Partner’s drinking...is it too much?

[HungryHippo1234]

Bit of background, been with my OH for 2.5 years, lived together for almost a year. We’re saving for a house.

We’ve had ongoing arguments because he drinks quite a lot of a week (in my opinion). It seems like he drinks every second day so one week it’ll be 4 days out the week and the next week it will be 3 days, if you’re counting out of seven. He’ll drink a bottle of buckfast and 4 cans of beer each time. He doesn’t eat when he’s been drinking so if there’s dinner planned, I eat alone. I don’t drink during the week and I’ve lost interest in doing it every weekend now. When we first got together we would get drunk in the house or go to the pub each weekend and a good time was had. He also used to drink every single night when he was married as a way to deal with how miserable his life was. This is a habit he got into and although he has cut down now, it irks me that he still drinks quite a lot.

After a huge fight over September weekend when he went out drinking to wet his friends new baby’s head and didn’t text or call to let me know he was staying out for 2 days, he promised he would stay off the alcohol to prove to me that he didn’t need it. He did do this but it seems like in the 2/3 weeks since that month ended he’s reverted right back to drinking every second night. I don’t enjoy being intimate with him when he’s drunk and I’m sober so our sex life has taken a big dip. And it’s also been affected because we always end up arguing about how often he drinks so we can go days not talking which also obviously affects intimacy. He’s a bad snorer anyway but after a drink he’s worse. I have a sleep disorder so I really need my sleep so him disrupting it with his drunken snoring is seriously annoying.

Apart from this one thing, we have a really good relationship. The month he spent off the drink was brilliant, no arguments, our sex life got back to the way it was in the beginning and we seemed to reconnect and I enjoyed spending time with him and just chatting and having dinner together, going to bed together at the same time etc. I felt excited by him again instead of dreading him coming home with a carry out.

He really is a good guy, he’s funny, kind, very hardworking, a good dad to his daughter, he’s more than helpful to my family, he joins in and makes an effort, we get on so well when we’re not arguing about his drinking and I know he loves me more than anything.

I guess my question is, does his drinking seem excessive to anyone else or have I just got a bee in my bonnet about it because of issues with his hard partying in the very early days of our relationship, I’ve equated it with him being disrespectful and prioritising drinking over my feelings in the relationship?

I do feel like I’m being slightly unreasonable, he works hard, is out the door at 6am every day and doesn’t get back till after 5 every night. But I just feel like every second night is a tad excessive.

I wouldn’t mind one night during the week and a night at the weekend and then I could join him. But I feel like because he does it so often, it puts me off enjoying joining in even when I do feel like it.

It seems as if your inclination is to stay with him? Do you plan to have a child ?

He has a drink problem. That's his to sort out.

You said he drank when with his ex because he was miserable.

What is his reason for drinking now he is with you?

He drinks a lot. He goes on binges and expects you not to be annoyed. He doesn't care about your sex life, he's not bothered that you don't like him when he's drunk. He knows your relationship is better when he is sober.

But he prefers to drink.

There is nothing you can do about that. He has to decide that for himself.

It sounds cruel, unfeeling and downright nasty but you have to decide whether or not you will live like this forever, watching him get worse and worse, spending time, money, emotions on his issues.

Most people who are faced with this try hard to save their alcoholic. The cost to themselves is usually frighteningly high.

Which is why those of us who have been through it try very hard to persuade people at the beginning not this to put themselves first. To accept they can't save their alcoholic and that the cost to them will be far, far too high.

His ex has made that decision. I bet she is in a far better place than she was with him! You can be too.

There are lots of clues here which confirm that he is an alcoholic:

• a regular pattern of drinking large amounts
• what he is drinking (i had to google buckfast - omg - who would drink a bottle of that stuff...)
• fact that he does not eat when is drinking (big clue)
• he is not hungover the next day

ExW of an alcoholic here.

OP, you’re deluding yourself, he’s a drunk. No point saying any more as you aren’t ready to accept it yet. You’ll realise one day that you’ve been kidding yourself and it’ll be shit. Nothing anyone can do in the mean time.

