Not want to be a complainer anymore - please be kind

[Anonymous311264]

I’ve done a lot of soul searching over past few months and came to the conclusion that maybe I am a serial complainer and just very negative to be around. I decided to put a smile on my face and not be so negative anymore. I woke up very determined and positive today, I actually felt like a different person! but I feel deflated as I’ve had an awful day. How would a “normal” person react the the following and why do I seem to always attract bad luck?

In morning went shopping like I always do but my card got declined - there WAS money in account but bank put a block on due to unusual activity (there was none, we sorted it out when I returned). I had no cash so had to just leave without taking any food home.

Something else happened when I was at home - rather not post about it.

Went to get DS from school and school gave me letter that he didn’t get flu vaccination as no consent form was given. I showed school the form I filled in as I got a confirmation email as did online. They said nothing they can do. Told me to ring number on letter. Got home and DS told me he did get the vaccination (he wouldn’t make it up!). Been phoning the helpline number and they keep saying no he didn’t get it done as there was no consent form. In the end they even saw I sent it as I told them exact time and date I completed it. They still reiterated that no shot was given to him today.

I know in writing it down it doesn’t seem like much but I have many days like today and I feel drained - obviously not the exact same thing happens everyday but little issues always crop up. How can I start having better days? I don’t want to be in this negative state all the time. Did anyone find any solutions to stop feeling so deflated and crap and stop complaining. Please be kind.

The flu thing would annoy me but wouldn’t bother me too much. I’d probably think ho hum it will resolve itself eventually.

The shopping thing though would really annoy me and I prob would be in a mood about it. To plan the food shop, get it all in trolley, bagged up and not be able to take it home. Agggh!

I’d have a good moan about that I think. And I think that’s normal. Although all the other posters seem impressively zen like.

Maybe I need some meditation too....

Can you afford a bit if private CBT? It's basically a way to relearn how you interpret things as thoughts become feelings which become behaviours which affect next thoughts.

I heard something important recently and it was 'be careful what you focus on because that is what will grow'. Make sure you are focusing on good and useful and real things. Not negative and counterproductive and imagined future things. The CBT would help you deal with the underlying issues that have you focusing on things the way you do.

I'm all about how I spend the value of my energy in any day. Why am I wasting valuable energy stressing over x, or bitching over y. It doesn't gain me anything but bad energy and negativity.

I'm having cral time with work its super hard not to be constantly negative so now I time box my rants and negative thoughts and after 10mins thats it move on.

I also find music is my go to thin that can just switch my bad energy into happy positive energy so I'll stick on music if I. Really like crap or had a crap day.

I read somewhere a good quote: we spend too much time focusing on the bad things ot doing things we hate then we do on doing things that we love and enjoy

I also remind myself of that if I'm struggling to get past negativity.

Hope it helps.

I used to complain and moan and I’ll be honest used to complain about that people as well. But I hated it about myself, it made everything negative and grumpy.

I tried headspace, and I activity change my thoughts, often by thinking of something else. It does takes practice, but it will come.
I’m so much more relaxed. I have a friend that moans all the time and I sometime avoid her as I can very easily skip back into moaning, and she makes me feel down. I wonder if that’s how others felt about me.

I feel so amazed at the wonderful responses. I’m so sorry I’m not replying to people using their names - you’ve all given me so much positivity thank you. In response to questions:

Baby is difficult, doesn’t sleep and eat so I do find myself struggling to get through the days. I will be okay as eldest was sane but seemed to improve at age 2.

I have tried cbt but honestly I don’t feel I have the time. I think in evening time when they both asleep is best for you be to read and self reflect. No I can’t afford private cbt at the moment but I can look into that later in a year or two.

Gratitude journal sounds like a brilliant idea. I didn’t think of writing it in phone! That is a brilllant idea.

Yes I’ll ask him tomorrow if one nostril or two. My doctor said it’s no danger if 2 shots are given by mistake so I’m debating whether to go ahead with appointment next week or cancel.

