To not want to be a bridesmaid

[Groveparkmama]

My sister recently got engaged and is planning to get married in September 2021. She has asked me to be a bridesmaid, but I am really not keen. I will be 36 years old by then, I’m married and have a little boy. DH and I have also discussed that we will TTC baby number 2 next year.

Of course, we may struggle to conceive but I don’t really fancy being a pregnant bridesmaid and feel that I’m too old for it anyway!

My sister has asked my son to be a page boy (along with 2 other page boys and a flower girl). She has also asked my other sister to be a bridesmaid - she will have a 5/6 month old baby at that point.

I am very happy to help organise a hen do and to be there on the wedding day to help my sister get ready and organise all the little ones in the bridal party. I just feel it’s not necessary for me to be a bridesmaid!

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just suck it up and agree to be a bridesmaid?

You don’t sound very supportive of your sister. Your relationship is important enough to her to ask to be bridesmaid, you sound a bit like a spoils sport. My sister was a pregnant bridesmaid at my wedding. She looked amazing and danced all night. She was great!

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You don’t sound very supportive of your sister. Your relationship is important enough to her to ask to be bridesmaid, you sound a bit like a spoils sport. My sister was a pregnant bridesmaid at my wedding. She looked amazing and danced all night. She was great!

Eh? She literally just said she was happy to help with organisation, hen do, stuff on the day etc.

But you took from that, that she wasn't supportive of her sister?

YANBU, I would not want to be a bridesmaid.

Not now, not post 3 children, body conscious and in my 30's.
A more subtle maid of honour (are they more on the sideline? Maybe I'm wrong?) but not bridesmaid.

You could mention that you might be in labour so could do all the organising but might not be there on the day?
Or say you'd rather be MOH and not walk down the aisle it just help out with stuff o the day?

I think she is being overly ambitious tbh as many weddings are being cancelled etc. Maybe try get her to scale things down a little and use covid as an excuse.

I would tell her you would love to but you are jokingly be pregnant by then so not avoid idea at all. Then offer to organise her hen do etc.

I had exactly the same when I was getting married, I wanted SIL but she explained they were TTC and I accepted it with no drama and asked other people. She gave birth to DN on the last day of our honeymoon so it was the right decision.
Just talk to her. Communicate instead of dramatise.

Maybe suggest it would be better to have someone to help with the younger members of the bridal party who isn't in a bridesmaid dress or having to stand in a specific place. She could always choose you to give a reading or something, if she is wanting everyone in the family to have a role. I would have an honest conversation with her about your concerns as gently as possible.

YANBU OP. You're willing to support your sister and I'm sure she'll truly appreciate that at the time.

Some bridesmaids offer no support whatsoever, preferring to simply lap up the limelight.

Is it the outfit that’s the problem? When it comes to Actually planning the wedding, why don’t you and your sister suggest that you be joint matrons of honour, and wear what you like (maybe stick to a colour theme).

@CovidStoleTheRainbow

YANBU, I would not want to be a bridesmaid.

Not now, not post 3 children, body conscious and in my 30's.
A more subtle maid of honour (are they more on the sideline? Maybe I'm wrong?) but not bridesmaid.

I always thought the maid/matron of honour was the chief bridesmaid, rather then a background role.

I think it would be pretty shitty to refuse to be a bridesmaid when your sister asked you. There’s no age limit on being a bridesmaid, I was one at 33.

You are never too old to be a bridesmaid. Its a bit daft to think that - you are 36! If you are going to be pregnant then it will only be a problem in not knowing how far gone you will possibly be and what size you might be. You will need to tell your sister what you have said here - as long as you are involved I am sure it will be fine

Jaysis - it’s so far away and all your reasons are what ifs - and excuses

Surely you just say sure thanks And do it

Then If you are pregnant or not up to it closer the time you just step down.

36?! So what? You’d think you were 86 the way you’re taking 😂

36 is no age to be a bridesmaid. I do think thing most people get married in their 20’s. I assume it’s 20/30’s so you’re very much in the normal age range.

If you don’t want to do it that’s another issue but 36 isn’t too old to be a bridesmaid.

I would say you’re worried about getting pregnant and not fitting in to the dress etc.... don’t say you thunk 36 is too old ffs....

I been a bridesmaid when I was younger. But wouldnt fancy it now at my age (38). I agree with you, I'd feel old too!

If she's having littlies as page boys/flower girls, perhaps she thinks it will help if their mums are bridesmaids so they are with them. It may just be a case of her buying your dress and you walking down the aisle and back (probably holding your son's hand), so not a huge deal - apart from the dress, you might have to do it anyway if your son is shy.

Hopefully she won't be choosing anything too ghastly for the dresses, and will involve you in the decisions. You need to work out what to say if she starts trying to get dresses organised too far in advance - you could invoke the "who knows whether there won't be another lockdown" if you're not confident enough to say "isn't it a bit early - suppose one of us (or dsis, if you want to avoid anyone assuming your comment means you're trying) gets pregnant again between now and then".

Honestly I think this is one of those situations where you should put aside your feelings for the sake of your sister. Otherwise you’re prioritising your feelings about your age and appearance over her feelings that you’re her sister and she loves and cares about you and wants your support on the day.

By all means explain that you’re worried about the dress if you’re pregnant etc so you can work out a solution you’re happy with, but to simply refuse strikes me as a bit tough.

My cousin was my matron-of-honour, 8 weeks after giving birth to her this child. I would have been heartbroken if she'd said no, although I'd never have let on. I was her bridesmaid and she means the absolute world to me. It felt important to me that she was a big part of my day. But, like I said, if she'd declined I would have accepted it and never let on I was upset, as it had to be her choice.

*third child

And she was 38 at the time!

Could you discuss defining the role with her? i.e. You take a matron of honour role but without having to wear a traditional bridesmaid dress and parade up the aisle - being on hand though for the occasional duties such as holding the bride's bouquet during the vows and marshalling the child attendants. I think Kate Middleton did this for Pippa and Princess Beatrice for Eugenie. They wore normal wedding clothes but played an active practical role.

When my best friend from school got married she didn't want bridesmaids as such but needed an attendant to do a few practical things. She asked me to do that role and referred to me as her "Best Woman".

I don't think the issue is your age, it's that you feel uncomfortable (but want to help and support).

My sister just refused to be BM for someone at 48. But it’s not the age.

It’s..do you want to or will you hate it? If you don’t want to, don’t. You can support in other ways.

I assume you don't really like your sister.

I was 47 when bridesmaid for my sister. Her 2 other bridesmaids were 51 and 39.
It's personal choice.