Since you've had replies you've done nothing but defend him. It's your life.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

We’ve saved almost 10k since January (mostly him as he works full time) he’s started working 7 days recently as well so that we can get a house faster, this urgency has been created by the need to provide a home with a room for his daughter so she has privacy and fees able to come whenever she pleases (if not, live with us full time).

@onwheels this is my issue and why I’m asking on here if IABU. He pulls his weight, he’s a grafter, he’s saved almost 10% deposit we need for our house in 11 months and he’s never horrible or abusive to me. I don’t know if I’m being nit picky. Given that he’s massively cut down since I met him and we’re still a fairly new relationship, I wonder if once we buy a house and maybe if we had kids of our own, he wouldn’t feel the need to drink as much.

His ex still doesn’t cook and though her house isn’t a tip, it could be better. His daughter exists on takeaways and processed food when she’s with her mother. Her mother also doesn’t spend any time with her and there seems to have been some safeguarding concerns raised now she’s in high school regarding this.

Where have you heard this safeguarding stuff from? Having a messy house and eating mainly take away and processed food isn’t going to be of any interest to social services.

I have to say that an alcoholic fighting his ex for custody isn’t going to have the easiest time.

Ah! I missed your last couple of posts whilst I was dealing with the dog and typing.

You are clinging to.him and his version of events. His ex may be all sorts of things, including a shit cook, but she didn't cause him to become a prodigious drinker. He did that.

I am sorry for you, like others I can see that you are not yet ready to see clearly what your logic is trying to tell you.

Best of luck

Given that he’s massively cut down since I met him and we’re still a fairly new relationship, I wonder if once we buy a house and maybe if we had kids of our own, he wouldn’t feel the need to drink as much.

Oh my goodness.
You are so deluded it is almost unreal.

How can you possibly think this will be true? Spend five minutes on here looking at threads from women with alcoholic partners and at one time they all thought the same.

Nothing will stop an alcoholic drinking until they want to change, and that won’t come from having a nicer life.

OP, are you in Scotland? I'd say it is only a matter of time before he is picked up one morning for drink driving.

He has a problem and it will only get worse if he doesn't get help. Things like staying out for two days will happen more often.

i think it would be more sensible to rely on him not changing his habits. work out if you can live with that.

my dh was a huge drinker but not as much as yours and it pissed me off, really did. we were both huge party people and drinkers before children so i understood the urge to binge. i found his behaviour annoying/silly/stupid/unattractive when he'd reached the 1.5 bottle of wine stage, then pouring a whiskey.

they have to change themselves and unfortunately there is a huge alcohol culture/normalisation of getting hammered at home. i found it really hard over lockdown 1.0 and it is hard to get yourself on the track and stay. you can't change him, he has to do it,

i think you should assume he wont change and work out if you can live with that and the risks eg drink driving/poor parenting.

Given that he’s massively cut down since I met him and we’re still a fairly new relationship, I wonder if once we buy a house and maybe if we had kids of our own, he wouldn’t feel the need to drink as much.and

I'm sorry but if you really believe this then you have lost touch with reality.

Come on. That is not how alcoholism works.

Have you really never read any of the hundreds of threads on here by women who convinced themselves all they needed for their fantasy future to come true was to want it - regardless of the fact the man they were with had nothing in common with the man in their fantasy? Because those women all appear after the baby has arrived, miserable and exhausted asking why the man has not magically transformed into their fantasy man.

Do you have form for trying to rescue people?

You're making excuses for him. The issue with his daughter and his ex is obscuring what this thread is really about and that is: if you're willing to live with someone who will always put alcohol before anything else?

You went from giving us a glimpse of the dysfunctionality of your relationship with him and his with drink to defending him pretty quickly. Look up co-dependancy.

"I wonder if once we buy a house and maybe if we had kids of our own, he wouldn’t feel the need to drink as much".

You would be utterly insane to think ANYTHING external will make him stop drinking. Please don't take yourself down this path.

I know people may share their own experiences (and some may be horrific),on this thread and you'll think "that's not my dp". The exact details may not be but the pattern is, if you really look. I hope you see it now and act rather than later.

