Difficult relationship with my mother - asking for opinions

[Aida1983]

I always had a rocky relationship with my mother. In particular, she's always been obsessed with my weight (this caused some significant anorexia/binge eating during my teens that lasted a few years).

I moved far away from her (while still maintaining contact) and it got much easier and our relationship improved significantly.

Due to childcare, she moved close to me and DP and she started commenting again on my weight.

Although I have not had any food problems since moving out, her comments still sting and are hurtful. Moving far away is not an option as we really need childcare. Telling her to mind her own business won't solve it as she will just keep doing it.

What would you advice to maintain my mental health?

I could have written this post. In fact, I did write a similar post a while back and received some excellent advice. Based on that advice I have started to push back now when unnecessary or hurtful comments are made: 'Do you realise that is a very offensive/hurtful thing to say?' 'I find that really hurtful that you think it's acceptable to say that' 'What are you hoping to achieve by making a comment like that?' 'How do you think it makes me feel when you say that? Why would you want to make me feel like that?'

Push back hasn't been easy- after second pushback attempt there was a big to-do where she acted very wounded etc. and things still haven't been the same really between us, including the good bits which is a shame. But the comments had been getting me down for so long that for me it's worth losing some of the good bits if it means I get rid of the bad. She still provides childcare for us. Is just being very short over text/in other conversations as her nose is out of joint that I've essentially told her where to go when it comes to hurtful/offensive/overstepping comments.
Good luck- I know how demoralising, exhausting and emotionally charged this situation is for you.

@OwlOne thank you for sharing this- this has really resonated with me and is something I am going to try if I need to in future.

My mother did this all my life, dressed up as concern

It isn’t.

Arrange other childcare and send her home. Soon.

I agree with @Bluepolkadots42 approach there.

Bide your time @Aida1983 and the next time your mother makes a comment about your weight, don't react defensively (which is very hard, I know this) tell her that her comments hurt and ask her what she hopes to achieve by hurting you. Keep it short and then go/leave.

I realise now that by defending myself against all the charges laid against me I turned the hurtful accusations in to an argument that my mother just saw as two way.

I have only very very recently (at fifty) told her that my boundary is ''do not hurt me''.

Ps, I get how hard it is when your mother doesn't fit the profile of abusive mother. The problem is more subtle, that she feels entitled to hurt you because she sees it not as hurting you but getting you back on the straight and narrow for your own good. She sees you as an extension of herself so your feelings aren't something she connects with.

It IS a little different from the type of narcissistic mum who tells you you're fat and ugly and paranoid and sensitive and awkward to make herself feel better.

Ah well if you don’t need her for childcare then it’s easy to sort out. You tell her you find any comments about your weight offensive and upsetting and if she continues to make any comments regarding anyone’s weight in your company you will be forced to minimise contact with her.

You have to be explicitly clear. No ambiguity.

@Aida1983 what happens when she starts making weight comments to your child?

I think you need to find alternative childcare to protect your children from this kind of attitude. That will hopefully help you maintain some distance as well

She sees herself as having the moral high ground.

If you're not prepared to cut contact and childcare then it seems to me the options are:

a) Tell her the comments are hurtful and ask her to stop making them. You have already said she won't stop and this approach could escalate the situation by starting an argument/discussion on how she is only doing it for your own good.
b) Every time she comments you reply "I know you are only commenting because you care for me but my weight is my own issue and is not up for discussion."
c) Don't respond at all. Acknowledge privately to yourself that she has just said something you find hurtful but your new policy is to ignore and you are going to be strong and do just that. Perhaps if the children are old enough you can tell them you find her comments hurtful but are deliberately ignoring them and instruct them to let you know if she comments on their personal appearance behind your back.

Seriously, get your children out of her care immediately.

She is not a good choice for care and you're running the risk of her doing exactly the same to them.

Find new childcare. If I were you, I'd tell her exactly why, and also add that for your own mental health, you're going to be seeing her less overall. It might make her think, or at least realise that she just doesn't have the option to ignore how her comments have an effect.

But get the kids away from her. Look what her 'care' has done to your mental health.

@Aida1983

Thankfully, arranging different childcare is not a problem financially.

The problem is that she does not say those things to be mean. Or to insult me. She does that because she cares. I just take them badly..

