Who is BU, DP or me?

[thedogdilemma]

There is a lot of background to this but I don't think it's necessary to get the gist.

DP and I moved into a house at the beginning of lockdown in March. DP is a teacher, I am wfh due to COVID and have been since March. We have 2 dogs, one of which is a new rescue we got the day we moved.

Up until September, DP didn't have any work as he was moving schools. He would check emails at some point and set work but 95% of his day was leisure (please let's not make this a teacher bashing thread - just trying to be honest). As a result, we shared the dog feeding responsibilities in the morning, but when I was really busy at work I asked DP to do slightly more. All was fine, no arguments.

From September, DP started in school properly. Every morning he wakes at 6am, wakes me up in the process either through his alarm being snoozed, taking forever to turn it off, speaking to me, moaning at me etc. He goes downstairs with the dogs (as soon as they hear the alarm they're up!) and feeds them/ opens the back door. He also would get himself a tea/breakfast if he wants it. He then continues to get ready and leaves around 630.

During the day the dogs are then my responsibility, new dog is still needing training and is a bit too much of a guard dog - so my day is spent stopping barking at the post man, Hermes, DPD, the neighbours leaving/receiving parcels, Amazon etc. (why do they all come at different times!!) as well as working and hoping the deliveries don't come during a work call.

At first, I fed the dogs on Sat and Sun when we were both off. However, I soon realised it was unfair. I was being woken up at 6am every weekday (granted I can go back to sleep but it never feels great and I regularly struggle). Then the days I can lie-in I am up feeding the dogs at 6am, doing it quietly as to not disturb DP.

I said to DP that I didn't think it was fair, so asked him to do the feed on Sundays. Every Sunday he now moans and there's an argument.
He has said if we did a poll that everyone would agree with him, I have said if that is so then I will change.

A few points to note:

• on half terms/school holidays we take it in turns to get up to feed the dogs.
• I think Mon-fri he is up anyway and going downstairs, so feeding your fur babies is no effort.
• the dogs were a joint decision and we both love them dearly.
• when I return to work, we would wake up at the same time and therefore the feeding would be split / whoever is in the kitchen first.

So wise MNers. Who is BU?

Poll:
YABU - it doesn't matter that DP is up for work anyway, he does 5 days so you should do the weekend.
YANBU - It is no effort for DP to do the feeding when he is already up, weekends and any time you are both off should be split equally.

Thanks!

@RB68

you are going to be in a world of pain when it comes to dogwalking later on.

Where on earth does he work that he needs to leave at 630 Even if he starts work at 8 thats 90mins!!

PS don't have kids with this guy if thats his attitude. You deserve a lie in at the w/e too

He's a teacher, school day begins at 8, gets to work for 7. He never stays past the end of school so that's why :)

@SheilaWilcox

My mother complains that their dog gets her up at 6 everyday to go out. When it stays at our house, I don't let it out until about 9 at weekends and it is fine. Dogs adapt to new routines quickly. Just feed them later.

Not sure this is really about the dog feeding though.

It's because he's up so they just are spoilt and think it's time. They can wait longer at weekends. I woke up on Saturday at 730 to feed them and DP fed them at 9am on Sunday (and then went on shouting about how he had to wake up...!)

@Lisa78Lemon

YABU OP, I'm on his side.

There's a big difference between getting up and having to go to work 5 days a week and being woken up and then having the option of snoozing / going back to sleep / doing what you like.

If I were him, I'd need those 2 weekend lie ins.

As an aside, why on Earth are you getting up to feed the dogs so early on a weekend?! They're not going to starve if you feed them an hour or two later when one of you naturally gets up.

I think a few people are missing something.

If he doesn't feed them Mon-Fri when he wakes up, I'd have to get out of bed and do it whilst he's standing there, at the exact same time. It's their routine and they will growl like spoilt brats if we have got up and they haven't been fed.

If no alarm goes off, they don't wake up to be fed. It's purely because of the alarm. Weekends can vary on times depending on how early we went to bed. The new dog can't hold her bladder very long (she's 7).

I was going to side with you but then you called them fur babies....

@islockdownoveryet

I think your both unreasonable, as you have just stipulated why dogs are hard work , it concerns me you don't mention the walking of dogs either who does that ? . Dogs bark at delivery drivers too if you didn't wfh they would be alone all day . Feed them when you get up , tell him to be a bit more considerate when he gets up so not to wake you and at weekends you do Saturday he does Sunday . Feed them a bit later then go back to bed . I've no doubt you love the dogs but it needs to be equal feeding and walking if you can't do this this early on then I'm worried for the poor dogs .

I walk the dogs because I'm home all day and it's my exercise.

When we are out the house we have a dog walker.

I have always fed my dogs in the afternoon, I am puzzled by the need to feed yours at 6am if it's not convenient for you.

Don't become a martyr, it's so unnecessary.

