Partner’s drinking...is it too much?

[HungryHippo1234]

Bit of background, been with my OH for 2.5 years, lived together for almost a year. We’re saving for a house.

We’ve had ongoing arguments because he drinks quite a lot of a week (in my opinion). It seems like he drinks every second day so one week it’ll be 4 days out the week and the next week it will be 3 days, if you’re counting out of seven. He’ll drink a bottle of buckfast and 4 cans of beer each time. He doesn’t eat when he’s been drinking so if there’s dinner planned, I eat alone. I don’t drink during the week and I’ve lost interest in doing it every weekend now. When we first got together we would get drunk in the house or go to the pub each weekend and a good time was had. He also used to drink every single night when he was married as a way to deal with how miserable his life was. This is a habit he got into and although he has cut down now, it irks me that he still drinks quite a lot.

After a huge fight over September weekend when he went out drinking to wet his friends new baby’s head and didn’t text or call to let me know he was staying out for 2 days, he promised he would stay off the alcohol to prove to me that he didn’t need it. He did do this but it seems like in the 2/3 weeks since that month ended he’s reverted right back to drinking every second night. I don’t enjoy being intimate with him when he’s drunk and I’m sober so our sex life has taken a big dip. And it’s also been affected because we always end up arguing about how often he drinks so we can go days not talking which also obviously affects intimacy. He’s a bad snorer anyway but after a drink he’s worse. I have a sleep disorder so I really need my sleep so him disrupting it with his drunken snoring is seriously annoying.

Apart from this one thing, we have a really good relationship. The month he spent off the drink was brilliant, no arguments, our sex life got back to the way it was in the beginning and we seemed to reconnect and I enjoyed spending time with him and just chatting and having dinner together, going to bed together at the same time etc. I felt excited by him again instead of dreading him coming home with a carry out.

He really is a good guy, he’s funny, kind, very hardworking, a good dad to his daughter, he’s more than helpful to my family, he joins in and makes an effort, we get on so well when we’re not arguing about his drinking and I know he loves me more than anything.

I guess my question is, does his drinking seem excessive to anyone else or have I just got a bee in my bonnet about it because of issues with his hard partying in the very early days of our relationship, I’ve equated it with him being disrespectful and prioritising drinking over my feelings in the relationship?

I do feel like I’m being slightly unreasonable, he works hard, is out the door at 6am every day and doesn’t get back till after 5 every night. But I just feel like every second night is a tad excessive.

I wouldn’t mind one night during the week and a night at the weekend and then I could join him. But I feel like because he does it so often, it puts me off enjoying joining in even when I do feel like it.

Buy him a breathalyser and get him to use it before he drives in the morning. AlcoSense do reliable, reusable ones and they start at about £45 on Amazon.

If he is a decent person he will agree to it. If he is a decent person and realises he is still over the limit, he won't drive. If he is a decent person this will make him think about the amount he is drinking and agree to cut down. If he refuses to do this, he isn't a decent person and you shouldn't feel bad about ending the relationship. But the advice to just chuck him because he drinks more than he should isn't helpful.

Okay OP, you clearly want to stay with him. So set a time limit - 12 months maybe or 24. Then re-evaluate. Has he cut his drinking right down? Is it all working out? Are you happy? Or are you still having to make excuses?

But do not have a child with him. Don't lumber another child with a drunk for a father, as I did to my eternal regret. Don't marry him until he's been teetotal for a couple of years at least.

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

It was more my reaction to it I think, I went from 0-100, packed his bags and took them to him. I did tell him not to come back but he did, stayed off the drink for a month to prove to me and has just reverted back. But when I posted that time I included the background and people chose to ignore that in order to jump on me and say I was being abusive by not talking to him in the aftermath of the argument around this event 🤷🏽‍♀️

It is a heavily ingrained culture in his village. The only shop has a full fridge dedicated to Buckfast and it’s always fully stocked. Any time you’re in it, you see men collecting their papers and their bottle for the day. Men finishing work at 1pm on a Friday getting two bottles from the shop at that time in the afternoon.

