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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DD to wait an extra week for her "unbirthday"

62 replies

pinkksugarmouse · 09/11/2020 12:44

DD will be 18 on the 29th of November. For the past couple of years her main home has been her Dad's mostly because its closer to her college. And there are dogs there. She loves dogs.

She wants to celebrate her birthday with me and her Step Dad next weekend. As she points out correctly once she is 18 moving between two parent households is no longer OK during lockdown because she will legally be an adult.

I have put a lot of thought into her gifts and want to see her open them but I would rather she had her card to open at her Dad's and gifts from him and then open her gifts here after lockdown which is less than a week after her birthday. Because she actually will have turned 18.

She is emotionally and socially challenged due to Aspergers and spends the minimum of time in my company when she stays over so her wanting to celebrate is a positive thing but she still won't have had her 18th. I haven't said anything to her yet.
What would you do? Please try and be sensitive I have mental health issues. ❤️
AIBU if I ask her to wait?

OP posts:

OldEvilOwl · 09/11/2020 12:47

It's not about you. 18 is a big deal. Let her do it her own way

grapewine · 09/11/2020 12:50

18 is a big deal to many people. She wants to celebrate with you. Let her do it her way.

Sirzy · 09/11/2020 12:51

I think at the moment best bet is to celebrate how you can when you can. Having her birthday Early makes most sense

PolarBearStrength · 09/11/2020 12:52

I think you’re being a bit naive to base plans on lockdown being finished at the start of December. We have no idea what the situation will be then.

Although as a vulnerable adult due to her aspergers, moving between households is probably allowed?

irregularegular · 09/11/2020 12:52

You've not really said why you don't want her to celebrate with you next weekend? Is it just because she won't quite be 18th yet or is there something else? It's pretty normal to celebrate slightly early. Both my son (17) and I just did that as our birthdays fell into the lockdown period.

Clearly neither weekend is perfect but it is her birthday and I think you should celebrate on the weekend she prefers unless you have a very good reason why not.

DDiva · 09/11/2020 12:53

I can see how it feels a bit premature next weekend but I dont think I'd question it if she is happy with that plan. In all honesty weve no idea if the lockdown will be lifted or extended at the beginning of December so planning something after her birthday is risky.

littlebirdieblue · 09/11/2020 12:54

Definitely go with what your daughter wants, it is after all her big day. Also there is no guarantee lockdown will be definitely be over on Dec 2nd. It could well go on for longer.

WorraLiberty · 09/11/2020 12:54

Let her do it her way OP.

LauraMipsum · 09/11/2020 12:54

I don’t understand what you gain by making her wait to celebrate? If she wants to do it near to but not on her birthday that seems reasonable enough.

saraclara · 09/11/2020 12:54

Why does it bother you celebrating it early rather than afterwards? You're not going to see her on the day, so I'm not sure what the difference is.

In your situation is just be very pleased that she wants to visit and celebrate with you at all.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/11/2020 12:55

What difference does it make? Neither date will be her actual birthday so do it how she wants.

Whysrumgone · 09/11/2020 12:56

I doubt very much lockdown is going to end then

SengaMac · 09/11/2020 12:57

She is emotionally and socially challenged due to Aspergers and spends the minimum of time in my company when she stays over so her wanting to celebrate is a positive thing .

So don't sabotage it by wanting to change her plans for no real reason.

missbipolar · 09/11/2020 13:00

I wouldn't ask her to wait- you'll risk damaging her relationship if she already spends minimal time with you. There also doesn't seem to be a reason behind waiting

Calmandmeasured1 · 09/11/2020 13:04

She is emotionally and socially challenged due to Aspergers and spends the minimum of time in my company when she stays over so her wanting to celebrate is a positive thing
I think you should be very proud and pleased that your DD is being really sensible to have thought about perhaps not being able to visit your home after she is 18. You have no idea whether the tier your area will be in after December 2nd will allow households to mix.

What would you do? Please try and be sensitive I have mental health issues. ❤️
AIBU if I ask her to wait?
I think YABU and you should do what your DD has suggested, even though it is a little earlier than her actual birthday. Either that or just give her card and present(s) to her to open when she is at her dad's on her actual birthday.

Your mental health issues have no bearing on this question or response.

TechGinny · 09/11/2020 13:04

You need to let her choose what she wants to do for her birthday and when she wants to do it.

emilyfrost · 09/11/2020 13:06

YABU. It’s her birthday, you should let her celebrate how she wants.

HedgehogintheFog · 09/11/2020 13:06

YABU - even if Lockdown isn't extended, your area may end up in Tier 2 or 3 anyway and you still won't be able to celebrate with her.

Is there more significance to her actually being 18 (wanting to give her alcohol or something else once she is officially an adult?) that just the celebrations? I think it might be best to adjust your expectations there if that is the case. Save the '18' stuff until you do next see her? That way she ends up with two celebrations from you.

PatchworkElmer · 09/11/2020 13:08

Let her handle this how she wants to.

What if you insist, and lockdown is extended further?

Brighterthansunflowers · 09/11/2020 13:09

I think YABU, it won’t be on her birthday either way so I would just go with the weekend she wants to celebrate with you. Don’t sour things by insisting on doing it your way, it really doesn’t matter whether it’s the week before or the week after her birthday.

And as PP said, English lockdown may be extended and you may not be able to do it the week after anyway.

EasttoWest · 09/11/2020 13:12

I think just do it her way. It makes sense and she wants to do that too and it’s her birthday!

user686827 · 09/11/2020 13:13

I think you are being overly pedantic given it won't be her birthday either when you want to do it.

Whysrumgone · 09/11/2020 13:15

I actually think her plan sounds more sensible, I’m not sure what your issue is

Zilla1 · 09/11/2020 13:16

If it were me then I'd cover all bases - mini-celebration when you see her before, give her card and present to unwrap on her birthday and then do/give something when you see her after. I'm not advocating spending money you don't have and things can be as cheap or as expensive as you like but equally, based on COVID, logistics and the desire to avoid any misunderstandings given the complexities of the circumstances you've set out, I'd 'multi-celebrate' as her 18th is special and covid is unusual. If she wears t-shirts, I might even print a t shirt with something along the lines of 'COVID 18th so I celebrated many times'.

Good luck.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/11/2020 13:17

Sorry, I dont understand why you dont want to do it when she has suggested? The actual turning of 18 doesnt really matter too much when you're doing celebrations with different people. She lives with her dad so she'll do the birthday there. She is doing it with you a little in advance incase lockdown extends and she cant.
My kids sometimes do birthday at their dad's the week before or the week after. It doesnt matter.

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