Not want to be a complainer anymore - please be kind

[Anonymous311264]

I’ve done a lot of soul searching over past few months and came to the conclusion that maybe I am a serial complainer and just very negative to be around. I decided to put a smile on my face and not be so negative anymore. I woke up very determined and positive today, I actually felt like a different person! but I feel deflated as I’ve had an awful day. How would a “normal” person react the the following and why do I seem to always attract bad luck?

In morning went shopping like I always do but my card got declined - there WAS money in account but bank put a block on due to unusual activity (there was none, we sorted it out when I returned). I had no cash so had to just leave without taking any food home.

Something else happened when I was at home - rather not post about it.

Went to get DS from school and school gave me letter that he didn’t get flu vaccination as no consent form was given. I showed school the form I filled in as I got a confirmation email as did online. They said nothing they can do. Told me to ring number on letter. Got home and DS told me he did get the vaccination (he wouldn’t make it up!). Been phoning the helpline number and they keep saying no he didn’t get it done as there was no consent form. In the end they even saw I sent it as I told them exact time and date I completed it. They still reiterated that no shot was given to him today.

I know in writing it down it doesn’t seem like much but I have many days like today and I feel drained - obviously not the exact same thing happens everyday but little issues always crop up. How can I start having better days? I don’t want to be in this negative state all the time. Did anyone find any solutions to stop feeling so deflated and crap and stop complaining. Please be kind.

Anyone?

Those things would not make be feel deflated and flat and like I'd had a bad day.

The card decline thing would piss me off. Always best to have a backup payment method! But I would be over it pretty quick.

The jab thing, if you believe your kid then I'd just leave it at that? Obviously been some mix up but not worth getting upset about if you think he's had it.

Thank you @imamearcat. I’d love to be able to just get over things. I think that’s my biggest issue I think and think and go over little things. What helps you get over things quickly?

I agree with PP - neither of the two things you mentioned are that bad, IMO.

Maybe the third thing you won’t talk about was and was a legitimate trigger, but we can’t comment on that.

I’m trying! You are right that it’s a state of mind. DM is always saying ‘it always happens to me’ and DSis has started saying I sound like DM it really does feel like it’s always me but I’m guessing if I wasn’t so negative I wouldn’t notice so much.

So far I’ve been doing yoga with adriene I do a different one each time.

I do daily meditation - just 5 mins
play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.simplehabit.simplehabitapp&hl=en_GB&gl=US

And, in desperation because lockdown is a weird and challenging time, I’ve found this guy.

Obviously been some mix up but not worth getting upset about if you think he's had it

The thing is I know he doesn’t make stuff up but he is only 4 years old (reception class), I’m worried if I book another one as I’ve been offered one for next week and he ends up having 2 shots. But if I leave it and he didn’t actually get it.

I don't think complaining is a problem, nothing wrong with sounding off when you've had a crap day. Resilience is important though - how well you deal with set backs. If small things hit you hard and impact your mood then I would look at ways you can build up your resilience.

You will know if your child had it presumably if their arm hurts (mine did), though maybe they just don't want the jab and are fibbing 😂. Card decline is just a PITA. I think the fact 3 annoying things happened in one day is what's dragged you down.
Chin up - tomorrow is another day with a working card.

This sounds like a fairly normal day of sorting crap. Which is a large part of life. It wouldn’t make me feel deflated because it all sounds tedious but normal (apart from the home thing). Do you feel there should be another life that isn’t devoted to sorting crap? I agree there should be but there isn’t. The trick is to take it all on the chin - and enjoy the bits in between.

If somethings upset me or is making me worry I try to do two things:

1. List all the good things that have happened that day / what I'm grateful for. With a bit of thinking there is always at least one thing.

1. For something that's really bothering me, think whether it will actually matter or will I even remember in five years' time. If not, it's not worth the headspace now.

@Runningoutofnamestochange wow!! Thank you so much I will look at all the links when I get kids to sleep. Maybe we should start a motivation thread to help us lol!

I remember that tomorrow is a new day and I can start again.

I would be pissed off over the card-- but would hope that no one saw, dive and quickly go away.

The school think shrug I would just think sigh I'll deal with them tomorrow.

When you say you're a complainer, what do you mean? Do you vent to other people, ruminate over things, etc?