@IamTomHanks thanks for your reply, I know exactly how fickle MN’s can be. Depending on how they feel on the day and how judgemental or nasty PP’s have been, they think it gives them free reign to pile on and repeat the same things without much actual helpful advice. That’s why I tend to reply to the people who have something constructive to say whether it’s something I want to hear nor not.

I’ve sent him a text detailing how I feel and making it clear that I can’t ignore it anymore, no matter how much I love him. He’s got two options, stop or leave. And I’m sticking to it this time, I realise it’ll be all the more difficult to untangle ourselves if we actually do a buy a house so it’s now or never.

My husband drinks 4 cans of Carling every night of the week.
So that’s 7 nights a week.

He starts around 10pm and stops around 2.30am

Weekends I expect it’s a can or two more.

We talked about it once, he agreed it was ‘probably’ too much, stopped drinking for about 5 days, since then it’s been back to 7 nights a week. To me that says he can’t ‘not’ have several drinks every night.

I’ve no idea what the norm is, that’s the issue. Do other men drink cans of beer every night? Or not?

I don’t drink, maybe a Baileys at Christmas.

I had an alcoholic grandparent I used to look after. I know all the little ways and foibles alcoholics use, and the escalations. I see it happening, but if I discuss it he gets defensive, so I just forget about it now.

I hate the smell of booze on him, but he also smokes and I hate the smell of that too. Invariably I’ve just stopped kissing him altogether now because of the smoke smell. We’ve only been married a year, it’s a shame.

@giantangryrooster
@contrmary
@Mintjulia

Thank you for your measured responses. You have given me some good points that I shall consider. Though I don’t really want to give him a 1-2 year time limit as we’re almost at the stage where we will be buying the house and I don’t want to make it more difficult to extricate myself if he can’t/won’t cut it down. I probably shouldn’t have let it get to this stage but when we met I was quite the party girl and enjoyed dating and getting drunk every second weekend with him. I didn’t ever think I would end up at the stage of house buying or considering children tbh. It’s only since we started on this track that the drinking has become a bigger issue for me I realise now.

I’m not young but this is my first really serious relationship. As in, buying houses and thinking about kids. I’ve spent my life running away from men that I deemed not perfect that I guess I’m worried if I do it again, that’s it for me children and life wise. So that may be clouding my vision slightly aswell.

Well done for sending that text.
It is not so much the amount he drinks as the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable /unhappy /uneasy.
I'm widowed. My first husband was a big drinker. There were times it made me unsettled. I was concerned he was dependent. Although the alcohol didn't cause his death as such, without going into detail, there is a link between the cause of his death and the alcohol.
I'm now married again and I'm starting to see all the times that I normalised and minimalised the amount that he drank. My new husband only drinks on social occasions and as a result this makes it more obvious to me how much of a problem my first husband had

The liver specialist who treated George best was on R4 saying alcoholics livers switch to a different chemical process to metabolise alcohol and when that’s happened they don’t get a hangover like I would as a non-drinker.

[quote HungryHippo1234]@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

We’ve saved almost 10k since January (mostly him as he works full time) he’s started working 7 days recently as well so that we can get a house faster, this urgency has been created by the need to provide a home with a room for his daughter so she has privacy and fees able to come whenever she pleases (if not, live with us full time).

@onwheels this is my issue and why I’m asking on here if IABU. He pulls his weight, he’s a grafter, he’s saved almost 10% deposit we need for our house in 11 months and he’s never horrible or abusive to me. I don’t know if I’m being nit picky. Given that he’s massively cut down since I met him and we’re still a fairly new relationship, I wonder if once we buy a house and maybe if we had kids of our own, he wouldn’t feel the need to drink as much.[/quote]
Bit late by then...

And if he wants to go to court to get residency for his DC it would be good if his ex can't use his drinking against him

Well done OP. Don’t back down now.

But you can also get support and help:
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

It's having a negative impact on you , I'd separate from him for your own sake but beware the I'll change , I'll stop drinking because he will but only for a time then you will be stuck in a cycle of this for ever

@nimbuscloud

It is excessive. I would not continue in this relationship.

What kind of idiot leaps to 'Leave him!'. This is why people should never ask advice on a public forum.