If I take the children away and if I was to go away she would suffer immensely because she genuinely loves us.

For her, telling me I'm fat, is caring about my wellbeing and is the equivalent of telling me she does not like the colour of my sweater. For me, the latter is an insignificant observation while the former is tough to digest..

OP, you’ve really swallowed her ‘I criticise because I care’ handbook, haven’t you? Guess what, parental love can be expressed as just that — love. It does not need to involve criticism of either the colour of your sweater or your body. That is skewed thinking, probably learned from the way your mother was parented, but there’s no need for you to accept it. And you have an absolute duty to stop it being passed on to your own children. If, as I assume you don’t express your love via personal criticism, why would you want your mother to make your child or children ashamed of their bodies?

I haven't got any practical suggestions, but thought I'd share a tale about my mother - who ultimately moved continents to be able to live a life away from her mother. She'd always thought she was big, heavy, from childhood, because of the comments that were always made at home. She has a number of dresses that she made for herself in her early 20s. I was never able to wear them even age 13, my younger sister wore a couple of them in her early teens before growing out of them (without ever being overweight); admittedly we are both taller than our mother.

Now, my 18 yr old daughter who is clearly very slender, is turning out to be the perfect size for her granny's old dresses. My mother has found it eye opening even after so many years to have this further reference point as to what size she herself must have actually been.

Oooh I’ve got a mum who is a bit like this too, thankfully not so often that it caused me eating problems. Does she have disordered eating herself? Or tremendous worries about how you/she are perceived by others?

First step is realising that criticising your shape or jumper is not meant to help! Or if it is, it’s patronising and silly. Unless you have an issue that means you may not be super aware (eg colour blindness, autism) then you’re as capable as she is of deciding how to eat/dress etc.

Two things have helped:

1. saying “well I’m quite happy with my body shape and I don’t appreciate you saying things that’ll make me feel unhappy about it so let’s change the subject.”
2. saying that other people (real or imaginary!) disagree so eg if she says you’ve got a big bum, say you’re always getting compliments at the gym or that your best friend always says she wishes she had a bum like yours. I do it with clothes! Mum: “what a horrible dress it does nothing for you” Me: “funny you say that, I always get loads of compliments when I wear this to work”. Shuts her right up!

Sorry meant to add: the ONE thing that’ll help you to combat this the most is realising in your own head and heart that this is NOT HELPFUL and she has no right to do you down, whatever she thinks. It’s unkind and just as if your child said this to another child, it needs to stop.

This is not the main issue I have with my mum (although it Peez me off when she does it to my daughter, more than when she does it to me) but she will say to my daughter ''are you sure you want more?'' my daughter is a generation removed and so there is less of an emotional reaction there (probably because there's no original wound there, as I 've never shamed my daughter for eating) so my daughter will just say ''Yes, I'm sure, give me as much as you gave *my brother please''.

My mother always gave out to me that my children swear too much and I told her ''that is your value. I have my own different values''.
When she went in for a second around, I said, like i fucking said to you, i have my own fucking values.

My mother is not an easy woman to connect with. All she has ever wanted me to be is like her. Which isn't possible, because I'm a different person. She grasps that my brother is a different person from her. She is all very confused about where she ends and I start.

Op your mother is damaging you in so many different ways and if you can go low or no contact. She is not going to stop.

It is a form of abuse and I am amazed you are allowing your children to spend time with her.

You do know your children will be her next target? Why would you expose them to such hateful body shaming people? Your mother is doing nothing at all for them apart from teaching them to judge others for their weight, judge their own bodies in a negative way and teaching them that granny is allowed to hurt others, and nothing happens. In all ways she is an extremely negative and damaging influence.

In your place, I would use paid childcare and cut back contact to virtually nothing. She has been awful for so long you have just accepted it is normal, it is not normal!

Parental love should be unconditional, if she cared about you she would be building up your confidence and self esteem not wrecking it!

This woman really does not care that she is hurting you.

Her comments are not said out of love, please reconsider this theory. Do you tell your loved ones they are ugly/fat/disfigured/ and imagine they are grateful??????

Really?

Mine started in childhood with ‘things that made me look fat’ and has since progressed to ‘things that are ageing’ as I’ve got older. Generically it is anything that isn’t to her taste that ‘makes me look fat or old’. Particularly hairstyle related. Or things that cost more than she’d spend.

