Difficult relationship with my mother - asking for opinions

[Aida1983]

I always had a rocky relationship with my mother. In particular, she's always been obsessed with my weight (this caused some significant anorexia/binge eating during my teens that lasted a few years).

I moved far away from her (while still maintaining contact) and it got much easier and our relationship improved significantly.

Due to childcare, she moved close to me and DP and she started commenting again on my weight.

Although I have not had any food problems since moving out, her comments still sting and are hurtful. Moving far away is not an option as we really need childcare. Telling her to mind her own business won't solve it as she will just keep doing it.

What would you advice to maintain my mental health?

This is really difficult, OP. You say you rely on your mother for childcare?

My DM is similar and makes all sorts of comments re my weight, the way I dress, the cleanliness of my car (it wasn't as clean as it could be for a hospital trip recently!) and a lot of other things.

I maintain contact, help her if she needs it, but don't spend much time with her socially and just ignore any comments she makes. My DP is amazing and that's really the only opinion I care about.

I feel for you OP. She won't change.
I gently suggest that you put some thought into working out a way to not need her for childcare.

Why would you expose your child to what you were, no matter how desperate for childcare you are, and a potential lifetime of emotional damage?

I understand your situation may be tricky, but I would be very wary about exposing your dc to the same sort of comments. Is there no way you can afford alternative childcare?

The only way you’re going to be able to protect yourself is to step way back, and you can’t do that if she is your childcare provider.

What would your plan be if she were to become unwell and unable to provide childcare? Do that. (And if you don’t already have a plan for that, you’d need to make one anyway because of the pandemic.)

I know it’s hard. I have to keep my mum very much at arms’ length in order to protect myself and my DC from her behaviour. Fortunately I knew this well before the stage of needing to make childcare decisions, so involving her in that was never on the table.

Difficult situation for you.

You cannot control her or her behaviour.

In the long term you can try to manage the impact her comments have on you or try to change the childcare provision.

Think about her comments, are the misguided care and concern? Control? Projecting her own issues?

Find a simple phrase you feel comfortable saying to her that acknowledges how you feel. As an example "thats hurtful". Then internally, or aloud if you prefer, remind yourself of her motivation for those comments, it doesn't come from a place of truth, you know you're better off when you don't take these comments on board. Mentally draw a line under it and try to move on with your day.

She may get sick of you keep telling her its hurtful/offensive/unkind etc. You may be able to manage this within your own mind. You may not, as its easier said than done.

Don't give her an ultimatum, and don't inconvenience yourself because of her unpleasantness.

Why the hell are you leaving your kids with the woman?

OP I feel for you. Join the stately homes thread. Hopefully the stories and the posters there will help you have the strength to take a closer look at what you need to do. This is no small thing she's doing. Her behaviour could trigger a serious illness with you. What mother knowingly or recklessly does that?

Well personally I’d call her out on it but if you’ll relying on her sir childcare then I guess you can’t rub the risk of falling out with her. Instead I’d go for a toddler training method that works beautifully so they know they’ve been heard. You repeat their words back to them.

‘You look like you’ve gained a few pounds Aida’
‘ I look like I’ve gained a few pounds? Oh yes, you could be right’

‘Perhaps you need to watch your food more closely’
‘I need to watch my food note closely? Ah yes you’re probably right’
‘Not sure you should wear that outfit, your stomach protrudes too much’
‘You think my stomach protrudes too much in this outfit?’ Yes you’re probably right, it’s a favourite though so I’ll just have to add a cardigan in future’.

Saying their words back at them is effective for two reasons. It shows you’ve heard them and also makes them listen to what a massive nasty twat they are.

It's complicated when you need her for childcare alright.

[[https://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Youre-Not-Crazy-Its-Your-Mother-Audiobook/B074JL9VLQ? ref=alibrarytc5libItem&pfrdp=da5752e8-6ae2-4c79-a3e2-1ab92e079358&pfrd_r=4A7H2DG0QTZV2JZ139F1
I recommend ''you're not crazy it's your mother'' by Danu Morrigan]].

I listened to it on audible and right at the end there are a few EFT scripts which I am working my way up to doing. I might do one now. My mother is not wicked or abusive and not sure she is truly ''narcissistic'' but she believes that I am awkward, difficult, sensitive, paranoid (I'm not) and any attempt to defend myself makes her incredibly ANGRY!!!!! So, it's been really tough to be around her because I'm always feeling so hurt when I'm around her but yet I have to be ''ok'' or I just prove her right.

You have all of my sympathies.

Brene Browne uses this example in her book of mothers shaming daughters and she recommends that instead of saying something along the lines of ''omg why do you always get on my case about my weight?'' which turns it in to an argument that your mother will feel less than 50% responsible for, you go straight to the point and say, ''when you shame me about my weight, I feel you don't see me as a person with feelings, I feel like you don't love me, you just see my weight and you love me less because I'm not thin''.

