Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my bf should have discussed me no longer being his bubble?

102 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 08/11/2020 21:05

My boyfriend of 3 & a half years & I don't live together but spent every weekend together pre covid.
During the first lockdown he developed COPD & is understandably scared of catching the virus. Once support bubbles were allowed we formed a bubble with our kids, but only saw each socially distanced during term time as I teach young children & there is no social distancing with them.
Now, we usually meet at weekends for a walk, as its a bit cold for sitting in gardens. I did ask if he wanted to form a bubble with someone he could visit properly. This was 2 weeks ago, he said no, he only wanted to bubble with me.
Today though he told me he's been to visit a friend & is going to start taking his son to visit her & her kids. I was puzzled as he is a stickler for not breaking the rules... but throughout our conversation it became apparent that she is now his support bubble & I am the person he can meet for a walk.
Ill be honest - I'm upset. I can't make another bubble as one of my kids is over 18. And you are not meant to change bubbles anyway.
I just thought he could have talked it through with me first. She doesn't work, doesn't go out, her kids are home schooled - but they see their dad who thinks Covid is a conspiracy & doesn't believe in SD or wearing a mask. So he is still taking risks going to hers.
AIBU to think he could have talked this through with me first?

OP posts:
Didkdt · 08/11/2020 23:30

@mswales

Not commenting on the bubble situation but just wanted to let you know my aunt has had COPD for a long time and has. Covid recenlty and only had mild symptoms. Apparently COPD, like asthma, isn't a condition which means you'll be worse affected by covid, even though you'd really think it would
This is very true COPD can be mild and better controlled in many cases than moderate asthma. If he's not shielded his actions are at best excessive
ReneeRol · 08/11/2020 23:34

You've been replaced. He's keeping you in the background just in case it doesn't work out with her. She's more of a risk to him so him seeing her over you isn't about health, it's because he is trying her out to see if she's a better fit...

I wouldn't even bother communicating again, he doesn't deserve another second of attention; block his number, delete and move on.

WilsonMilson · 08/11/2020 23:41

Sorry if I’m missing something, but walks and sitting in someone’s conservatory do not a relationship maketh!

I know there’s covid, but surely the elephant in the room of this thread is physical intimacy. Don’t you kiss, touch and have sex with your boyfriend? And if you don’t then surely he’s just a ‘friend’?

Seems like he may be seeing this other woman, and I’m not altogether surprised given the circumstances? Or am I missing something?

MadameMeursault · 09/11/2020 00:01

OP take no notice of the drama-lovers of Mumsnet wanting your boyfriend to be cheating and you to break up with him. Some people love to see others’ lives fall apart as some sort of spectator sport forgetting that there are actually real people involved. People can actually have friends of the opposite sex without shagging each other.

OP I think you’re a little unreasonable because you did suggest he bubbled with someone else and as you’re still seeing him for walks your time together is the same as previously isn’t it? Yes he should have discussed it with you but it possibly didn’t occur to him as you’d previously suggested it.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 09/11/2020 00:01

Of course we are intimate... Only just in school hols since Covid.

When I suggested he couid make another bubble I thought it would be with one of his single friends who lives close by who he saw often pre covid, not his friends ex who lives 30 miles away. The friend left this woman just a few months ago.

OP posts:
redastherose · 09/11/2020 00:15

I'm afraid it sounds like he fancies her and wants to get together with her but is keeping you as backup. Especially as she's his friends ex and they broke up a few months ago. Possibly someone he's fancied for a while but wasn't available. You don't do something like this and drop seeing your girlfriend for a random woman and her kids especially with the double standards on the risks. Sorry to say so but it seems that to put it simply she's worth the risk to him.

SummerWhisper · 09/11/2020 00:38

She lives 30 miles away - that takes it up a level. He is going way out of his way to see her, when he had options of close friends nearby. They must have been in contact for this to have happened so easily.

Also, when you expressed your concerns about them seeing each other, he dismissed you. If he wasn't intending to get together with this woman, he would have changed his plans so that you weren't worried.

Tell him again that it doesn't feel right to you...watch him double down.

Enough4me · 09/11/2020 00:43

He likes her so much to travel 30 miles and knows that she may be lonely and need comforting...wow how kind of him, wouldn't question his motives here Hmm

NewLockdownNewMe · 09/11/2020 00:45

I was slightly on the fence - but 30 miles away? You only bubble with someone that far away if they’re genuinely special to you (or you want them to be...).

Grenlei · 09/11/2020 00:58

On the fence on this one.

Firstly, it's nonsense to condemn the OPs relationship because they don't want to live together til DC are older. You only have to look at any of the stepfamily threads on here to see what a carcrash some blended families can be. My OH and I don't live together and probably won't until my DC have left home.

Also he clearly can't have a proper bubble with the OP as she is teaching in a school. I can imagine in his position having been diagnosed with a life limiting illness I'd be taking every precaution to avoid so much as a cold. I know someone with COPD, a simple cold last year ended up with them becoming really quite poorly for weeks. So I would be worried, especially given he is also a widower.

That said, I would have expected him to tell you who he was in a bubble with and give some sort of reason. There might be a genuine reason (has his friend for example expressed concern for the exw and suggested her as a bubble? I think how his friend feels about it might be quite telling as to whether there's any ulterior motive). As has been said if she doesn't go out and her DC are home schooled she's going to be very low risk. However there might also be other motives involved. I think you have to have an honest conversation about it, but I wouldn't be too hasty to condemn him unlike most of those on this thread!

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 09/11/2020 06:05

@Grenlei

On the fence on this one.