Basically, you can't stop bad days from happening, but you can stop how you act as a result. What is it about your behaviour you want to change?

Your day sounds frustrating - if that had happened to me, I'd be annoyed, but I don't think that's all that unusual. It feels like there's a huge chunk missing from your post - has someone told you "all you ever do is complain"?

Thank you so much everyone! I was expecting nasty comments (my negative thinking as usual). It’s all been so helpful

Resilience - thank you to poster that said this I will look it up and find some tips.

Poster that said arm will hurt - no it was a nose spray not injection.

Sorry I will read rest as soon as baby goes down to sleep x

I would recommend googling attitude of gratitude and see what you find.

I'm a bit like this with negative interactions with others. So if someone gives me a funny look, or someone snaps at me at the supermarket, etc., that's all I can think about for the rest of the day. And I repeatedly go over the situation in my mind.

The only thing that's helped me is by just trying to put things into perspective. Like if insert really awful thing happens tomorrow will this even matter one bit?! Which looks like a bit of a negative thing to think about, but it does make me realise that half the stuff I worry about really does not matter. There's that quote 'if it's not going to matter in 5 years then don't spend more than 5 minutes worrying about it'

Those things honestly wouldn't bother me hugely. I would say don't sweat the small stuff, as they seem like that to me, but perspective is everything and if every minute of everyday is like this for you then that starts to add up and I can understand that, so it's really important to notice what else happened today, the good things and the just fine things. Shit happens often, but so does the good stuff, don't miss out on those moments by focusing too narrowly on the irritating things.

Ah you've got a baby - your resilience reserves might be already taken up with them. In which case - schlepping out with the baby and all paraphernalia only to find you have to trail home empty handed, would be mighty irritating. The mix up over whether the reception age child had or hadn't the flu spray would be a massive eyeroll.

So. Let's have a think about how to help you get a more sunny outlook.

Does baby sleep okay? Do you get enough sleep, fresh air, time to yourself?

You have a baby so I'm guessing you're tired? Little things seem so so much worse when you're tired. Don't beat yourself up too much OP.

Have you ever looked at CBT? If you have negative thought patterns and dwell on things then that might help.

I've a tendency to dwell on personality clashes. I've had to train myself to stop replaying conversations over and over, and to give up fashioning killer one-liners that are now three days after the fact and utterly pointless.

The one thing I found in lockdown that helped me keep going was setting a short list of achievable daily tasks. Sometimes for work - write that report, meet that deadline. Sometimes for family - do that activity with the kids, cook that dinner I promised my wife. Sometimes for me - go for that run, get that half hour with a quiet beer and the headphones on. And yes, on really bad days, I was reduced to 'brushed teeth' or 'got dressed'. But at least that motivated me to do better tomorrow.

I'm also a natural pessimist OP, and come from a family of complainers. Also trying to change my mindset, but it is hard! Every night before bed I make a note on my phone of one thing that happened today that was good. Tonight I am struggling though! Rome wasn't built in a day I guess.

Ask your son if it was one nostril or two... you'll soon find out the truth.

Big hugs. We all have bad days. Hopefully you'll have better days soon!

Brush yourself off put it down to one of those days, don't let it deter your positive changes.
Negative people are hard to be around it is nice to see them smiling. Keep it up.

Its both nostrils by the way.

I think I'd feel pissed off to be honest! I find little fiddley admin things really frustrating to sort out, things where I have to phone lots of people and it takes a disproportionately long time to sort out a situation that shouldn't have happened...rrrggghhh. ans have a few things in one day that would do my head in. But other things don't bother me so much. I don't get road rage. Friends and family don't annoy me. I'm pretty forgiving of most things involving other people if they seem genuinely sorry. I'm clumsy and I don't mind the bruises and most of the stuff I break.

My point is, different things annoy different people. It's only if you're feeling angry and frustrated with life every day in lots of different situations, that it's actually an issue.

I think being annoyed is ok but falling into the 'why me, bad things always happen/ nothing good ever happens to me' mentality is where it gets too far.

Things that might help this are setting aside some time to be annoyed, have a good moan and a rage to yourself while you have a cup of tea and then tell yourself moaning time is over and try and do something else. Consciously remind yourself of all the things that went right today - it was dry, the traffic was good, you ticked off a few tasks etc. If you are still struggling then maybe CBT would be a good idea as it can help with negative thought patterns