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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD to wait an extra week for her "unbirthday"

62 replies

pinkksugarmouse · 09/11/2020 12:44

DD will be 18 on the 29th of November. For the past couple of years her main home has been her Dad's mostly because its closer to her college. And there are dogs there. She loves dogs.

She wants to celebrate her birthday with me and her Step Dad next weekend. As she points out correctly once she is 18 moving between two parent households is no longer OK during lockdown because she will legally be an adult.

I have put a lot of thought into her gifts and want to see her open them but I would rather she had her card to open at her Dad's and gifts from him and then open her gifts here after lockdown which is less than a week after her birthday. Because she actually will have turned 18.

She is emotionally and socially challenged due to Aspergers and spends the minimum of time in my company when she stays over so her wanting to celebrate is a positive thing but she still won't have had her 18th. I haven't said anything to her yet.
What would you do? Please try and be sensitive I have mental health issues. ❤️
AIBU if I ask her to wait?

OP posts:
AintPageantMaterial · 09/11/2020 13:17

What would be the good things for you, and for her, about waiting until a few days after her birthday to celebrate, instead of a few days before?

I have tried to think about this from your point of view and from hers and I just haven’t come up with any meaningful benefits to waiting.

Is there something more you haven’t explained? Aside from it fitting with your idea of when it would be ‘proper’ to celebrate, what do you think the reasons to wait are? You are risking upsetting her when she has actually asked to spend time with you, so presumably you have a reason?

Dddaddy · 09/11/2020 13:20

What’s the big deal?

lostpasswordagain · 09/11/2020 13:21

My in laws refuse to celebrate birthdays early because they think its bad luck. It can sometimes be a real pain because trying to see everyone and do everything (including school) gets pushed in to a stressful timetable.

It can also feel a bit over it once the birthday has actually come and gone and so celebrating after the fact doesn't feel the same to lots of people. Maybe that is the same for her?

It's her birthday, she has come up with a plan, she is positively wanting to spend a celebration time with you BEFORE anything else. That's great! That means she will be happy about her birthday for longer than just a day and she wants you to kick off those celebrations.

That doesn't devalue your time together so just try and reframe it for your own mind. This is good, this is the beginning of her 18th celebrations, she wants it to be with you and she is happy. That's a list of good things. Enjoy it whilst you can!

Original poster
pinkksugarmouse · 09/11/2020 13:35

@Calmandmeasured1

She is emotionally and socially challenged due to Aspergers and spends the minimum of time in my company when she stays over so her wanting to celebrate is a positive thing I think you should be very proud and pleased that your DD is being really sensible to have thought about perhaps not being able to visit your home after she is 18. You have no idea whether the tier your area will be in after December 2nd will allow households to mix.

What would you do? Please try and be sensitive I have mental health issues. ❤️
AIBU if I ask her to wait?
I think YABU and you should do what your DD has suggested, even though it is a little earlier than her actual birthday. Either that or just give her card and present(s) to her to open when she is at her dad's on her actual birthday.

Your mental health issues have no bearing on this question or response.

I think mental health issues do have bearing on how people word their responses.

I think sometimes people forget when they are tapping away and perhaps say things in a way that they wouldn't dream of doing face to face.

Yes by asking the question people do put themselves out there but I am asking for an opinion not to be ripped apart after all. Let's remember we are supposed to be being kind to one another now more than ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkksugarmouse · 09/11/2020 13:37

To be honest I was planning on us being able to go out to eat at her favourite restaurant after lockdown. Hence the delay but I suppose there is no guarantee of that.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 09/11/2020 13:38

My 18 year old still goes to his dad’s at weekend if he wants. He was 17 at the start of the first lockdown and turned 18 during it. I’m not sure the rules but I know that being classed as a ‘single adult household’ was having children under 18 on June 17, and it hasn’t stopped, so I don’t see why contact with both parents would.

Original poster
pinkksugarmouse · 09/11/2020 13:40

Ok. I have decided we will bring it early just in case. We can have an "unbirthday" fitting as we both love Alice in Wonderland (Disney not the new one).
Thank you for your opinions. I have come to a decision so I think that wraps it up.

OP posts:
Reborn2020 · 09/11/2020 13:48

She sounds quite sensible.

Let her celebrate when she wants to - early or later it doesn't really matter as long as she is happy with it all.

Best wishes

LindaEllen · 09/11/2020 13:59

I'd suggest that it's her birthday, and given how difficult things are, she should be allowed to celebrate it when she feels is best for her. The fact that she has asperger's perhaps means you should be extra accommodating for this.

Also, as you mention, she's 18 before the end of lockdown, so even when restrictions are lifted, you will then need to distance from her as you would anyone else outside of your household, unless you can form a bubble with her. She won't be allowed to move freely between households any more than I could go and spend time indoors with my parents before we locked down (depending on what tier you end up in afterwards of course).