Firstly, it's nonsense to condemn the OPs relationship because they don't want to live together til DC are older. You only have to look at any of the stepfamily threads on here to see what a carcrash some blended families can be. My OH and I don't live together and probably won't until my DC have left home.

Also he clearly can't have a proper bubble with the OP as she is teaching in a school. I can imagine in his position having been diagnosed with a life limiting illness I'd be taking every precaution to avoid so much as a cold. I know someone with COPD, a simple cold last year ended up with them becoming really quite poorly for weeks. So I would be worried, especially given he is also a widower.

That said, I would have expected him to tell you who he was in a bubble with and give some sort of reason. There might be a genuine reason (has his friend for example expressed concern for the exw and suggested her as a bubble? I think how his friend feels about it might be quite telling as to whether there's any ulterior motive). As has been said if she doesn't go out and her DC are home schooled she's going to be very low risk. However there might also be other motives involved. I think you have to have an honest conversation about it, but I wouldn't be too hasty to condemn him unlike most of those on this thread!

This is by far the most helpful post on the thread IMO.
LauraBassi · 09/11/2020 06:16

He is choosing another female over you OP.

Doesn’t matter what reason he gives you.

Start bracing your self for the ‘Dear John’ letter.

MadinMarch · 09/11/2020 06:57

Apparently COPD, like asthma, isn't a condition which means you'll be worse affected by covid, even though you'd really think it would

That is simply not true! I wish it was.
www.thelancet.com/journals/eclinm/article/PIIS2589-5370(20)30290-X/fulltext

Standrewsschool · 09/11/2020 07:36

So he’s travelling 30 miles to see her!

What happened to ‘Stay at Home’?!

And also friend’s ex (missed that comment first time around)!

More red flags.

Grenlei · 09/11/2020 07:48

There's no requirement for the person you are in a bubble with to be local. I'm in a bubble with my OH. He lives 200 miles away.

ShandlersWig · 09/11/2020 07:53

The friend left this woman just a few months ago

He's having a go at winning her over and keeping you in the background incase she rejects him.

I'd refuse to be someone's back up plan and I'd start to have other plans if he initiates a meet up and not instigate any contact either and see if he notices or is bothered if you drop off his rota.

AlternativePerspective · 09/11/2020 07:56

I can’t form a bubble with my partner because he lives in a shared house and only one person from a shared house can form a bubble with someone else.

Added to which he lives 150 miles away. He was here at weekends from July, first outside before we could mix households and then he stayed over in the spare room when household mixing was allowed. It isn’t for anyone else to judge what should and shouldn’t be happening in other people’s relationships at this point in time.

My consultant has made it abundantly clear that if I catch COVID I am unlikely to survive, and if I do, damage to my lungs is likely to be such that I will be ineligible for the heart transplant I am one day going to need.

And as for people saying if someone didn’t get a shielding letter they are overreacting, you have no idea what you’re talking about. The shielding letters were a farce, with some people getting them who didn’t need them e.g. a friend who had (mild) asthma as a child and outgrew it 35 years ago, and some didn’t get them who were meant to i.e. friend in end stage kidney failure and myself who both shielded on medical advice but weren’t on the official register so to speak.

The OP and her BF have perfectly valid reasons for having their relationship the way it is for the time being and that is nobody else’s business, esp them not living together. I don’t live with my partner either for very valid reasons and we’ve been together for seven years.

But OP’s bf choosing to bubble with someone who is 30 miles away is questionable. Being in a support bubble with her means he can go into her house and she also has kids who presumably are going to school so the risks are the same.

I actually would assume that the relationship is over at this point. Ending a bubble with your partner for a bubble with another woman sends a very clear message.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 09/11/2020 08:05

Oh honey. Your boyfriend is preferring to spend his days with another woman and her children.
You're not his girlfriend any more.

Reborn2020 · 09/11/2020 08:06

Did you tell him how this makes you feel?

Did you ask him if this changes your relationship?

Reborn2020 · 09/11/2020 08:08

I pressed enter before ending my post!

Make sure he knows exactly how you feel and why. Your worries, concerns and fears. Is he intending to bubble with you again at Christmas?

averythinline · 09/11/2020 08:14

he's found another vulnerable woman and made a move on her.....'his friend has recently dumped her.....ugghh
he does not sound a nice man - you are highly unlikely to get an honest word out of him so dump him with no returns...

be glad you have dodged one here....in no way was he going to buy a house with you in the future....he has shown his tru nature here ...

notanothertakeaway · 09/11/2020 08:14

I wouldn't assume he is cheating. Can understand he is cautious about covid

But he chose to make a bubble with someone else? And she's not local. And her children's dad poses a covid risk. I'd have an issue with that. Sorry. Not what you want to hear

dontdisturbmenow · 09/11/2020 08:15

I'm always one to think of giving the benefit of the doubt but in this case, I would assume that he is looking at upping his bet.

You don't do what he's done unless he has more than an interest in her than friends. Ditch him and hopefully she'll laugh at his face and he'll end up alone in no bubble for Xmas.

BloggersBlog · 09/11/2020 09:12

So he has formed a bubble with someone who already I presume, is in another bubble with her ex for the kids sake. She has to choose, she cant be in 2.

Is "I have decided to bubble someone else" going to be the new "I'm dumping you/sleeping with someone else" now?

Mammylamb · 09/11/2020 10:11

Wtf?? If he’s your partner why on earth would he form a bubble with another woman? That would be game over for me.

I understand why you don’t live together, and admire that as I think you have really considered the impact on your kids and put them first.

Do you have any children together?