Who is BU, DP or me?

[thedogdilemma]

There is a lot of background to this but I don't think it's necessary to get the gist.

DP and I moved into a house at the beginning of lockdown in March. DP is a teacher, I am wfh due to COVID and have been since March. We have 2 dogs, one of which is a new rescue we got the day we moved.

Up until September, DP didn't have any work as he was moving schools. He would check emails at some point and set work but 95% of his day was leisure (please let's not make this a teacher bashing thread - just trying to be honest). As a result, we shared the dog feeding responsibilities in the morning, but when I was really busy at work I asked DP to do slightly more. All was fine, no arguments.

From September, DP started in school properly. Every morning he wakes at 6am, wakes me up in the process either through his alarm being snoozed, taking forever to turn it off, speaking to me, moaning at me etc. He goes downstairs with the dogs (as soon as they hear the alarm they're up!) and feeds them/ opens the back door. He also would get himself a tea/breakfast if he wants it. He then continues to get ready and leaves around 630.

During the day the dogs are then my responsibility, new dog is still needing training and is a bit too much of a guard dog - so my day is spent stopping barking at the post man, Hermes, DPD, the neighbours leaving/receiving parcels, Amazon etc. (why do they all come at different times!!) as well as working and hoping the deliveries don't come during a work call.

At first, I fed the dogs on Sat and Sun when we were both off. However, I soon realised it was unfair. I was being woken up at 6am every weekday (granted I can go back to sleep but it never feels great and I regularly struggle). Then the days I can lie-in I am up feeding the dogs at 6am, doing it quietly as to not disturb DP.

I said to DP that I didn't think it was fair, so asked him to do the feed on Sundays. Every Sunday he now moans and there's an argument.
He has said if we did a poll that everyone would agree with him, I have said if that is so then I will change.

A few points to note:

• on half terms/school holidays we take it in turns to get up to feed the dogs.
• I think Mon-fri he is up anyway and going downstairs, so feeding your fur babies is no effort.
• the dogs were a joint decision and we both love them dearly.
• when I return to work, we would wake up at the same time and therefore the feeding would be split / whoever is in the kitchen first.

So wise MNers. Who is BU?

Poll:
YABU - it doesn't matter that DP is up for work anyway, he does 5 days so you should do the weekend.
YANBU - It is no effort for DP to do the feeding when he is already up, weekends and any time you are both off should be split equally.

Thanks!

YABU OP, I'm on his side.

There's a big difference between getting up and having to go to work 5 days a week and being woken up and then having the option of snoozing / going back to sleep / doing what you like.

If I were him, I'd need those 2 weekend lie ins.

As an aside, why on Earth are you getting up to feed the dogs so early on a weekend?! They're not going to starve if you feed them an hour or two later when one of you naturally gets up.

Ours are children, but same principle.

DH gets up with the kids and feeds them Mon-Fri as I’m working. We take turns Sat / Sun.

Holidays are as hoc grounding if only one of us or both of us are off.

Why did you get dogs when no one wants to get up and look after them?

If either of you are that bothered about feeding them you shouldn't have dogs. He sounds like a right misery.

Why does he feel the need to wake you up every weekday when he gets up? It’s beyond selfish. I’m on mat leave atm but usually also a teacher so also wake at a similar time to him. My DC and DH don’t need to get up till 7:30 so I leave them to sleep. There’s no way I’d be bashing around waking anyone up purposely, it’s nasty behaviour.

Firstly tackle why he feels the need to do that before any of this griping over who feeds the dogs at the weekend.

@Proudboomer 😂 What a comment! No one wants to get up early... or walk in the rain when you’ve had an exhausting day at work... or pick up dog shit... or pay insurance/vets bills, etc. You still do it all though, just like the OP and her DP are - they’re just figuring out who does what.

Why did you get dogs when no one wants to get up and look after them?

There’s always someone like this on a pretty vanilla MN thread like this. They obviously care about the dogs, they just don’t want to get up at 6 am on their days off to feed them. Isn’t there a way to train dogs to wait an hour or two? I’ve never owned dogs but they’re as bad as children if you have to get up at 6 with them every day .

Poor dogs.
It was joint decision and joint responsibility as well.
If your DP wakes up early every weekday and you can stay in bed I think you should reciprocate on the weekends.Your dogs don't know the difference if it's Sunday or Wednesday.It is the routine that you have established so they will get up at the same time every day.
YABU for getting dogs and now moaning about it.

Anyone up anyway feeds.

When people are wanting more sleep eg weekends, share it

Job done

Are you having full on lie ins during the week? I read it as you just don't have to get up quite as early as him but you are still working, albeit from home?