You may have the house and his daughter with you if you move, but I guarantee he'll then find a new reason for drink so much.

This will be your life op, unless he decides to change. Make peace with that or move on.

*drinking

OK OP, well best of luck to you. Personally if I only saw my kids EOW and had safeguarding concerns about their primary residency and felt that this could be most quickly resolved by saving money to buy/rent a bigger house and get a second car, I wouldn't be throwing away hundreds of pounds a month on booze, and if I did I wouldn't expect anyone to describe me as a brilliant mum. But maybe that's just me 🙄 Hope it works out for you.

job loss due to drink driving or caught over the limit is another risk too. as it seriously injuring someone or himself if he had an accident.

but you know all this.

my husband drank on a work night 1 night a week but always had a lift or got on the train.

@PurpleDaisies

She was pulled out of class during the school day by an adult she has never met before (not one of her teachers) and they were asking her questions regarding her home life and who takes care of her, cooks her dinner etc. She was confused but said the person had said they’d been told she doesn’t see or speak to her mum and about eating takeaways all the time. I also have issues with some other aspects of mums parenting but I’ve dealt with that myself. I tried to ask OH daughter for more information in a round about way but she didn’t really know why it had happened and couldn’t remember everything that had been said. I asked my friends who have school aged children and they said it sounded like someone had raised some safeguarding concerns and that it may have been brought forward from primary school.

I’m taking on board what everyone is saying, I’m not an idiot which is why I’ve came on here to ask if I’m being unreasonable. As I’ve said though and as someone else pointed out, in all other respects apart from this, our relationship is good, he pulls his weight and is a hard worker. The drinking is annoying but not overly inconvenient to me, it doesn’t affect me other than I don’t want him to do it so often. It’s only been recently that I’ve started to avoid sex with him when he’s been drinking, I don’t know why I've done this.

To the person who said about him not eating when he drinks, he does eat, just not with me. He’ll eat once he’s finished his drinks.

Also, he didn’t actually disappear for 2 days, I knew exactly where he was. He just didn’t stick to our agreement about texting or calling at least one to let me know that he was carrying on the party with his friends which got my back up.

I’ve said to him that he needs to make his mind up, he needs to take on board what I’m saying about the drinking (he thinks he has because he’s already cut down massively since the early days) or he needs to find somewhere else to live and we will be done.

I just wanted to get other peoples opinions as I’ve been guilty in the past of telling guys to fuck off at the slightest hint of less than stellar behaviour and I’ve realised in my older years that no one is perfect, I certainly am not, so I shouldn’t expect anyone else to be.

I’m taking on board what everyone is saying

That’s quite hard to believe from the way you’re making excuses for him and downplaying the things you said bothered you in your first post.

I guess you’re just not ready to hear it, just like he’s not ready to stop drinking.

Sad.

honestly, drinkers are a loose canon, it could all go so wrong very quickly. thats what was stressing me out when my husband drank 3-4 bottles of wine a week.

when i say loose canon, i dont mean domestic violence. if my husband was an even bigger consumer than 40 units a week, i would really have worried about job security, emotional well being, kids well being, cancelling things as they can't be arsed, substance reliance, driving over the limit, work disciplinary or disqualification from driving etc

i totally understand your situation though.

@PurpleDaisies. I see you’re one of the ones that cherry pick what someone is saying. His drinking is annoying and yes, I wondered if I was being unreasonable because of the many positives of our relationship and life together, but I have told him he needs to figure out if drinking is his priority and if so then he needs to leave my life.

He’s a functioning alcoholic. Probably why his ex wife threw him out, so please don’t fall into the trap of blaming her for his drinking, otherwise you should be blaming yourself for him still drinking to excess now. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him if he loves you more than anything he’ll knock the weekday drinking on the head to prove it.

OP what was his reaction when you told him this?

OP, he’s going to drive pissed every other morning, keep you awake, leave you to eat alone and deprive you of sex, that’s what you’re getting. That’s the deal and you either crack on or you ship out. Ain’t nobody can do a damned thing about his drinking and he won’t either, so that’s what’s on offer, take or leave my love.