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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave LTP so seek a husband

67 replies

Daisylady10 · 09/11/2020 14:30

Aibu? To want to leave after 16 years
And 3 dc because I want my dream wedding and he never does?
I have always knows it, perhaps hoping he would change his mind.
I feel i have given him enough years of my life and now i want to go after what ive always wanted
Granted i may never meet anyone else but I can’t shake the feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisylady10 · 09/11/2020 14:32

I say dream wedding
I mean dream of getting married wether it costs £100 or £10,000 I don’t mind either way

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 09/11/2020 14:33

If he's right for you then are you prioritising a potential wedding with an unknown, new partner over a relationship that's right?

If he's not right then can you fix the relationship?

In effect, is the wedding the real issue?

Good luck.

fandemic · 09/11/2020 14:36

Whatever you decide is completely reasonable. But if I were you I'd explore why the wedding is so significant. What would it give you? Is it the gesture of commitment from your LTP that you want? The celebration of your relationship? Do you know why your LTP doesn't want a wedding? What if you left him and met someone who was open to getting married but who was no good as a partner? Please reflect on what lies behind this for you! If you're considering leaving him because he won't get married, it seems pretty clear that he's not someone you ought to be marrying anyway, but my feeling is that the focus on a wedding is a red herring.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/11/2020 14:37

If he has been keeping you hanging saying he might change his mind and never did, or keeps changing the goal posts eg telling you he will propose after buying a house, after first child, after second child etc then I think you have a right to be annoyed and upset and I would take steps to financially protect yourself (you havent said whether you share finances, savings, whether you work, own a house jointly etc). Ie if you have both agreed to be a SAHM I would be saying no since you have no claim to assets you will be working, make sure half the savings are in your name etc etc.

However I think it is a bit selfish to take your children away from their dad, and turn their lives upside down, because of something you want that won't make any practical difference to their lives at all. You had children when you weren't married so it seems harsh to leave now when nothing has changed.

If your children are grown up though, or him not wanting marriage is actually part of a wider issue of him not fully engaging in family life etc and splitting up is actually not going to negatively affect the children then I think it would be more reasonable

MaskingForIt · 09/11/2020 14:40

YWBU to shack up and have children with him in the first place if you wanted marriage and he didn’t.

That said, marriage is great and if getting married is on your bucket list, then leave him and try to find someone else. I am sure your children will understand, and will hopefully learn some life lessons which will come in useful when they are making their own decisions about marriage.

longwayoff · 09/11/2020 15:03

I'm sure your children will be thrilled to see you off to pursue your dream. I wonder what their dreams are? Probably, definitely, not the same as yours.

SuperheroBirds · 09/11/2020 15:08

If you didn’t have children, then I’d say do whatever you want. But do you really want to break up your children’s family just for a wedding?

Does your partner not want a formal ceremony/big do, or is he entirely against marriage in any form?

Waveysnail · 09/11/2020 15:10

You have 3dc. They are your priority. If your relationship is good otherwise then yabu. You went in knowing he wouldnt get married, you had 3 kids, built a family. You can't rip apart their home because he wont get married.

flaviaritt · 09/11/2020 15:15

There is huge difference between wanting to leave your partner because you want a wedding, and wanting to leave because you want marriage. Which is it?

yvanka · 09/11/2020 15:22

I would feel very offended and hurt if my parther of 16 years, father of my three children did not want to marry me.

Has he always been against marriage or has he strung you along?

FabbyChix · 09/11/2020 15:27

You think someones going to come along and whisk you off your feet with an ex of 16 years and three kids and take you to the alter?

Lol

flaviaritt · 09/11/2020 15:30

FabbyChix

And why the hell not? Not everyone who has been in a LTR is an unholy mess. I mean, I am, but the OP might be hot.

GlowingOrb · 09/11/2020 15:32

I might wait Until the kids are adults.

DickBastardly · 09/11/2020 15:32

You would seriously consider walking out of a sixteen year relationship and disrupting three children’s lives just so you can have a wedding day? There has to be more to this story.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 15:33

You want to break up your children's home and end a 16 relationship because you want a dream wedding?

What?

dustbunnybun · 09/11/2020 15:33

@flaviaritt

There is huge difference between wanting to leave your partner because you want a wedding, and wanting to leave because you want marriage. Which is it?
My question too
dottiedodah · 09/11/2020 15:42

I think you are right to want to be married .However to protect your DC/Home if God fobid you split up or he died .Not for one day in a white gown! Many men seem reluctant to settle down Just last week someone was on here being "left"with nothing after being a SAHM for 17 years FFS!

2bazookas · 09/11/2020 15:43

@longwayoff

I'm sure your children will be thrilled to see you off to pursue your dream. I wonder what their dreams are? Probably, definitely, not the same as yours.
Dressing up as pageboys or bridesmaids ? Son gives Mum away? Family honeymoon?
MrsToothyBitch · 09/11/2020 15:44

Do you want a marriage or a wedding? If the former- why? Have you discussed it? If the latter you're splitting up for the sake of a day. Is it worth it? Could you have a non legally binding ceremony if that's what you want?

Cocomarine · 09/11/2020 15:46

Gobsmacked to see 37% of people think YANBU to put 3 children in a position of not having bother parents living with them full time, just because you didn’t stand firm over marriage (or walk away) before you chose to have them.

I can only hope they’re just expressing that YANBU to wish that you were married.

SpeccyLime · 09/11/2020 15:46

I understand wanting to be married, but in this situation I think you’ve left it too late. If marriage was such a dealbreaker for you, why have you had 3 children? Surely the time to leave was before you made a lifelong commitment and brought 3 people into the world. It seems terribly unfair to them that after 16 years you’ll leave an otherwise happy (presumably, since you don’t mention other issues) relationship and inflict a stepfather on them because you’ve decided marriage is now too important a priority to set aside.

nevermorelenore · 09/11/2020 15:50

Propose to him? Xmas is a nice time and you could even get a ring. If he says yes, then start getting stuff booked for 2021. His attitude to your wedding planning should indicate his level of enthusiasm.

KatherineJaneway · 09/11/2020 15:57

@flaviaritt

There is huge difference between wanting to leave your partner because you want a wedding, and wanting to leave because you want marriage. Which is it?
This ^^
Ineedaduvetday · 09/11/2020 16:00

Sorry to be blunt but why would he marry you now? You've been with him 16 years and had 3 kids with him. He has no reason to marry and possibly make himself worse off in doing so.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/11/2020 16:03

I think it's very shallow and selfish to break up a family all because you want a wedding?! Especially when he never promised you one in the first place!

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