mattress and bed once in my lifetime, and that was a memory foam mattress on a lowish bed, will a memory foam topper make no difference on this orthopaedic very firm mattress?

I have a condition that makes my body more prone to bruising than most people, and could feel the pressure on my knees and hips on this mattress. Obviously I don't want to spend money on a topper when it won't make any difference and our only option is to replace fully in reality.

Any bed/mattress experts on thread?

Also does a divan style box make these mattresses even harder? Honestly, I felt like I was lying on a very high up brick last night. Will changing the bed not improve the mattress?

So no, the bed frame doesn’t affect the mattress. It’s just there to support the weight.

Memory foam mattresses are the cheapest and are soft but they don’t support your joints or back. You’ll sleep ok, but might wake up with aches and pains.

A hybrid mattress that is both supportive and soft would be ones called “pocket memory” these are a pocket sprung mattress with a memory foam top. Follow this link, the Wayfair page even if you don’t buying from them lists each mattress and whether it is medium or soft. Steer away from firm mattresses as that’s what you have now and are finding it uncomfortable. Once you find one you like the sound and look of, you can then price check with other shops.
www.wayfair.co.uk/mattresses/sb0/pocket-memory-mattresses-c1849922.html

Return the damned thing then find a bed that suits you both.

Divan beds and mattresses like that remind me of renting furnished flats and spending every night miserable. £400 is certainly not a good deal for you're buying a bed for yourself and not just trying to furnish somewhere to let. I'd have gone absolutely mental and wouldn't let it through the door.

I'm not a mattress expert but mine is a box spring mattress with a memory foam layer on top, comfortable but supportive. I struggle to leave it in the morning.

We struggled to buy a new bed for less than £700 so wondering where he got that amazing deal! But yes, would be cross I wasn’t consulted but wonder (if anything like my husband) that he was just ‘problem solving’ and trying to be helpful is his own weird way?