In which case, of course you should share the lie ins.

If, however, you're sleeping in until 9:30 every morning, then perhaps it's reasonable for him to get a few extra lie ins on the weekend.

Him waking you up every morning is a whole different thing and I'd be fuming about that. You might be a light sleeper, but him talking to you, stomping around etc are all things that could be prevented.

Have you posted this before? So similar to a thread I answered on a couple of months or so back?

No brainer! Obviously you split the task at weekends. Either one day on, one off, or alternate weekends.

The sensible way to look at it is in term of equal lie-ins. At the moment you get none, he gets two a week. It should be one a week each (or equivalent).

And he should stop making so much noise and waking you before you need to be awake during the week. That's so inconsiderate and just not necessary.

At the moment, you are in sleep deficit: you get woken earlier than you need to be awake every week-day, for no good reason. So that's five days of 'minus scores' on sleep. Neutral for him, as he needs to be up at that time anyway. Then he's pushing you into further sleep deficit at the weekend! Whereas, what should be happening at the weekend is that you each have one 'early day' and one 'late day' when you can lie in, so the two days balance out.

He could try to argue that he doesn't want to be up at six every week day and that you get a lie-in then. Regardless of the fact that you don't because he wakes you up, I think this is a fallacious argument. You both manage your time in terms of the demands of your working day. If you don't need to be up until later, you are probably more usefully active in the evening, for example.

Plus, you presumably have to make up quite a bit of work time lost to managing the dogs during the day. You are already making a significant contribution to 'dog care', every week day.

He might not like having to be up at six daily for work. You are not responsible for his career choice though. He would be very unfair to take out his career-based frustration upon you.

@3JsMa why are they ‘poor dogs’? Literally nothing bad is happening to them.

I think your both unreasonable, as you have just stipulated why dogs are hard work , it concerns me you don't mention the walking of dogs either who does that ? .
Dogs bark at delivery drivers too if you didn't wfh they would be alone all day .
Feed them when you get up , tell him to be a bit more considerate when he gets up so not to wake you and at weekends you do Saturday he does Sunday .
Feed them a bit later then go back to bed .
I've no doubt you love the dogs but it needs to be equal feeding and walking if you can't do this this early on then I'm worried for the poor dogs .

If they’re adult dogs I’m really not sure why you’re getting up at 6 at the weekend to feed them.

Surely they won’t starve if you left them until 8?

[quote SockDrawer]@3JsMa why are they ‘poor dogs’? Literally nothing bad is happening to them.[/quote]
I feel sorry for the dogs when owners are bickering about feeding them when they created this kind of the routine

My DH used to get up at 5am and was careful not to disturb me. He let the dog out and did her food. At weekends she was fine to wait until we got up. She didn't starve to death or wee in the house. Why do they have to have the same timings at weekends?

I have a dog.

Mon-fri I get up at 6 amd let the dog out.
Our dog is fed once a day in the evening, so no food.

On Saturday and Sunday we get up at 7-8 ish and then let the dog out.
Dog is quite capable of having a lie in till one of us gets up.
He has even (shock horror) been known ot have to wait until 9am!

Not sure why it is an issue.
Stop feeding them at 6am.
Sure, he can let them out, but then feed them when you get up at say 7:30 and they won't expect food until 7:30 at the weekends either.

You are both BU.

Why did you want them in the first place?

He could feed them, you could feed them when you get up. Ddog is on a 12 hour schedule as he's diabetic. How would you manage if something like that happened?

Have you got kids / planning on having kids?

So you aren't getting a lie in, ever.

That's fine as long as he never does. Why are you getting up to feed them on the weekend so quietly and not disturbing him? You treat him similarly. Moaning, talking, opening curtains. Sunday Morning Chorus!

Try that for a few weeks and then see if he wants to discuss trying to get up quietly at least one or two weekdays?

Why do you have to get up so early to feed them? Why can't they be fed slightly later? Why make your life harder than it needs to be?

Are you not working now? Then yes, you can do both weekends. You might be woken up at 6am but you get to turn around and go back to sleep and then have the whole day to take it easy.

In any case, why feed the dog at 6am? Train it to wait until 7am or 8am when you get up, especially if they don't get taken out at this time anyway. It makes no sense to feed at 6am.

You are both BU to feed them so early, change their feeding times?

I wouldn't be feeding anything at 6am. And it sounds like you need separate bedrooms during the week.

@Pinkdelight3

YANBU, but curious to know who'll look after them when you go back to work?

Before COVID we still had one dog, I wfh one day a week normally, post covid will be two days. We have a dog sitter and my mum does the other days. Don't worry, never alone for longer than 4 hours.