Yes it was very irritating as I was doing my weekly shop and really needed some items tonight. I had no energy to go back out as I was drained after phoning back. They had me on hold for ages. Then after picking DS up I had no energy to go either.

A suggestion I read was to say to yourself 'on a scale of 1-10, how bad is this?' - I've found I generally end up saying '2' when forced to calibrate it in that way, so it instantly seems less important.

Having said that, both those things you mention would annoy me immensely! Going to the shop and coming back without the food? And the vaccination....

The suggestion to think of one thing you're grateful for is a good one as well.

I think I'm like you, OP. I think I moan & complain a lot.

I've had an awful day, too. I feel like absolute rubbish. When it's this bad, I just try to keep thinking tomorrow can be different. Something good might happen tomorrow.

Having said that, both those things you mention would annoy me immensely! Going to the shop and coming back without the food? And the vaccination....

Thank you. I didn’t want to mention in my post but I did have a cry in the car! I know I sound melodramatic but it took me so long firstly finding a baby seat trolley then pushing baby around and picking up
Food items, queuing then not being able to take the food home! Lol! I know it’s not a huge thing but I just broke down in car. I don’t want to feel like this.

Yes good suggestion someone said have a backup payment method. I should have taken credit card too or cash

@DaddysGirlForLife

Ask your son if it was one nostril or two... you'll soon find out the truth.

Big hugs. We all have bad days. Hopefully you'll have better days soon!

But surely if he didn't have it there's still a 50:50 chance of him guessing the correct answer?

ArranBound feel free to share if it will make you feel better x

But surely if he didn't have it there's still a 50:50 chance of him guessing the correct answer?

Yes that could happen. That’s why it’s annoying as I don’t know for sure. He could have seen others having it and got confused? What would you do in my situation?

Everything is worse when you are tired / have small baby...So sometimes it’s ok to just have a cry in the car.

And then get on with it.

On resilience- sheryl sandbergs plan b book has some good tips.

I find thinking about how it could be worse helps. At least your car didn’t break down after you hadn’t got the shopping. At least the baby didn’t do an explosive poo.
At least your son didn't have an allergic reaction to the flu jab (which he might or might not have been given) etc.

@Anonymous311264

But surely if he didn't have it there's still a 50:50 chance of him guessing the correct answer?

Yes that could happen. That’s why it’s annoying as I don’t know for sure. He could have seen others having it and got confused? What would you do in my situation?

I'd speak to his teacher and/or school nurse. Someone must have organised the children being given their vaccinations at their allotted time, and probably ticked them off a list.

Bless you op!!

Tomorrow is another day.
If your worried about a small child having the vaccine then this mix up would make you concerned. It's quite important as he may get symptoms from the vaccine! You need to know.

Of course it's annoying to go shopping and then get to the till and have no money!

It's really good you noticed this, I'm the same.. I've turned into a milly moan.. I had a situation with dd today, we had to get to an important appointment and we didn't know if we would make it due to horrendous traffic. I was moaning then I realised she was getting upset so then I tried to be bright and said '' well, at least we are out of school... A few hours of not mixing with potential covid carriers ( and its a lovley day! Beautiful woods in Autumn.. ''

We both cheered up... And we were able to still get our appointment.
Thanks for this op, makes me feel less alone.. And you're right we need to reign it in!
It's not fun to be around, not good modelling... But we can change it!

You may benefit from practicing gratitude and giving thanks.
Look up gratitude lists / being thankful, law of attraction etc

It is amazing how quickly you are able to adjust your mindset once you realise how lucky you are to have the life you have. These small annoyances become just little blips you can let go quickly and not allow them to ruin your day.

It would piss me off too to hve my card declined at the shop but it wouldn’t ruin my day - because it’s just an annoying thing which happened, it hasn’t actually AFFECTED me or my life in the longer term.