At one point I just stared her hard in the eyes and said “well that was bloody rude - would you say that to anyone else you know?” and waited. She blustered and since then there has been a significant reduction in comments. But she’s pretty self aware and has otherwise good boundaries.

I can identify with so much that you've written, OP. Please know that you can and should establish a boundary for your own health and sanity.
If you can be upfront about how much this upsets you and she still continues to do it, it tells you a lot about her priorities and your relationship.
You dont owe anyone a relationship, especially if it's potentially damaging to you. Good luck.

I'd tell her. Either she stops all comments on your weight or your arranging different childcare arrangements.

I can connect with what you've said, OP. May I ask if there's a cultural element? I come from an East Asian background, and my mum has always been very blunt, slow to praise, quick to criticise, and is emotionally stunted. I know she loves me and wants only the best for me, it just comes out badly because she doesn't have the emotional intelligence or theory of mind that's encouraged in the west to express her love appropriately.

Having said all that, I still find her comments hurtful a lot of the time, and we don't have an easy relationship. But at least I understand a little where it's coming from. I can't change her but I can decide how I physically and emotionally respond to her.

Cut it off. Say 'Stop'. Put up your hand at the same time in the stop gesture, fingers pointing up and flat palm towards her. 'I've heard enough and I've had enough. This has to stop now'.

Don't say anything else or threaten anything about childcare or whatever or say anything about your feelings or being hurt.
Let her hear it and let it sink in. Walk away and get on with something else. Let her choose how she takes it.

I expect you to hear less, or ideally none, of this carping in future. If afterwards she does want to start a conversation about what you said, you can be prepared with a few short comments to curtail it and keep it under your control. Such as: You've said and done enough. No more now. I don't want or need it. I don't need an argument about it. I don't need a discussion. That's it now. Done. Over and out.

She'll learn. If she chooses to walk away and stop minding the children, so be it. You'll manage. And you might end up with a better albeit more distant relationship with her. Not to mention peace in your own home and mind.

If you think you can change the toxic dynamic you are locked in, I'd give that a try. Laughing & agreeing worked with my DM. "Oh I know, awful isn't it", ( tinkly laugh). It's really effective as it takes the intended sting out & they get confused & back off. Otherwise, bear in mind re your child that what they experience in relationships etc sets the template & normalises it for their relationships in adult life. You don't want a child repeating a pattern by choosing emotionally abusive partners because it's been normalised, is familiar & that's what they think relationships are.

@Abitofalark i pretty much did that but by whatsapp back in april. My mother threw herself up on the cross. She was angry id hurt her 🙄
My Dad came over to reprimand me for hurting mum.
She stonewalled me for 7 months before she asked if we could be reconciled. I told her she had put distance between us by shutting down communication for 6 months.
We are back in touch now. I dont think she understands but she could see i wasnt coming back to heel this time.

So frustrating. I think she will think twice before she calls me paranoid/awkward/sensitive again though. She still feels like the victim of me though.

My boundary of "dont say hurtful things" is actually an act of aggression perpetrated against her. 🤔

OP forgive my bluntness but what the hell are you doing? You had the courage and where withall to escape once and you have gone right back and put yourself in the same position as before. You have returned to your abuser and not just on your own this time,you have opened up your children to the same abuse and heart ache you recieved.Wake up woman! You have been so strong before you need to find your strength again.You have been conditioned to believe she does it our of concern sadly you are mistaken.She does it os she wants to put you down and keep you down just cos she can.Your feelings matter not one jot if hurtingyou makes herself feel better...don;t let her do this to the next generation too cos if you do you are as guilty as she is for allowing it.I am so sorry I am sounding mean and awful I dont mean to I want you to be happy and secure and have healthy fulfilling relationships with your children and a contented life..nothing can buy peace of mind but once you attain it you should never let it go. Let your life be guided by love and honesty and decency not this....If you persist on this course of action in letting her look after your children you are chancing they will be destroyed too....its too high a price to pay. Find your strength again if not for you for your kids. Do the right thing and do not play her games or pander to her,one day your kids might not forgive you for letting them feel like you do and then you have lost everything.Have a think....