Who is BU, DP or me?

[thedogdilemma]

There is a lot of background to this but I don't think it's necessary to get the gist.

DP and I moved into a house at the beginning of lockdown in March. DP is a teacher, I am wfh due to COVID and have been since March. We have 2 dogs, one of which is a new rescue we got the day we moved.

Up until September, DP didn't have any work as he was moving schools. He would check emails at some point and set work but 95% of his day was leisure (please let's not make this a teacher bashing thread - just trying to be honest). As a result, we shared the dog feeding responsibilities in the morning, but when I was really busy at work I asked DP to do slightly more. All was fine, no arguments.

From September, DP started in school properly. Every morning he wakes at 6am, wakes me up in the process either through his alarm being snoozed, taking forever to turn it off, speaking to me, moaning at me etc. He goes downstairs with the dogs (as soon as they hear the alarm they're up!) and feeds them/ opens the back door. He also would get himself a tea/breakfast if he wants it. He then continues to get ready and leaves around 630.

During the day the dogs are then my responsibility, new dog is still needing training and is a bit too much of a guard dog - so my day is spent stopping barking at the post man, Hermes, DPD, the neighbours leaving/receiving parcels, Amazon etc. (why do they all come at different times!!) as well as working and hoping the deliveries don't come during a work call.

At first, I fed the dogs on Sat and Sun when we were both off. However, I soon realised it was unfair. I was being woken up at 6am every weekday (granted I can go back to sleep but it never feels great and I regularly struggle). Then the days I can lie-in I am up feeding the dogs at 6am, doing it quietly as to not disturb DP.

I said to DP that I didn't think it was fair, so asked him to do the feed on Sundays. Every Sunday he now moans and there's an argument.
He has said if we did a poll that everyone would agree with him, I have said if that is so then I will change.

A few points to note:

• on half terms/school holidays we take it in turns to get up to feed the dogs.
• I think Mon-fri he is up anyway and going downstairs, so feeding your fur babies is no effort.
• the dogs were a joint decision and we both love them dearly.
• when I return to work, we would wake up at the same time and therefore the feeding would be split / whoever is in the kitchen first.

So wise MNers. Who is BU?

Poll:
YABU - it doesn't matter that DP is up for work anyway, he does 5 days so you should do the weekend.
YANBU - It is no effort for DP to do the feeding when he is already up, weekends and any time you are both off should be split equally.

Thanks!

feeding and letting out takes minutes!

i chuk mine out in a morning while i flickthe kettle on, throw some dishes away and chuck their food in the bowls. Then get them in/leave them eating and go shower etc with my brew!

hes being a dick - take it in turns!

@RB68

you are going to be in a world of pain when it comes to dogwalking later on.

Where on earth does he work that he needs to leave at 630 Even if he starts work at 8 thats 90mins!!

PS don't have kids with this guy if thats his attitude. You deserve a lie in at the w/e too

A school.

Kids are on site in most secondaries from 7.30am (if not earlier), at which point, even if you aren't actually having to supervise them directly, they're milling around wanting attention and you're keeping an ear out for trouble in the bubbles. A lot of schools have rotas for supervising bus stops, entrances, bubble areas and pinch points with other schools/grumpy neighbours, so staff are standing out in the rain from 7.25am.

My only time to work without physical interruptions is 6.45 - 7.15am, where I try to ignore the constant email notifications and let my phone go to voicemail. And I like drinking hot coffee once a day.

I feed the cats if I'm awake enough and they're pestering. If not, DP does it. In all honesty, they do blag a second breakfast some mornings as a result. And when he's on an early and I'm at home, the chances are that I'll end up feeding them and letting them out, as he, like me, prefers to just pull on clothes and head out the door rather than think about anything else in the ten or so minutes between getting dressed and needing to leave the house.

I'm also normally the first one up when both of us are off.

When I get to school for 7am the staff car park is 3/4s full.

I would spilt the weekend, one do sat and one do Sunday.

Are you planning on having children together?

Weekends and holidays should be split.

Your DP sounds like an inconsiderate prick in the mornings. There's absolutely no need to bang about waking up everyone else just because he's up.