I had a very toxic relationship with my mother, who I also relied upon for childcare.

Then I realised that my children were being exposed to this, hearing how she spoke to me, and would learn that this is how you treat other people, this is how you treat your own children...

I made other arrangements, even though I couldn't really afford it, and went no contact. I figured the material things my children would go without was better than the experience of living through their mum being abused daily by the person who is meant to love them most in the world.

I agree with LagunaBubbles you need to stop relying on her for childcare. I know it's easier said than done. But you are risking your children having the same mental health issues you did. You are also giving your DM power over you/your life. Shut it down and then you can tell her to stop making comments or just not see her.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My MIL was a very toxic woman and abusive towards DH. Their relationship was complicated by him/us living in a house she owned. She managed to persuade both of us this was the best way. Eventually things came to a head and we moved away - we were significantly worse off financially but it was worth it not to be beholden to her and to manage the relationship on our own terms (I was fully NC and DH very LC until her death).

Which is a long-winded way of saying from my experience it would be better to cut dependencies and find alternative childcare.

I wouldn’t use her for childcare. She will likely behave the same with your children as she does with you. I wouldn’t like those opinions on my child if I knew the effect it had on me.

Thankfully, arranging different childcare is not a problem financially.

The problem is that she does not say those things to be mean. Or to insult me. She does that because she cares. I just take them badly..

If I take the children away and if I was to go away she would suffer immensely because she genuinely loves us.

For her, telling me I'm fat, is caring about my wellbeing and is the equivalent of telling me she does not like the colour of my sweater. For me, the latter is an insignificant observation while the former is tough to digest..

You, as an adult, might be able to find coping strategies to deal with her, but I doubt your children will be able to.

She obviously caused damage to you. Do you want the same to happen to your children?

If I were you, I would find alternative childcare.

You need to be really blunt with her and tell her that her comments are not ok and not welcome and caused your eating disorders.

Why do you feel you couldn't tell her this?

That is all so, SO familiar, OwlOne

OP, in your last post there it sounds as if you’re going out of your way to justify and defend her and blame yourself for feeling bad. I absolutely get why you would feel the impulse to do that. But it isn’t you just taking things badly. It’s her. Really.

Then just tell her. If she loves you she’ll stop.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Well personally I’d call her out on it but if you’ll relying on her sir childcare then I guess you can’t rub the risk of falling out with her. Instead I’d go for a toddler training method that works beautifully so they know they’ve been heard. You repeat their words back to them.

‘You look like you’ve gained a few pounds Aida’
‘ I look like I’ve gained a few pounds? Oh yes, you could be right’

‘Perhaps you need to watch your food more closely’
‘I need to watch my food note closely? Ah yes you’re probably right’
‘Not sure you should wear that outfit, your stomach protrudes too much’
‘You think my stomach protrudes too much in this outfit?’ Yes you’re probably right, it’s a favourite though so I’ll just have to add a cardigan in future’.

Saying their words back at them is effective for two reasons. It shows you’ve heard them and also makes them listen to what a massive nasty twat they are.

Sorry, I think this is a terrible idea, they will just criticise more.

OP you need to find other childcare options. Nothing is worth this.

@Aida1983

Thankfully, arranging different childcare is not a problem financially.

The problem is that she does not say those things to be mean. Or to insult me. She does that because she cares. I just take them badly..

If I take the children away and if I was to go away she would suffer immensely because she genuinely loves us.

For her, telling me I'm fat, is caring about my wellbeing and is the equivalent of telling me she does not like the colour of my sweater. For me, the latter is an insignificant observation while the former is tough to digest..

Are you morbidly obese?

If she commented once, on a health problem, I’d say okay.

But what she’s doing is not love.

The only thing to do, is to speak to her about her comments to you, and how much they annoy you, or get you down. Remind her, that she would not like likewise comments directed to her, from yourself.

Neither Telling you that you're far or that she doesn't like the colour of your sweater are done out of love or because she cares, she's being mean for whatever twisted reason & youre exposing it to your DC.

If her providing childcare isn't for financial reasons then stop it.

OP, your mother sounds like mine, and your last post a lot like the way I used to be. Putting you down is not being helpful, and it’s very striking, the way you are trying to justify her behaviour. Personally I would be very concerned about the kinds of messages my DC would pick up from spending time alone with your DM regularly. That is part of the reason my own DM will never do childcare for my DC, and hardly ever is alone with them. For the sake of your DC I really would reconsider the current childcare arrangement.

And personally therapy helped me a lot to understand my childhood and the impact my mother had, in case it’s something you would be open to