@dontdisturbmenow

Are you not working now? Then yes, you can do both weekends. You might be woken up at 6am but you get to turn around and go back to sleep and then have the whole day to take it easy.

In any case, why feed the dog at 6am? Train it to wait until 7am or 8am when you get up, especially if they don't get taken out at this time anyway. It makes no sense to feed at 6am.

I work from home - I did explain in the OP. I usually commute 1.5 hours into the city but at the moment, I can't do that.

I work in a demanding stressful industry. I usually work about 12 hours.

@Myunhappyfeet

I was going to side with you but then you called them fur babies....

they are my little children. My babies, with fur. Perfect little things.

@Lowkeevslucille

I have always fed my dogs in the afternoon, I am puzzled by the need to feed yours at 6am if it's not convenient for you.

Don't become a martyr, it's so unnecessary.

It's just when we started, the thing is, it's no effort for DP to feed them at 6am weekdays and that's not his complaint.

His complaint is that I think we should share weekends / holidays.

You're seriously arguing about who should feed the dogs?

Is this a wind up?

My DH and I just feed our dog and then then let the other one know. Sometimes I ask him if she's been fed yet and he will answer me yes or no.

You are being completely ridiculous.

Weekends should just be whoever is up.

My dh has 'trained' our ddog to expect a bowl of milk and a biscuit within 10 mins of someone getting out of bed. He's a knibber for doing that (he spoils her, she bosses him around, his problem not mine) so on a weekend when he gets up for a pee he has to go downstairs and feed her. Because I am not being dictated to by a dog what time I get up (she is let out last thing and can wait for a pee, often doesn't even want to go out first thing especially if it's cold).

I hate being woken up as well, it's so inconsiderate and spiteful. If you are up later than your dp I wouldn't be tiptoeing around him tbh, I'd make exactly the same amount of noise when you go to bed.

Of course he's being unreasonable. He does it before he leaves and you do it during the day on weekdays. Then you share it at weekends. I can't see how that could be unfair.

I dont even think feeding the dogs when you're up anyway counts as a chore. But my dog would learn quick that she ain't getting fed at 6am on a weekend. Why on earth are you getting up to feed them?

So you get to be in bed later 6 days out of 7, he only 1 day from your proposal and you think he's unreasonable?

Whether he is up or not is irrelevant, what is relevant is that he would like 2 out if 7 days to get up later when you get 5. I'm with him.

Adult dogs should be fed once in the late afternoon. Why are you feeding them in the morning? And furbabies? Urgh.

@SayakaMurata

You're seriously arguing about who should feed the dogs?

Is this a wind up?

My DH and I just feed our dog and then then let the other one know. Sometimes I ask him if she's been fed yet and he will answer me yes or no.

You are being completely ridiculous.

Yep I agree , but I do agree with you op too . His issue is he thinks he gets up 6 days a week to feed dogs and you are only doing it 2 days or 1 if you share but you are seeing to the dogs all day . He thinks that's not a big deal and the getting up is . I don't see why either one of you get up feed dogs then come back to bed . Really arguing over the feeding is silly .

Sorry 5 days not 6 .

Automatic timed pet feeder bowls for dogs.
Spare bedroom sleeping Mon - Friday for husband.
Sorted.

Easy he sleeps downstairs during the week with the dogs and his alarm clock. If he can stop waking you up 5 days per week you will feed them at the weekend.

However why don't you actually train the dogs to have their breakfast an hour or so later?? Presumably them at the weekend they will cross their legs longer and you can get up at a much more reasonable 7am earliest!!!

Our dog will happily snooze later if we're up later... we have never fed her at strict times to stop her being obsessive over it.

It's just when we started, the thing is, it's no effort for DP to feed them at 6am weekdays and that's not his complaint.

His complaint is that I think we should share weekends / holidays.

as dogs need to be fed weekends and holidays etc too, it still makes no sense to feed them at an inconvenient time!

It's hard enough to teach your kids to let you sleep, with dogs you can absolutely avoid all this unpleasantness

I think as he’s up anyway, it’s unfair to count that, so weekends should be split.

And ps, I don’t want to be pendantic, but it’s a drawer, not a draw.

It's not about feeding the dogs per se, it's about being up.
He has to be up at 6am every day (and I'm impressed that he gets everything done and out of the house by 6.30) and you don't. So you do the majority of the early waking at weekends. And slowly train the dogs to be left later.

This is why we have always fed our dogs only once a day (in the evening). I highly recommend it.

If that doesn't appeal, then I join the chorus of voices that says let them at least wait until 8am on weekends. 6am is nuts.

Teachers start work a lot earlier than 8 @RB68

@SayakaMurata

You're seriously arguing about who should feed the dogs?

Is this a wind up?

My DH and I just feed our dog and then then let the other one know. Sometimes I ask him if she's been fed yet and he will answer me yes or no.

You are being completely ridiculous.

Wow, way to completely miss the point of this whole thread. Totally unnecessary.