To want to leave LTP so seek a husband

[Daisylady10]

Aibu? To want to leave after 16 years
And 3 dc because I want my dream wedding and he never does?
I have always knows it, perhaps hoping he would change his mind.
I feel i have given him enough years of my life and now i want to go after what ive always wanted
Granted i may never meet anyone else but I can’t shake the feelings.

So basically, this is another 'he won't marry me' thread.

I'm not criticizing, not at all! There's nothing wrong with wanting the security of a legal marriage. But the thing is after 16 years and 3 children he knows (or thinks) he's got you where he wants you and will continue to do as he has always done. Unless of course you are or can be self-supporting, in which case you may have some leverage. But would you really want to marry a man who doesn't want to get married? That's something you really need to think seriously about as it can cause resentment in him.

But the main thing to think about is how happy you are in the relationship overall. Is the 'I want a wedding' thing really a red herring for an unsatisfactory relationship? Should you actually be LTP for other valid reasons?

.

Ask him to marry you.

You want to leave your kids too? Lovely.

Agree with others, there is a difference between wanting a wedding and wanting a marriage.

Although if it was so important to you I'm unsure why you'd not insist before going through everything you already have, children etc...

Sorry I should’ve gave more details
We are currently living seperate and have done for the past year & a half,
I am renting & working to build a career & supporting dc whilst trying to get our relationship back on track.
Its not been the best in the past/ not the worst either.
Therefore it wouldn’t be much of an upheaval for dc whatever the outcome.
its not just the day i want it the whole thing and seeing family members planning theirs etc it hurts that it can’t be me.
Thanks for people taking the time to reply

You want to leave your kids too? Lovely.

OP doesn’t say this. Hop off your high horse.

So you’re not together?

He sounds like he has been upfront about his lack of desire to marry from the outset considering you say you always knew.

I'm not sure I could comfortably leave a family, and the upset that would cause my children for the sake of a wedding when I'd known all along that it likely wasn't on the cards. If you knew he wasn't going to get married and if it were so important to you, you should have left before having children imo. I personally think it's selfish to do so now. I'd probably think differently if he'd said he would marry and had now changed his mind, but he hasn't. You knew this would likely be the case but stayed and had kids etc anyway?

Oh sorry, I misread that as 'to want to leave my husband and 3dc' for some reason

Leave my kids? They live with me???

X posted with your update. I didn't realise you lived separately already, probably would have helped to specify that first.

Yeah, I misread it. As I just said.

Why are you so desperate to get married? You want to give up your family life, be away from your children for holidays, weekends, birthdays etc so you can have a party and a bit of paper that says you are legally tied to someone?

Honestly what a drip feed. That was done on purpose!

You're living separately. He's not been that great in the past. You want to marry and he doesn't. I'd end it, given the circumstances.

MASSIVE dripfeed there

So you aren’t living as a family anyway? That is a huge factor. If your ready to stop trying to make it work, then end things.

You living separately for the past year and a half and having main custody of your children puts a massive difference on the situation. I wonder if you left that out of the OP on purpose to make yourself seem more reasonable and him unreasonable?

Well you’re already separated, so clearly there’s more to this than wanting a wedding. Is he also a bit crap as a partner? In which case, yes, stop wasting your time trying to make something work that isn’t going to. Make clear to any potential future partners what you want from life.

Pretty much the worst dripfeed I’ve seen on here.

What was the point in wasting people’s time? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry im new to posting and not sure about drip feed but thanks to the nice people who have kindly replied

@Daisylady10

Sorry im new to posting and not sure about drip feed but thanks to the nice people who have kindly replied

It means you left a really important piece of information out of your OP which would have impacted the replies you received.

People tend to do it when the initial replies aren't as favourable as they'd initially hoped and so they add a bit of info in which completely changes the situation and makes the OP seem less unreasonable.

They rightly make posters suspicious.

So this thread becomes: should I beg for marriage from my ex, who has left me in the lurch with three kids, or should I move on and try to meet someone?

You know my vote.

How come you live separately? Have you always or have you lived together and moved apart?

For me, the fact that you are even thinking about leaving your LTP to pursue a relationship which can develop to marriage, says it all.

A happy person would not think like this. A settled person would not think like this. You are miserable and feel that you are missing out. If you feel this way, it is absolutely the best thing to do to leave your partner and pursue what you really want.

As for your 3 children, they probably have a mum who is a little sad. Especially if you’ve been trying to workout a separation anyway. A happy mum is a wonderful thing and will be for your children.

If your LTP hasn’t committed in 16 years and after 3 children, I’m afraid it’s not going to happen. So, yes, time to move on.