So, given that it might not be as easy as you think even afterwards .. my advice is still to do things her way if at all possible. It will be hard for you, but it is HER 18th birthday, which she only gets once, not yours.

Coffeeandcocopops · 09/11/2020 14:00

Under 18 mid June then the rules assume the 18 year is still a child for this lockdown,

Don’t assume you can go to a restaurant for her 18th. Just set a date in the new year. My son was 18 in the first lockdown and we are still to go out for a special meal without rules.

I’m sorry but you are making this about you and not your daughter.

LindaEllen · 09/11/2020 14:02

@NC4Now

My 18 year old still goes to his dad’s at weekend if he wants. He was 17 at the start of the first lockdown and turned 18 during it. I’m not sure the rules but I know that being classed as a ‘single adult household’ was having children under 18 on June 17, and it hasn’t stopped, so I don’t see why contact with both parents would.
You are no longer a single adult household. You say you're not sure of the rules, but I think you can understand perfectly fine that an 18yo is an adult.

By all means do whatever you want if you feel you have a good enough to be an exception, but don't pretend you don't understand the rules, and that 18 makes your son an adult.

'Contact' with both parents doesn't have to stop, he can use Zoom and text like the rest of us, however he should no longer be switching households.

Coffeeandcocopops · 09/11/2020 14:02

Don’t call it an unbirthday. I’m not sure why you would call it that. My 40th took a whole year to celebrate, let your DD do the same.

Coffeeandcocopops · 09/11/2020 14:05

Sorry but you are wrong. If a child was under 18 mid June then they are treated as an under 18 for the whole of this lockdown, so yes the child can still go backwards and forwards between parents and the parent is a single adult household. Just stick with following the rules and not worrying about what divorced households get upto.

Ignoringequally · 09/11/2020 14:06

Why does it make any difference whether she opens them before or after?

Xiaoxiong · 09/11/2020 14:14

I'd do both! Open presents now, take her out to dinner when lockdown ends. I often stretch my birthday over weeks if I can get away with it and eat more cake

donquixotedelamancha · 09/11/2020 14:14

I would rather she had her card to open at her Dad's and gifts from him and then open her gifts here after lockdown which is less than a week after her birthday probably in March 2021. Because she actually will have turned 18.

Fixed that for you.

SmigglesNoMore · 09/11/2020 14:24

Her way!!!

Branleuse · 09/11/2020 14:31

bring it early and then maybe go for a meal after lockdown anyway.

My 19 year old still goes to his dads when he wants. He is also autistic if thats relevent. If thats the law that a dependent teenager cant go stay with his dad a bit here and there then thats a law im prepared to break if nobody is ill or high risk.

Original poster
pinkksugarmouse · 09/11/2020 14:42

DOES ANYONE READ THE BLOODY POSTS? 🙄

I have decided thank you. I am not a horrifically selfish mother. I was just unsure. DD herself said she would have preferred to do it afterwards because the Christmas tree would be up.

We will be celebrating early. Period. Why the heck I thought asking a question on here would be a good idea I don't know. NEVER AGAIN. My mistake. This is definitely a place where people like to rip others to shreds.

Thank you to those who were genuinely helpful. I will not be engaging in this thread anymore.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 09/11/2020 14:44

Mum of a teen with Aspergers here..

I think you need to go with what she wants to do, if she wants to celebrate early then I would let her open her gifts from you early. My dd inst really into celebrating her birthday much either and it’s usually pretty low key (family meal at home or a take away) so I would keep it simple and do what she chooses.

Lovemusic33 · 09/11/2020 14:44

Oh you could celebrate twice? 🤣

SugarCoatIt · 09/11/2020 14:46

I think I'd go with your daughters wishes, especially taking account of her aspergers.

emilyfrost · 09/11/2020 14:46

Calm down, nobody is “ripping you to shreds”.

All posters are doing is responding to your OP. You don’t get to tell people when to stop commenting.

Nobody should have to tiptoe around you and sugarcoat their replies.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 09/11/2020 14:47

No one has been rude or ripped you to shreds at all. Get over yourself.

izzyrose85 · 09/11/2020 14:57

@pinkksugarmouse

DOES ANYONE READ THE BLOODY POSTS? 🙄

I have decided thank you. I am not a horrifically selfish mother. I was just unsure. DD herself said she would have preferred to do it afterwards because the Christmas tree would be up.

We will be celebrating early. Period. Why the heck I thought asking a question on here would be a good idea I don't know. NEVER AGAIN. My mistake. This is definitely a place where people like to rip others to shreds.

Thank you to those who were genuinely helpful. I will not be engaging in this thread anymore.

Which posts do you think were "ripping you to shreds"?! What a lot of drama about nothing.