I would definitely look into gratitude for bringing some perspective into your mindset

I wouldn't consider what you describe as a bad day. Those things wouldn't have bothered me for more than a minute or two. Do you have, or have you had, any 'big' problems? I'm not being sarcastic. It's just that that is how I put things into perspective. I think 'so this happened, but at least it wasn' t that, goodness I'm lucky'. For example, with the food episode, I'd probably have thought about how it would feel to actually not have any money there. I grew up hand to mouth and it was truly horrible. I'd probably have considered others in that position and felt lucky that I wasn't. In respect of the immunisation, I'd have been a bit perplexed about what to do with the conflicting info, but would have remembered that my child was well and so everything was actually fucking great. I do feel anxiety, but it's rooted in past trauma and not related to my current thought processes. I just wait for it to pass. The kinds of things you describe almost never ruffle me. You should definitely look up some CBT strategies and think about what you are telling yourself when things like these happen. Telling yourself to cheer up, or the equivalent, isn't realistic and won't help you. You need explicit strategies/scripts to replace the ones you're using. I hope you start feeling better soon.

I was also going to suggest CBT, which is all about changing your automatic thought patterns. I did it online through IESO Health. Don't know if they operate everywhere, but I would recommend it. Effective, convenient and free on the NHS.

Honestly op, I feel totally different now you say you have a baby. Life is just hard with littlers. Everything takes mor energy that you have.

Now my youngest is 5 these sorts of things are what life is like. My solution and way of getting perspective is work. In that if I have got big things to worry about I don't sweat the small stuff so much. I start to spiral a bit if I have too much time on my hands. Or more like too much space in my head. When I am busy enough I just think - will I care about this tomorrow. No. So move on.

But all bets are off with a baby.

Thank you all! I did contact school and one teacher said he might have had it done but not sure. There was no one else there. School is very small so no nurse at the moment. External people came in to do the vacs. It’s all really draining me. As I’ve been reading that it’s no harm getting double shots of the nasal spray by mistake but I’m worried if anything happens to him either way - as in if I go ahead with appointment or if I don’t go ahead and leave it. Sorry for typos I’m exhausted.

I’d be annoyed about the shopping, did they not offer to save it for you? I would be grrr lol
The flu jab for a 4 year old? normally it’s a nasal spray. If he had the jab they normally pop a plaster on. We all survived without a jab, I
wouldn’t worry too much but you can get one through your G.P if you’ve missed it (I think).

Suzi it was nasal spray. Sorry I might have said Jab by mistake.

They have to fill in paperwork, how can the school not know? What if he had allergies? naughty!

Have you always been like this or has it just been since the kids?

It is either pnd/exhaustion or something deeper, ie if you’ve always been like this.

The things you mention are minor irritants, annoying but no more than that, for example you could have said can I put the trolley aside and I’ll call the bank. If there is no harm in your kid getting the vaccine twice then let him get it twice, they don’t need to be big deals

But if you’re exhausted or suffering pnd, you won’t react like this. It will be a big deal to you.

I find that making things like the card at the supermarket a funny thing rather than an annoying one really takes the sting out of it. I laugh at myself a lot, and something like that, whilst a pain, I’d probably tell people and make it a mildly amusing story.

Flu vaccination, yeah annoying and I’d want to know if he’d had it, but again, maybe laugh at the absurdity of the situation whilst resolving it?

Easy to say I know.

These are the kind of things that would tip me over the edge if I was feeling a bit down anyway (which is OK and normal, especially in tricky covid times). The way the flu jab thing was handled by the school sounds terrible. They should have apologised if you showed them evidence that you did indeed return the consent form.
I find a CBT app helps me to work through my reactions to things every now and then when I notice things are building up. Often it will help me understand a reaction of feeling deflated/ down about something is a perfectly normal reaction to a set of circumstances and then make a plan for what to do next time or challenge my negative thoughts about it.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Keep trying with the positivity and good luck!