I think you’ve posted about your Dp before and the dogs (abs other issues) and the general
Consensus was LTB wasn’t it?

One do Saturdays and one do Sunday's, that way you both have a lie in.

Why do dogs need to be fed at 6am? Feed them when you get up?

I think you’ve posted about your Dp before and the dogs (abs other issues) and the general
Consensus was LTB wasn’t it?

Oh, is there a back story to this?

YANBU, and your DP is being massively unreasonable for being so inconsiderate on the weekday mornings. I hope you show him this thread!

I've had dogs all my life and would never consider getting up to feed them at 6am. That's madness.

They will be fine if you just feed them when you get up.

Problem solved.

‘It's because he's up so they just are spoilt and think it's time. They can wait longer at weekends. I woke up on Saturday at 730 to feed them and DP fed them at 9am on Sunday (and then went on shouting about how he had to wake up...!)‘

You’ve said yourself the dogs can wait longer at weekends and only get up/want feeding at 6am in the week because that’s when he’s up so just whoever is up at whatever time they want to get up at weekends feeds them.

I don’t see the issue, it takes 5mins, and nobody has to get up early at weekends to specifically feed the dogs, you’ve said so yourself

So why are they still getting up at 6am at the weekends?

Sounds like the dogs have become habituated to getting up and fed at that time, purely as a by-product of the DH's weekday habits.

Interesting that so many dog-owners are saying 'just don't do it, let the dogs wait at weekends (and on other days too)'.

And OP herself agrees with this (so what's the issue?):

It's because he's up so they just are spoilt and think it's time. They can wait longer at weekends. I woke up on Saturday at 730 to feed them and DP fed them at 9am on Sunday (and then went on shouting about how he had to wake up...!)

It reads to me that the issue here is nothing to do with the dogs. It is the DP's unpleasant behaviour towards OP. His carelessness and spitefulness in waking her up early on weekdays. His anger; shouting, when he gets up (at 9am!) at the weekend.

@Annasgirl

Don't have kids with this man - he doesn't do enough with the dogs, believe me he won't do enough with DC.

But have you only been living together since March? And he is already shouting at you when he has to get up with a dog at the weekend?

Was the dog yours (the first one) if so then really, you should look after it.

No - we lived in a flat before. I wasn't going to give the detail of that because it is very long.

He looks after them well in every other way and does more cleaning etc than I do - so I'm not concerned RE kids.

The dog argument has come to play since we have different lives to pre-COVID. I think he's jealous that he has to get up and go to work. I'm jealous that he gets to go because I am dying of boredom sat at a computer for most of the day!

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

I think you’ve posted about your Dp before and the dogs (abs other issues) and the general Consensus was LTB wasn’t it?

No not posted about DP before. We actually like eachother (I think) so don't plan on LTB any time soon.

I've posted about the dogs in doghouse before but that was for training advice.

@LawnFever

‘It's because he's up so they just are spoilt and think it's time. They can wait longer at weekends. I woke up on Saturday at 730 to feed them and DP fed them at 9am on Sunday (and then went on shouting about how he had to wake up...!)‘

You’ve said yourself the dogs can wait longer at weekends and only get up/want feeding at 6am in the week because that’s when he’s up so just whoever is up at whatever time they want to get up at weekends feeds them.

I don’t see the issue, it takes 5mins, and nobody has to get up early at weekends to specifically feed the dogs, you’ve said so yourself

There should be no issue!

DP turned to me on Sunday at 9am and was pissed off that he had to do it. We tend to laze around in bed on weekends until we have to get up to socialise (which is not currently happening obv).

We agreed that he would shut up if the poll was in my favour or that I would do both days if it was in his.

Well, it looks to me as though the poll is in your favour, so he can shut up and you get one weekend lie-in each!

Now you also need to tackle his deliberate noise-making when he gets his martyr-ish self out of bed during the week. DP - BE QUIET AND DONT SNOOZE THE BLOODY ALARM - LET YOUR WIFE SLEEP YOU SELFISH ARSE!

I think you should do a 2nd poll about him and his alarm clock sleeping elsewhere so he stops waking you so early 5 days per week 😂

I probably would have committed murder by now or just started my day as early as him so I finished work earlier in the evening!